Mission(ary) Control Position

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That got your attention! So did Johnson (?! I've been on my own too long??!) Space Center's Mission Control for me. I saw it today - the orginal room, with the old, pastel green consoles where all the geeks fingered their slide-rules and prayed for the Apollo missions to not f*ck up. I basically drooled all over the glass from the observation lounge where the astronauts' wives sat & hoped their unfaithful, Corvette-screeching husbands didn't come back ...

I also saw another Saturn V rocket - this time much closer up (I'm still not jaded!) and then marvelled at the Gemini, Mercury & Apollo capsules. Jeez, how claustrophobic were they?? Three crappy spandex couches inside an IKEA wardrobe! No thanks! I need to go to the Moon in style. The Shuttle is much better in terms of room, but still pretty unsafe, I think - and they're phasing it out anyway after the space station is finished in 2010. Overall, though, JSC was kiddy-based (it's owned by Disney!), naff, and not much fun for adult space buffs ...

The next Shuttle launch is apparently being postponed by a month after hail in Florida damaged the external fuel tank. Sometimes I think NASA is just like me - able to form complex ideas, but absolutely without common sense. I mean, it's happened before - bad weather has caused damage - so why don't they make sure the whole structure is shielded on the pad? The trouble is, they're all Alphas like me - too busy running around hypothesizing to actual see in front of them! I threw the lid of the bin in with the rubbish (I'm resisting saying trash!) during the last non-stop days of my Ph.D.!

Dottie - the woman I'm now meeting for curry on Friday (the only veggie place in town!) - now she seems like she's got the whole deal, in terms of brains and practicality. She helped design the Shuttle, Apollo capsules and was told she was respobsible for getting the Shuttle program approved by the President. One heck of a lovely woman when I talked to her on the phone tonight too. Her interview transcript for NASA history shows that she's an amazing leader and people person - totally charming and aware of her role as a woman pioneer, capable of using her femininity as well as immense intelligence to get where she wanted to go. Smart!! I need to learn from her!

I feel I am growing so much here. I'm finding all kinds of different aspects to myself and all sorts of new aspirations - such as wanting to have financial power over my life (before money has been a filthy, immoral thing to lefty me!) and needing to learn to drive so I can come here and travel more ... or possibly even live here (not Texas, but somewhere nice). I'd miss everyone, but I do feel pretty at home in this country for some goddamn reason ...

I'm not meditating in the formal sense, but I am reflecting an awful lot on what I want from life and I'm gaining some insights into how to love and comfort myself. After all, there's no one here to tell me I'm great, so every day I say to me: "I love you very much." I've only just noticed I'm doing it! It seems odd (but why, when catty self-criticism comes without judgement?), but I do desperately need to channel some of that love I so easily flow to others into my own being. My fabulous Gramps used to say: "If you don't blow your own trumpet, no one will." I guess it's a subtle version of that.

I wonder how much I've really changed though - whether the shifts will stay when I'm home again, or whether anyone will notice. I'm meeting Julian next week and we'll see what he thinks. It will be the end of a chapter for me, seeing Chicago with him by my side - my solo flight concluded. To be honest, I feel a bit strange about it. I've been lonely and depressed at times - you all know! - but I have also enjoyed embracing my experiences by myself. I love independence and freedom. I can't p*ss anyone off! (Well, I still do unfortunately ...) I am very tired and craving creature comforts, proper food (my skin is screaming from the junk I'm gorging on - Hershey bar addiction, ahoy!), hugs and proper gossipy chats! But I could keep going (if I was rich!) for a long while yet. I am a bit worn out by talking to new people, but I think a few days off would cure that.

I will miss America and my life on the road. Next week might even be hard in terms of writing this blog - something which has become part of my routine out here.

But we're not done yet! More fun and games to be had at the JSC archives tomorrow. And, despite all the ways in which humid (I look like Boney M!), over-highwayed Houston might try to keep us two legs on the margins (I met a cab driver today who'd never ridden a train!), I am going to try to get a bus from the university to downtown to see the Rothko Chapel (misery loves company!). It'll be hard, but I have to do it, as it's my only chance - I doubt I'll be returning here!! Unless, NASA takes me on as a writer-in-residence!!!

You know, I actually think being an astronaut would be really boring! They trawl through all that crummy fitness and survival stuff and then all they do is fit the space station together like glamorous construction workers and flip through checklists to see what the should be doing in terms of the craft. I'd like to just hang out as a space tourist & sip pina coladas in zero g! Oh, and walk in beautifully bejwelled cowboy boots across the Moon surface! Mind you, I tried an Apollo helmet today and it was so terrible! I can't stand lifts, so being in that goldfish bowl was horrifying! The thought of diving freaks me out (no air, no way out!), so maybe space should remain a vicarious pleasure for me. Thank God/ Universe for the imagination. It's taken me here and hopefully much further - to past first (Moon) base.

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