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Published: September 21st 2006
The Sun Goes Down,
On an excellent adventure7th July to 1st September 2006
After "Summing up South America" I felt it was only fair to shed some light on The States in the same way so, here's some opinions and reflections on an all-American road trip.
The language barrier;
'Don't think there is one? Think again. There is so much slang and a plethora of different pronunciations that you have to listen just as carefully and be as just prudent with your replies as you do when you're trying to talk in an un-native tongue. I feel I can get my own back here as I have had enough of being accused of being Australian (a commom mis-conception among Americans when they first hear your accent). So, I'll relay a story from earlier in my travels that relates to The Queen's English and a guy I met from New York. During a conversation with him and some fellow Europeans (in which they had asked me how far something was and I'd answered in kilometers) he took great offence and stated; "Typical British, you give the world the Imperial system of measuring and then desert it for the Metric, leaving the US as the
The Seattle Centre
(Notice how centre is spelt correctly)? only country that still uses it!" To which I calmly replied (in my best hoiyty-toiyty, English gent accent); "Well, that's what you get for bastardising our language!" All taken and meant in good jest, of course.
Country Music;
Sorry if you're a fan but, I never have been and after this experience, I never will be. I didn't realise just how big the problem is in The States. It's an epidemic. Country is all over the country, and there was me thinking it was simply a southern affliction. But no, in most bars, cafes, shops and, yes, even elevators (that's a Lift in "proper" English), the music that has that unmistakable, gut-wrenching geeetar twang to it, which turns your intestines inside-out, is contaminating the whole population. It must be a sickness that affects the mind as well because the people here seem to like it and they simply smile as they suffer track after track of this interminable din. They even dance and sing along, a-whooping and a-yee-haa-ing, to tunes such as " I lost my dawg to the man next door," "My Daddy was my Brother but, now he's my lover" and "Moonshine, Combines and
Sexy Suzi
My trusty steed on this Trans-Western-America-Tour (TWAT for short) a four-wheel truck- this sounds like love to me." It is alarming to see what this disease spread by decibels can do to a Human Being. These people need help, please post your online donations at www.turnoffthetwang.com or simply send me some dosh at the usual address so I can go and get some better earplugs. And in answer to the artist when she drawls out "Can I get a hellll- yeahhh?" in her song "Red Neck Woman" (that's a real one, I promise)................ Not from me, you bloody-well can't!!
Byway big issues;
1. Road-rage. I didn't witness much of this and I think I know the reason why. The one time I lost it myself (after a guy had pulled out in front of me, causing Suzi to slide half-way sidewards for a few feet) I quickly came to my senses and stopped mouthing off at him. As he sat staring silently and menacingly at me, the thought crossed my mind that he probably had one hand on the steering wheel and the other on his gun. Sufficient enough detterent for me to shut my big mouth. My Gore-Tex jacket is great at keeping the
Not Much Choice Really,
Considering the state of the roads wind and rain out but, I'm not entirely sure that it's bullet-proof!
2. Rough riding. I had a wee moan about the state of the surfaces I had encountered in California but, I think it's worth documenting the different types of dangers you can face on any given highway here;
a) The pot-Hole; A timeless favorite this one. Pops up out of the blue, and by the time you've seen it, it's too late to avoid it. Particularly nasty at night when you get no prior warning of its existance at all. Good for jarring backs and letting out pent-up frustration (you tend to scream out a barrage of expletives after hitting one, which calms the soul somewhat).
b) The "Soft" Shoulder; Outside of towns, where there are no kerbs, there is nearly always a shoulder, generally a metre or two in width. Handy for pulling over on to for a quick snap-shot of the surrounding scenery but, sometimes cunningly disguised. The Shoulder, although generally made of the same material as the road, can be composed of gravel or grit with the same colouration as the tarmac. This gives the impression of a smooth, hard surface when
you are traveling by at speed. You only realise that this is not the case once you're on it and your wheels are doing a very good impression of magnets with opposed poles............. They want to go in different directions. It is like trying to ride through quicksand and it is not advised to enter on to this area at more than Five miles per hour- I know, I've hit a few at Forty!
c) The temporary surfaces during road works (These come in all sorts of guises); The smooth, slick, slapdash of black bitumen all over the highway which has the bike sliding silkily like an Olympic ice-skater, the gravel and lumpy stone under-belly of a scraped-off road which produces an effect not unlike that of the Soft Shoulder but, the difference being, you have no choice but to ride over it and, of course, not forgetting the groovy gridlines created by the first stage in removing existing tarmac which feels like you're riding on closely-nit tram tracks- always a treat that one!
3. Getting lost; Not high on the list of advisable things to do in The States. Especially when, the fuel in your tank will
My Favorite Highway
Winding through the Birch (that's BIRCH) forests of Utah get you One Hundred and Twenty-Five miles and the next town (which comprises of the desired gas station, two tumble weeds and a dog with one ear and three legs sitting by the side of the road) is One Hundred and Twenty miles away. The shortest of diversions from the intended route could mean a night spent sleeping in the desert with an unpleasant array of bedfellows such as scorpions, spiders and snakes. Although I am pretty good at finding my own way I did have to laugh at myself when I turned up in Flagstaff. Stupidly, I didn't have the address of the hostel I was staying in about my person. I'd got directions from a local using the part of the details that I had remembered and knew I was on the right road (not much help here as the roads run from one end of town to the other and frequently have numbers for addresses up in the thousands). So, I spent fifteen minutes unpacking my bags, in the dark, at the side of the road, trying to find my lonely Planet Guide. Finally, I found it, and after looking up the address, I exclaimed "Bugger" so
loudly that I nearly caused passers by cardiac arrests........... Yep, I was parked across the street from the hostel and it had a sign outside that was at least ten feet high proclaiming it's obvious existance. What a numpty!! As my gorgeous girlfriend would say.
4. The place name game; You can play this anywhere as the only rule is that you have to find a link (even the most tenuous will do) between a place you pass through and absoloutely anything else or, indeed, just find the town's name funny. Here are some of my favorites; Going back to the above, I thought I was lost on certain days when I happened to pass through Aberdeen, Elgin, Inverness and Glasgow. I also stopped in Scotia (the nearest thing I could find to Scotland) for gas but, the place reminded me of the town from that Sylvester Stallone film, "First Blood" so, I didn't hang around too long in case the Sherriff started shooting at me. On the places from home link, I also went through Manchester but, all I did there was spit on the ground- Manchester means United to me wherever it is in the world! At
Coos bay, I did'ne see any Coos (Scottish joke- think about it). Cold Springs was the most ironic name I came across, as it was so hot when I stopped there that the one horse in a truly one-horse town was melting- it was a plastic sculpture. I thought The Gap in Arizona was boring so, I didn't buy anything in there. But, it isn't as boring as Boring, Oregon which I've heard is, well.......... Boring! I went through two Rawhides (not including my own after a long days riding) and two Eurekas (which seemed like a good idea at the time- sorry, that was terrible but, I'm leaving it in anyway). I hit two Who songs along the way (Happy Jack and Sparks) and took a ride in one of my favorite cars; Mustang. My ex-Father in law was chuffed to learn I'd been through a city with his surname, Lincoln but, alas I never went near Sacremento to visit my namesake in a town called Carmichael. You can't see 'em all I suppose.
5. Bugs; These range from big to bleedin' enormous. You can tell the difference between the varying sizes by using the following formula; Impact
"oww" factor x splat stain radius + remaining body parts ratio = size of bug. The more it hurts, the larger the area covered with bug guts (including the colouration of said insides sometimes) and a large amount of wings, legs or antennae left visible after the collision gives a good indication that you have hit a monster. However, this calculation cannot be applied to the insects in the enormous range. They simply batter in to your body and, seemingly, shake their tiny, tentacled heads, give you a little wink and bugger off on their merry little way without leaving so much as a smudge at the point of impact. There are no remains left behind to apply the formula to- you just know you've been hit by a biggy because it bloody hurts!
Sounds of the States forever in my memory;
The crack of a thunder clap directly overhead during storms in Arizona and Utah, when the heat of the day had built and built until the angry afternoons seemed to vent the frustrations of the clouds that had closed in all around.
The snores of the guy at Point Reyes Hostel, California, who
beats any "night-hog" I have ever heard before. Despite being furthest away from him (probably the only reason he is still alive to this day), earplugs pushed so deep into my head that it hurt and two pillows wrapped around my noggin, I could still hear his rattling rasps. They were that loud that the windows panes around the whole room vibrated under the decibellic (is that a word?) pressure.
Much more soothing was the russle of the wind through the tall golden grasses as it whistled across the first basin at the start of Highway Fifty. Softer still was the whisper of a dust devil as it danced across the tarmac ahead of me, before it slowly meandered its way into oblivion when the breeze that created it peetered out and died on that same lonely road.
Not so soothing is the cat-a-walling of a country singer and tinny twang of his geee-tar that I cringed at everywhere. While on the subject, I still haven't recieved any donations yet. What's up with you lot? These people need help and I need new eardrums! Almost as annoying were the "Wooo-Hooos" and "Ye-aahhs" you hear at any sporting event.
The Trouble With Yosemite is-
People but, the people in The US are no trouble at all Of course, the Cheerleaders at ball games are forgiven for their part in these over emotional exclamations because at least they look good while they're doing it!
And, finally, the people;
I started my first US blog talking about pre-conceptions and how I thought many of mine would be dispelled along the way. As always, I was right (I get that from my Dad or, so my Mum says). The American people get a bad rap (like the use of the local terminology?). Yes, there are fat, ignorant oafs who preach religious divinity while practicing bigotry. And there are those that declare all things American to be the biggest and best in the world, while everywhere else is full of enemies with hidden agendas against their great nation, even though, they themselves have never set foot outside of their own country. But, these are the "Yanks" that my mind is familiar with because it has been bombarded with these images and Ideas of Americans since I was a kid, mainly by the media and entertainment industries. They are not the real personalities I have met on this road trip. And there have been some
A Grand Canyon
In a great country real personalities too; Full of frivolity, intelligence, humour, confidence and concern but, above all, kindness. The American people are, to my mind, one of the major factors in what makes the country great. Even those that I met that do believe there is no reason to go anywhere else because they have "Got it all" here (a statement which used to make me angry as I thought it was only their arrogance talking), may have a point. I have ridden through deserts and forests, over mountains and across plains, been beside oceans and in to huge cities. I have seen masses of varied fauna and flora, touched, tasted and smelled many different things and, I have experienced a wealth of different cultures. All this in a few short weeks. On this evidence and, even though I have only visited Six of the Fifty States, I think if a country can claim to have it all, this is it. In reality, I have only scratched the surface but, I get the feeling I will get the American itch again in the future and be back to scratch some more.
But for now I must say good bye to
the good ol' US of A. Thanks y'awl, it's been a blast!
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Gorgeous girlfriend
non-member comment
one of the best...
... and not just cos I got a mention! Think you have the got the hang of this writing lark! ;) I know this has been mentioned before, but please could you start publishing at about 5pm UK time? It really is unfair having to read all about your adventures just as we have sat down at our desks and are facing spreadsheets, irate emails and unsmiling colleagues! Think you all your blogs are fab, luv ya x