Week Six – Vegas was a Dream

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Las Vegas, Via San Dimus, Santa Barbara, Via Guadalupe - Sand Dunes, Via San Luis Obispo, Via Cambria - Elephant Seals, Via Big Sur, Santa Cruz, San Fransisco


Day 35 - Monday
20.04.2009

Righty Roo. It is officially party time as tomorrow is one of the most important days of the year - my birthday so we packed up and fucked off to Vegas baby. Coachella was still fookin hot, team that with restless nights in a shitty tent made the thought of sleeping all the way there seem brilliant. That’s exactly what I did and god knows how long later we arrived at the Wild Wild West Hotel. This “hotel” was no Bellagio and there was certainly nothing wild or western about it. It was basically just a glorified motel run by right mardy bastards who had clearly achieved nothing in life and were now making us pay for it. The icing on the cake was that this (as we later found out) was the only hotel without wireless connection in the whole of Vegas. How we always manage to find the only place without internet amazes me, what amazes me even more is that we never remember to check in the first place - twats.

After Gem slept and I (in very loose terms) topped up my tan we went on a mission to walk around the fifty other hotels on our street to pick up wireless so we could make a plan for the evening. We managed to loiter outside of every hotel, restaurant and gas station for a total of 45 minutes, and not pick up signal once even though they all stated “free wi-fi” - skanky bastards and their low speed connections.
Later we figured out that our hotel did have internet but at a price. At $5 a nanosecond we were well and truly ripped off. But we did get enough time to write down several locations to those all important gay establishments. After a few phone calls however several were whittled down to one. The rest being ruled out on the grounds that they were only for those unfortunate lot who have a thing for penises, bums and whatnot - that’s not something we delve into really.

We had our plan sorted so we grabbed a cab and moseyed on over to the strip - or so we thought. Our Korean taxi man unfortunately didn’t concentrate hard enough at his “how to understand the English language” class as he took us instead to the Sahara hotel. Not exactly pleased but not a lot we could do and the fare was already $20 so we hopped out and thought “it can’t be long to walk from here!” This foolish thinking seemed to have started a trend for us and walking around Vegas.
We walked up the strip and as it was my birthday the next day we were planning on partying that night and seeing my birthday through to the early hours and then having a hangover on the actual day. Anyway because of this we were looking for somewhere “nice” to eat. Nothing fancy by any stretch of the imagination but not a Maccy Ds. We walked for fucking ages and that is an understatement. You cannot find anything when you want it. We walked for at least an hour and a half starving and it was very humid as you might imagine being in the desert. I am not the nicest person when I am hungry so Gem was doing her best not to punch me in the face by the time we found somewhere. It was “nice” when we did find somewhere though. It was the first touristy bar/food place we could find - Margaritaville. Gem was very excited about the name, and we gorged ourselves on fajitas and veggie burgers.
As I was feeling a little more pleasant (not that I was that bad!) we got our trot on to explore the rest of the strip and soak up the sights. We found Bill’s Casino with $2 margaritas and beers so we were straight there. Gem however drank her very strong yet heavily iced frozen margarita too fast. This after stuffing a veggie burger was not the best recipe for starting out the evening as she started to feel very very sick - this is how we should be feeling at the end of a night! To fight the feeling of her vomiting we sat on the side of the street like two bums. For entertainment we perused the array of escort girl cards that Gem had picked up earlier and apparently they were “up for a good time.” By this point it was 12am so we saw my birthday in with me rubbing Gem’s back and us both commenting favourably on clit bling. The night was still young though and we had much more to conquer. Gem got her second wind so we decided to head in the direction of Vegas’ only lesbian bar…. I’m not sure why now but we chose to walk to this bar and it took us an hour. I would never usually do this but we were just fucking around on the way and it didn’t seem too taxing - maybe I was energised by my fajitas.
So we got there at 1am and found a club that was $20 each to get in! One hour walk or no one hour walk, we weren’t paying that. Luckily the drag queen hostess over heard that we were poor travellers, and took pity and let us in for $10 each - brillo. This along with a $10 drinking wristband that allowed you to drink free spirits all night meant we were well and truly set up for fun.
The “lesbian” bar had more penis in it than Curzon’s did on Bear and Bondage night but not to worry as the drinks were free. We only had an hour and a half to drink before they kicked us out and as we couldn’t have shots we went on a mission. This was the first time I got a chance to put my 7up and gin tip in action (thank you Amanda.) Apparently Americans think when I say lemonade, that I want the homemade cloudy stuff - durr! Who the hell would want that in a mixer?! The gin and 7up worked a treat and it got me very happily buzzed throughout the evening.
Later we got chatting to the only women in there who were cool to chat to but a little hard on the eyes so to speak. Earlier we commented (from afar) about how one of the girls we were now chatting to had very sizable breasts but yet was lacking in any kind of support i.e. she had massive tits that were down to her knees as she was braless.
(This bit makes me sick a little in my mouth) - Gem happened to mention to this without a doubt, orthopaedically challenged woman that it was my 25th. Before I could even manage to say thank you for her celebratory congratulations she pulled down her vest and motorboated me. It was very funny only to be made funnier that we were only just slagging her off for her disgusting boobs. Well it’s never happened before, so there’s a first time for everything.
While I sat there wondering whether to say thank you or to run away this “generous” lady was giving Gem some tips on our next activity.
We were pissed, it was 3am and so when we left I thought we were going to stumble back to the hotel. Gem however had it all worked out as she said “Right, let’s go get you a lap dance” - boo ya!”
With her researched info, we found Seamless, a lap dancing club and after an extortionate entrance fee we were in. It was Monday night / Tuesday morning so it wasn’t exactly a banging night but that doesn’t put us off. The only women walking around for “action” looked like rough old goats. I could have gotten better from Eden in Derby. I wasn’t impressed by the talent on offer but I did spot three fit women dancing on the bar behind us. One of them looked like Alicia Keys with curly hair so when she was sat on her break I went over and had a chat. Unfortunately she wasn’t available for a dance despite me drunkenly trying to convince her but she was cool and for a while I stood there chatting about education, travel and the meaning of life - I’m kidding about the last one, I was too pissed for that. After telling her that I wasn’t loving any of the girls knocking around and it was my birthday and first dance, ra ra ra, she said she would see what she could do. Sure enough she pointed us out to her friend, who came trotting over for a chat. Her name was Dream (hmm her christened name I wonder.) She was by all accounts, quite fit, I can’t remember her face at all, it was too dark and I was too pissed but I remember what she felt like, hahaha. After paying the girl (thanks dude) I was led off to a quiet corner for the deed. She asked if I had a preference on where to sit and I said “next to no men” which she seemed more than happy with. I got a 2 song dance and I’m not sure how these things usually work but feeling, pinching, grabbing etc were all allowed if not encouraged - too much information, Mum, Dad!?
It was a fun experience and after we sat chatting about all sorts of nonsense. I found out her actual name was Elizabeth to which I tried to convince her was much better than Dream without offending her of course. We ended the night sat with a music producer called Wayne who had invited us over to (what we found out to be) his $300 booth complete with complementary vodka so Gem was happy.
We stumbled back to the hotel at 6am as the sun was rising with the feeling that we had well and truly done Vegas and we still had another day to go.



Day 36 - Tuesday
21.04.2009

Funnily enough it wasn’t an early rise for us. We woke at 2pm feeling like shite and only got up as I forced us so we could see some of the day. The day consisted of us finding food and then lying by the pool soaking up the brilliant sun. After stumbling over to good old Maccy Ds (yes we were definitely still pissed) I had wanted to walk to a pharmacy. The reason for this was that I had decided was that the reason I still wasn’t getting a tan was that I needed to use a lower factor lotion. We knew where to go and thought it can’t be that far away - it took us an hour just to get there so we used the two hour round trip walk in the baking sun to sweat out the toxins. After we left Vegas we agreed that we had NEVER walked so much in our lives.
I called my Mum so she could wish me a happy birthday (Dad I don’t have your number yet). First birthday in 25 years I’ve not been with you, I bet you cried!? I also opened up a very cool birthday card from Julie which was 3D and complete with the glasses - a moment of nausea passed while I tried to focus on the detail. That didn’t last long as we proceeded to take twatty photos of ourselves in the 3D glasses in various positions around the room. The rest of the day was spent by the pool with my newly-acquired sun tan lotion which was banana scented - I only mention this as I smelt like cooked biscuits which was not nice for my hangover.

As evening approached we thought it was time to leave the hotel and integrate back into the real world. We left for Fremont St, which is part of old Las Vegas. This is where all the iconic parts of Vegas are which you are used to seeing in TV and films, etc. so it was very cool. By this point I was flagging big time so we took it easy and definitely wasn’t having any alcohol. At one point we stayed to watch the overhead music videos on the massive screens stretching the length of the street. Every hour all the casinos turn off their lights and a video is played. Gem and I took this opportunity to lie on the floor and enjoy much to the amusement / disapproval of everyone around us. We also walked around the shit shops and bought a crap load of souvenirs. It was brillo.

Earlier in the taxi I was perusing the attractions book, all taxis seem to have, and found a handful of shows at various casinos that looked pretty cool. After reading the cheesy blurbs we decided to go and see Bite at the Stratosphere. The description was brilliant -
“BITE is an erotic and sensual topless revue based on deliciously evil vampires with a simple story line of sin, sex and seduction”. Obviously the was right up our street!

After we had the obligatory forced photo taken with us in an amazingly cheesy pose, with us looking like we were handcuffed from behind we sat and enjoyed. The show was a cross between Buffy the musical and Showgirls with all the naked vampire women dancing to 80s rock and pop such as Journey and Whitney Houston’s “Queen of the night” - it was fucking brilliant, what more could you want from a Vegas show?

Now we had well and truly done Vegas.


Day 37 - Wednesday
22.04.2009

So the boys (Chris and Gary) were picking us back up, but not until the afternoon so I used this spare time to sunbathe again.
We were leaving Vegas for Santa Barbara back in California to start from there to travel up the west coast. The drive was pretty uneventful apart from a stop off in San Dimas where Gary and I posed for a Bill n Ted air-guitar style photo by a San Dimas sign. Gem wasn’t bothered about this though, she was much more excited about their animal hospital - some quip about Rolf Harris and the Animal Hospital theme tune is repeated every time we are in eyeshot of one.

Once in Santa Barbara we rocked up on a cool little hotel which was recommended by the Lonely Planet. It was expensive but because it was so late they reduced the fee for us. All the rooms were designed differently - I love hotels like this, it reminded me of the Pelirocco in Brighton but less gay.

Gem and I left the boys to it and went off to get pissed and chat shit. On the way home Gem tap danced in Converse with a random drunk guy leaving a restaurant - you know, as you do.


Day 38 - Thursday
23.04.2009

As the hotel was now at normal price we had to bust a move to another that was a lot cheaper. After this, Gem and I fancied a bit of an activity and decided to rent bikes and ride along the coast. We went for the cheapest ones - no mountain bike, we had beach cruisers. They looked so incredibly gay, so we loved them. There was only two left and one had a basket on it, so I made Gem take that bullet. Can you imagine me riding a lady’s beach cruiser with a wicker basket attached? Err, no!
The bike ride was cool and we took in the atmosphere and the not-so-picturesque surroundings. I was really surprised by how scummy Santa Barbara was. I have never seen so many homeless and beach bums in one place.
That evening Gem and I found a bar with a happy hour which helped us get nicely merry and then while Gem went off the hang out with the boys, I had some me time and went to the cinema and watch Crank 2. I knew I was a little tipsy by this time as when I left and came back from the toilet I was convinced I had walked into the wrong screen - the film didn’t resemble anything familiar to me even though it was the right one.


Day 39 - Friday
24.04.2009

So we were leaving Santa Barbara but we weren’t sure where to. We had a plan to drive up Highway 1 which is beautiful drive along the west coast and hit up several places along the way as recommended by good old Lonely Planet.
We stopped at the Guadalupe sand dunes just above L.A. This was massive expanses of sandy beaches, the largest in America and apparently where they filmed Pirates of the Caribbean. It was very peaceful there so I sat back and soaked it all up.
We had a quick stop in San Luis Obispo before heading to Cambria further up the coast - a place where you can spot elephant seals. “Spotting” them was an understatement, they were EVERYWHERE. It was mad. At one point I looked over to the beach and followed the coastline and thought “oh that’s pretty” - I hadn’t even spotted the thousand bloaters ALL over the beach. There were so many of them that it was one of those “can’t see the woods for the trees” or special moments. As I walked closer you could see that they were right below the cliff we were standing on. All of them were lazing around on the beach belching at each other with loads of them fighting, a bit like Gem and I really. It was really cool - I of course took loads of pictures.

By this point we had decided to eventually stop in Santa Cruz. Before this however we drove through the highly recommended Big Sur. It was beautiful drive - winding roads high up on the cliff front. I just couldn’t appreciate it as much stuck in the back - I can’t wait to get our own car again!


Day 40 - Saturday
25.04.2009

Happy Birthday Granny!

We needed to move motels for somewhere cheaper and eventually found the Peter Pan Inn - a truly awful, awful motel but it was cheap and right next to the beach and boardwalk.
Gem, Chris and I headed off to the mystery spot which is apparently world famous and definitely something to check out while in Santa Cruz. Basically the Mystery Spot is a place on this part of land where the laws of gravity are skewed and nothing makes sense - hmm, well. We wanted to go and check it out for touristy cheese factor and to see if this was actually the case. The “mystery” behind this Mystery Spot was that it was on a hill. Simple, and I’m not even being cynical.
The tour guide took us around and did her usual spiel and led us through this house where apparently things fall in the opposite direction to what gravity says they should and you start to look smaller if you stand in certain places. This house though was built at an angle anyway, even if it was on level ground and then it was put on a hill so everything was basically there to confuse the mind and convince you of mysterious activity. Gem, Chris and I had several laughs about this and only took the piss slightly. It was shit but brilliant all at the same time as it had such gall to get away with charging tourists to see it for 70 years!!

Anyway it was time to bust a move as I had a surfing lesson. I had booked with Richard Schmidt, an old surfing pro. Once I had met him and got kitted up in full wet suit I had a two hour lesson with him teaching me and a Canadian guy called Maurice.
I was surfing on an 11-foot board which was obviously HUGE compared to me. After the obligatory on the beach standing on the board practices, we hit the freezing water. We were surfing slightly to the right of the beach and facing a cliff. We had to paddle out to where we would catch the best waves and it was at this point I realised I have zero upper body strength - it was SO difficult. I was fighting against the waves coming from one direction taking me towards the beach but also the current taking me diagonally out to sea. Once I finally got there though I was first up and when Richard said paddle you do it as hard as you can and jump up on the count of three and he gives your board a push to get you going. I’m not blowing my own horn or anything as I didn’t catch every wave, but I did catch my first one - it was awesome! Each wave was over very quickly and after I had the exhausting task of paddling back to start again. Richard was so good as he towed me a few times once I got too tired and so when I was paddling I wasn’t making any ground against the current. At one point when I was trying to paddle back to the beach after the two hours was up I found myself just drifting further and further out to sea and couldn’t get back no matter how hard I tried. Only a slight worrying thought entered my mind before Richard came to rescue me.
I caught quite a few waves and in between sat chilling on the board chatting to Richard. He was a cool guy. At one point waiting for a wave, he spotted and pointed out a wild seal pup right next to us, only a few feet away having a wash and eating a clam. That along with everything else made the whole experience fucking brilliant.

When I got back to the van and de-suited I was completely exhausted but buzzed all at the same time. I was really spacey and a little over-emotional with how exhausted I was. I kind of understand why surfers have that spacey stoner stereotype - aside from all the gear smoking of course.
Because I was knackered and as the water was so freezing I also had no motor function left in my hands. I couldn’t grip or do anything with them it was very weird.
I thanked Richard loads for looking after me and then trotted off along the beachfront and boardwalk where apparently they filmed some of the Lost Boys so it was cool to just chill out and walk around.

That night we all went out but Chris forgot his ID (silly boy) and so had to go back with no point returning as it was so far away. Gem and I found what seemed to be the only bar around called R&R. It was this cute little straight bar with old school leather office chairs dotted around, and darkly lit, so a little seedy. We thought it was cool and it was cheap too - bonus! We caught the eyes of the only dykey looking women there - I say women and not girls as they were slightly older. We got chatting to Maureen and Amber and at first it looked like they were a couple on a second or third date. We found out later that Amber was gay and married and Maureen was just ambivalent i.e. had a boyfriend but as it was becoming more apparent very much into Gem - who isn’t!
While Gem and Maureen flirted with long stares and entangled fingers (puke) Amber and I chatted about gay marriage and adoption. She and her now wife were the first couple to get legally married when California allowed that sort of thing (for all of two months) before Governor Schwarzenegger came into power. I’ve googled her since, she was all over the news.
After the bar kicked us out we all headed back to Maureen’s new house. She had only been there a week so nothing was set up and she had no furniture. The house was amazing though, in a very expensive neighbourhood - can anybody say Gem’s sugar mama?!
Anyway Amber went to bed and I set up the TV and DVD player for Maureen like any good little lesbian should in such a situation.
While Gem and Maureen sat chatting about the meaning of life or some other bollocks I fell asleep on the carpet watching X-men 3 with Maureen’s beautiful cat. This believe it or not was so much more preferable than sleeping at the Shit Inn.


Day 41 - Sunday
26.04.2009

It was the morning after the night before and we were feeling a little groggy. I woke to the sounds of the cat drinking the water from my glass - Mmm nice. We said our goodbyes to the women and I took pictures of everyone’s morning look much to their hatred.

After we had made our selves feel a little more human we got our drive on to San Francisco and found our abode - the Elements Hostel in the Mission. This was a slightly rough area but very close to San Fran’s only lesbian bar so worth it. After chilling we all headed out for Chinese as I had a jonesing. It was in the gay area so was riddled with lesbians. It was funny to sit and people watch and eat Chinese, of course.
We dumped the boys and then headed for all-lesbian bar, the Lexington. Along the way we both got very excited to see a 33 bus (our bus back home)- Gem had her picture with it and we both wondered if it was going to good old Blagreaves Lane - well, we didn’t but allow me to elaborate.
As we do we got chatting to the locals and used our Britishy ways to sound suave and sophisticated or something like that. I got chatting to Lydia a freelance photographer who gave me some food for thought and then we received a call from Sam and Kristen. If you remember these were the girls we met at Coachella and were in San Fran for the night so came for drinks which was really cool.
I sat chatting to them for ages and had a really good time and got very merry. Gem went on a mission to find a lady - the only way to describe her is like she was the ball in a pinball machine bouncing off everything till she got her “bonus points.” This wasn’t to no avail though as after what can only be described as a “slight slip up” aka getting off with ugly-as-fuck, NON-Twilight bird looking woman, (wishful thinking there dude) she met Ky who I now call Bird (not that I keep forgetting her name or anything!)
Bird will be spoken more about in next week’s blog, readers.

I ended the night with Kristen and Sam (aka Baby Biscuit as her last name is Rusk). On the way back to the car I managed to find loads of discarded shit left on the pavement. I happily took some computer speakers for some “getting ready listening to music” action later.



Right that’s your lot - this is week six, I am writing it in week ten. Will I ever catch up?!

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Comments

[Jules]

Eh?
What the fucks a jonesing?????