Want to look less like a tourist in Vietnam?? Find out how....

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Morning all,

How's things? Hope you're all fine and/or dandy.

Today's entry is thus:

"I'm only happy when it rains,
I'm only happy when it's complicated,
and though I know you can't appreciate it,
I'm only happy when it rains...."
Garbage - Only happy when it rains

I like it when it rains in Ho Chi Minh City. We're halfway through the rainy season at the moment, and it rains every second day. Sometimes it's a quick 20 minute shower, sometimes it lasts for a few hours. When it rains though, it's not like a few drops out of a cloud, it's torrential rain with a thunder and lightning extravaganza!

I like the rain for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it makes me happy that rain does actually exist and occur and is not a figment of my imagination. Coming from a town like Melbourne with the current dry spell it's in, you have a better chance of spotting Elvis there than seeing water fall out of the sky. The Vietnam tourism board could probably start a successful campaign luring tourists from Australia by marketing the amount of water that Vietnam has access to. That's right guys, marvel at our water. We have so much water here, we have to deal with plentiful water problems like dengue fever....

Secondly, when it rains in Ho Chi Minh City, the city stops its hustle and bustle and comes to a relative standstill as all the motorbikes hop off the roads and streets and people seek refuge underneath eaves and in cafes and markets. During the downpour and armed with my trusty umbrella and thongs, I happily traverse the streets being able to see what the city is like when it's quiet during the day. People selling bowls of noodles on the street cover their pots and bowls in plastic raincoats, shoe cobblers hide under eaves sharing a cigarette and cracking jokes. Kids pour onto the streets in the torrential rain to play soccer because they are finally devoid of traffic. I love seeing locals just doing what they usually do, it's fascinating stuff.

I also like walking the drenched streets without being bothered at every street corner I come across by pimps or people wanting me to buy 'same-same' t-shirts.

I guess I like it when I'm not being pointed out that I'm a tourist and can go about my way without much fanfare. With this in mind, I have come across a few strategies since I've been here that can help you reduce your profile. Adopt these strategies and I guarantee you won't get spruiked by as many people pursuing you for your tourist dollars.


Strategy 1: Look more Vietnamese

I know what you're thinking. What a freakin' brilliant idea!! But I am serious, every little bit helps. I have recently been to the hairdresser's and got myself a typical Vietnamese short back and sides cut (not intentionally, I just haven't figured out how to explain what kind of haircut I want in Vietnamese), and I reckon street hawkers have a split second of indecision before deciding whether or not to approach me. It could be because I look more Vietnamese, or because I now look like a Pointdexter (and I fully appreciate that Pointdexters should generally be avoided where possible). Eitherway, that extra second allows me to breeze past before they have a chance to stop me to sell me yesterday's Korean newspaper.

'But I'm caucasian! How can I possibly look Vietnamese?' I hear you say. Well, think about it this way. If David Carradine can masquerade as a Chinese monk trekking through the wild west in the tv series 'Kung fu' with merely the addition of a bit of eye-shadow, then every one of you has a chance. And if you've ever seen the tv show, you'll realise that you will also inherit supreme kung fu skills that are so fast you'd only ever be able to see it if it's filmed in slow motion. It won't be quite as fast as my kung fu skills though, because I'm actually Chinese.

If you are of a 'huskier' heritage, then I understand that looking Vietnamese could be a bit of a challenge. But no matter, that's where strategy 2 comes in.


Strategy 2: Hang out close to caucasian tourists

You don't need to hang out with them unless you actually are hanging out with them, but if you're looking to not garner too much attention, then hover around caucasian tourists.

In the tourist dollar hierarchy, caucasian looking tourists are still top of the tree with all other ethnicities lagging behind in the eyes of vendors who are looking to sell their genuine zippo lighters and gucci sunglasses hanging off a piece of cardboard. So if you're pounding the footpath close to a caucasian tourist, 99% of the time the caucasian tourist will be spruiked to buy their chintzy cr*p, while you can breeze by virtually oblivious to them on your road to tourist freedom.


Strategy 3: Carry street food in your hand

I could be making this up, or it could actually be true, but as a general rule you don't get bothered by people if you are eating and walking at the same time, and especially so if you're eating street food, because tourists don't generally eat street food.

So anytime you don't really want to get bothered, approach a food vendor (because they don't approach foreigners) and buy the snack that is on offer. It could be a pork roll, pate chaud, steamed sweet potato or cassava sprinkled with salt/sugar/sesame seed/coconut mix, pandan flavoured waffles, mung bean paste encased in translucent green jelly, anything really, it's generally pretty good. Eating snack food around merchandise vendors is like carrying cloves of garlic around vampires, they'll stay close but they won't attack you.

Ok I'll admit it, I don't buy street food to ward off street vendors, I just like it. I only noticed it happens to ward off street vendors too which is an added bonus. Mmmm, translucent green jelly thingies.... (I should mention that translucent green thingies are not as good in Vietnam. In Australia they make them so you can really taste the translucent green in them....)


Strategy 4: Um, don't be such a tourist

Some people's idea of travelling to foreign lands is meeting other people of the same heritage in a foreign land and eating and drinking in ex-pat pubs. The thing is, if you're going to travel that way, then there are only a few specific places where you'll all be, and hence every vendor selling their $15 rolex watches will know where to go to move their stock.

Travel further away from the tourist area and you won't get bothered because the tourist market is far smaller. You might get stared at a bit more, and if you're a girl, you might get snapped on the odd camera phone, but I much prefer that kind of attention to being sold stuff I don't need. I should mention that camera phones are not scary to me because I've probably never been snapped on one, but I do overhear utterings from local sales girls that I'm a Korean pretty boy from time to time so I dunno, maybe I do get my picture taken 😉

Anyway, that's more than enough. I'll see you if you're in Melbourne in a couple of weeks time. Til next time....

Ben

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