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Published: April 27th 2008
A Typical Summer...Disclaimer:
...usually consisted of teaching gang signs to naive J-Poppers. Not this year
I poke a lot of fun about certain (outdated) stereotypes that exist about Texas (and the South in general) in this entry. If you happen to be from said location, if you happen to have visited said location or if you happen to be a liberal hippie douchebag who has no connection to said location except through the screen of your MacBook, don't take offense. I don't believe in these stereotypes and they're just meant to accentuate the hilarity of my situation.
Why the disclaimer? In the off chance a Texan stumbles upon this blog entry, then I stumble upon this Texan during the summer and I want to a) make it out alive (if male) or b) have something better than a 0%!c(MISSING)hance at getting laid (if female).
Now onto the entry.
After basically moping around after the whole Calgary+Montana Trip, I did nothing.
Didn’t try to sign pitchers, didn’t play any type of baseball, didn’t do anything.
And I still had to figure out what to do with my summer. I had been offered a job from my old company in Japan, but the problem was that I didn’t have
The Alpha Male
His full beard grew back after the flash from the camera had receded
a place to stay. Because of a falling out between my grandparents and my parents and because my grandmother had to deal with all the crazy shit I did in Japan that all you readers eat up, I had been forbidden from entering my grandmother’s house by all parties. And rent is fucking expensive in that tiny island country.
I had been envisioning signing Chiaki to a long term deal, so I figured I would work in Japan and stay at her place and have the best fucking summer of my life. Obviously, that plan imploded on itself, so I was left scrambling.
I applied to a bunch of places, never heard back, and I was panicking when the Alpha Male fed the Beta Male his scraps.
In a theory created by D-German (my roommate) and yours truly, there are two types of males roaming the human world. Alpha Males are natural born leaders of the male species, much like their wolf counterparts; they are strong, fearless, show a knack at getting laid and have many devout followers (among both males and females). Beta males, on the other hand, are meek, have to work tirelessly to get
Two Betas Struggling to Get Laid
D-German and I, happy we're friends with the Alpha Male
laid (usually after the females have been used by an Alpha) and tend to follow in the wake of other Alphas.
I am definitely a Beta.
It’s not that being a Beta is bad (consider that a perfect example of an Alpha Male is a college fratboy douchebag), but it does point out deficiencies. I’m not a physical specimen ladies delight in, I don’t get laid with regularity and I don’t have a following (minute, online followings on TravelBlog don’t count).
Instead, I have to work tirelessly to get laid (and seldom does my work pay off) and I have to do so in a way that doesn’t use whatever manliness I do have—like having a biting dark sense of humor (which repels most women), planning a romantic scene (which always fails) or using cliché love lines (which always happens to work but seems grossly immoral).
Anyway, one of the classic examples of an Alpha Male is my friend Ronak. Over 6 feet tall, this broad, strapping Indian with enough facial (and body) hair to get rug burn stroking his chin whilst pondering NP-complete problems is not just the epitome of masculinity, but he is smart
His hands indicate how much Alpha-ness he has
All my female and homosexual readers can now return your right hands back onto your mouse.
Because he is Indian, Alpha Male happens to be in my Computer Science program and told me about this opportunity to do Computer Science research in Texas.
“You get mad money, free housing, free travel, food and you can definitely score with hot Texas chicks. They’ll love you because you’re so different! You’re funny, Asian and a Northener! There’s no one like you down there! You’ll score everynight! I did!”
Coming from an Alpha Male, scoring everynight is certainly possible, but throw a Beta Male in the same situation and you go from “score everynight” to “download porn everynight with a pint of ice cream, a jar of Vaseline and a bucket to catch your tears”.
But seeing as I was in a huge slump, I let myself get sucked in.
“Really? Really? I’ll get laid everynight?”
“Yea! And you’ll definitely get accepted since you’re a minority and they love hiring minorities for their program!”
I sent in my app and a month later I was accepted.
I took a one
A Purple Sweater
This outfit will not accompany me to Texas.
week break back to New York City in between finals (returning to Montreal on April 28) and told my father my summer plans.
He stared at me.
“They have guns, the KKK and its white!”
Given my education, I’m sure Texas had more than guns, the KKK and an overabundance of an achromatic color. But my father drove his point home.
Being the only Asian usually is a good thing. Hell, you’re fucking exotic and everyone wants to touch your skin to figure out where you got your sickly yellow hue (Jaundice?).
Being the only Asian in Texas? I’m sure running from a lynch mob is easier when you can feed it slower Asians.
Being the only humorous guy is a good thing. You’re the center of everyone’s attention and you ARE the party. Hell, no one (and by “one” I mean “girl”) is going to treat you seriously, but everyone loves you.
Being the only humorous guy in Texas? I’m sure Texans laugh, but only when a church is burning…in a black neighborhood.
Being the only New Yorker is always amazing. Everyone can’t believe they’re meeting
This Hat Won't Accompany Me Either
If needed, I'll hide under a pointy white sheet
a real one. Not some Westchester/Long Island/Upstate/Tri-State poser. An actual New Yorker from Manhattan. They go bananas and ask you tons of questions and talk about the one time they went to New York when they were 5 (we hate tourists) and the vague memories they have from it (we don’t care-why not make a TravelBlog about it?) and their favorite Seinfeld episode (Yes, it really is shot in New York) and ask where you were on 9/11 (we hate talking about it) and proudly show you their I Love NY t-shirt they bought from an immigrant on Times Square (way to prop up the flagging economy!). Anyway, you’re the fucking center of everyone’s attention.
But the only New Yorker in Texas? I’ll have to constantly risk death by telling them that we won the Civil War…and the Superbowl.
And according to Alpha Male, getting laid is easy. That’s because his 6’2” self is average height there.
I’m 5’8” and I’ll be smack dab in the middle of a state that has the most football players per capita.
I’m not getting laid. It’s only going to prolong my drought.
And I can’t even masturbate in Texas. God exists down there.
But obviously, this blog (and of course, my life) is based around my drastic failures in my relationships with women, so Texas will be great material.
I’ll try hitting on Southern belles, get accustomed to rejections in drawls and detail all the trouble a tiny, underage, stupid Asian (and a Yankee, to boot) can get into in a state where gunshots accentuate conversations like exclamation marks and beer is cheaper than water.
And I’m sure I’ll love it—a chance to finally go to the Durrty Durrrrty South?
And I’ll be making mad money and watching amazing sports—Houston, Dallas/Fort Worth and San Antonio are all 2 hours away and the College World Series apparently plays at the school I’ll be working at.
Hell I might even become famous as I’ll be the token Asian nervously smiling on the school’s brochure.
And the one added benefit is the start of the program coincides with the end of summer school so I’ve decided to take a summer course up in Montreal.
A week ago, I finally found a free agent pitcher on the Canadian market who’s looking to sign.
She’ll be taking a summer course as well.
Opening Day of the Summer League: May 1
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