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Published: July 29th 2011
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It comes up so quickly in this work for me, being completely aware in a very young state. I have questions around how to best serve this when it comes out. Here, I am very alive, but often very afraid.
In Hakomi, we practice safety and techniques to work with child states, to know when they are emerging and how to roll with them, be with them. The method in full session form is a precise, elegent, non-violent channel to “evoke” and work with these states. What we are doing is re-accessing, and re-wiring neural circuits by moving through patterns that were perhaps not wired to their best use early on. Changing brain patterning is no easy ride and yet if it is necessary for a person, there is no other way. My infant circuits are still in progress. When the infant aspect of my body memory, and psyche emerge I am a total open vessel…my sensitivity is through the roof. There are real gifts and challenges of having a super present infant self. This is not new. My very close to the surface, young self, does not have many words, and very willing to arise. She is the one
who wants to play, and have very simple slow acknowledgment. She is the one that gazes in wonder, rests in not knowing, and is the source of understanding. And yet......she is also the silent stuck pattern that has frozen me in various states of subtle shock and terror, just under the surface of my “adult” body. She is the gift, she is the wound.
Before I became resourced enough to recognize her emergence, I would find myself stuck in the loop of overwhelm and shut down of my adult self. It still happens, but less frequent, and I am more present. I used to think that it was something about my situation causing this or that there was something wrong. Now I just see it for what it is, a very real present self state of a traumatized infant who is seeking the dignity she never received....she comes out fairly often. Looking soft, playing nice. Infants coo and seduce you to look at them so they will be seen, acknowledged, know that they are safe in the world, and not alone. How natural for a infant. We could only imagine what might happen to an infant who is soft,
sweet, cooing looking out for someone, and no one is available over and over. Rewiring this system of belief is not easy work, going to that place of memory, and re-experiencing this is scary. And I have learned that it can be scary for other people too.
It is unique to be in a Hakomi training situation where we are students of the work, and potential clients. We learn the method by going through the method playing, “client,” and “therapist.” So we are asked to divide our attention into learning while cruising through the altitudes of psychosomatic travel. Tracking states of ourselves as Hakomi students, while also willingly going into deep places of work is a skill with a steep learning curve. The amplitudes of inner space can be quite a ride. I have taken stock of all the ways I travel these, exploring mind states and come to some pause in understanding. I can sit zazen for hours day after day, lay in Shavasana lucidly, I can stand on one leg for almost ten minutes or maybe my hands, shoulders, or head. I can support a woman during labor, hold someone while they cry, but being with myself
while moving through the body memory of my terrorized infant self in a learning group…some of whom are seeing this type of state for the first time is potent difficulty at its’ utmost level.
There are few words for the type of sensation and considering that happened during this moment. We are all doing are best is what we came to. I am doing my best to let the process unfold without jumping out of the work that my system needs to have happen for its’ own peace and well-being because it is too difficult. And they are doing their best with this learning curve. I walked right up and touched the raw belief system that gets set in motion when a child is told they are difficult. Trying to make myself more easy and less of a burden for the benefit of others....this is a deep complex set of habits I am working through wanting to be free from… and under this that I was the one that had to make sense of everything for everyone, and under that…I was the problem. Moving through years of toddler and childhood wishing, if only I was better, easy, less of
a problem, then everyone would get along. I watched my small group, under the pressure of this practice moment defragment into parts, like they were shattering, how curious. I noticed what came up for me an almost immediate reaction, "oh god its' happening again." I watched myself become triggered....it could have been easy to believe, that I was the one causing this conflict, that I am the one to blame…and that I oughta come out of myself to make everything okay because that is the way my adaptive unconscious is wired, had learned to navigate my formative terrain.
I am not sure if it was divinity, chance, or right timing that as I lay on the floor looking up to the lights listening to my small group break apart that I remembered something a good friend told me at just the right time a few weeks prior…”its’ not your fault.” That is what I wanted to hear, needed to hear, and still need to hear. Being blamed for what is natural occurring, especially if it is difficult is a heinous belief to carry around. I am the one to blame, I’ve got the problem, or deeper the message, we only love you if you are easy.
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Trish
non-member comment
Sweet, Dear Allison,
"It's not your fault." Thank you for your courage to be present with all your layers of emerging Self. I am so nourished by your beautiful sensitivity and honoring of your infant state, and am full of appreciation for Hakomi and all the beautiful Souls, like you who have rode their rapids and found compassion for themselves and others. Gorgeous photos of Ashland too! Thank you for your willingness to share this with us. Namaste, Dear One. Trish