Wild things dancing through the flames

---

Petit papillon – Jean Leloup

"Tu sème le bonheur à chaque pas que tu fais, mais à ton réveil la vie reprend son train"

- coeur de pirate

We do not have a lot of forest fires where I come from. Never have I seen as much smoke as I have seen surrounding Belgrade in the last few days. It comes and goes on a random schedule almost impossible to see in advance. They say it is one of the worst years; it comes from all around; from California to Alberta. Amazed as I was by the Bridgers that frame the east of the area, I was even more surprised to not see them in the first smoky morning. You can’t see a mile ahead, or almost. I didn’t think much of it after explanations, what could I do except work? But in the end of the day, your throat itches like a smoker’s. I tried going on a small bike ride out of frustration over my inactivity and came back choking like Cancer Man.

Here I am in beautiful Montana dreaming of the summits I see in the horizon but spending my evening on my cellphone or reading beside the river. It gets me kind of mad, but it also reveals something that as been in the back of my mind for a few weeks.
Don’t ask me, I haven’t cornered it yet; it’s just a weird feeling.
It’s just like dreams. Those things amaze me. You never quite get it; why the main goal of the adventure was to catch the kid, why your brother had only one eye, but it all makes so much sense while you are in the events. Sometimes it gets scary, sometimes it wakes you crying like a baby. But it all comes from your mind.
Somehow the big computer upstairs that gets you to walk one foot after the other and to understand common language decided that it made sense to have you feel the fall and then ending up at a rock show. From all the things you have felt during the day, the emotions, the reaction you had, your brain puts it all together and tries to send you a message. It’s all gibberish and you won’t probably remember the whole thing, but your brain meant for you to know it.
That’s what I have been feeling.
It’s not the blues, I miss people but I speak to them whenever I want. I really love the Montana vibe; it’s kind of a laid back assurance that you belong here and can live in peace in the Balance.
I am not eating and moving at my best, but I still feel healthy.

Every time I stop working, I just feel something trying to surface in my mind. But then, instead of trying to look at it and put some words on it, I avoid it and find some distraction.

I am currently trying to discipline myself and get some answers. That implies meditation and quiet unmoving time.

I have some excuses now: my road bike does not like the gravel roads that compose most of the road system around here, the smoke makes physical outdoor activities kind of dumb to even try and I do not have a car to get me in the smokeless areas.
But even then, sitting on your bum counting your reasons won’t take you very far. You have to work inside your head. Not just stopping running away, but looking back and understand what you are avoiding and how to stop the fight.
Can you see what dwells in the wildfire?
Being a vegetarian or an outdoor freak does not get even close to being self-aware, in terms of avoiding a malfunction. What is happening in my head? Why am I letting myself go like that? If you sleep too much or wake up in the middle of the night for nothing, it tells me something is going on in there.
Sitting down and taking a few deep breaths. Shutting off my phone and following the train of my thoughts. Where is it taking me? Am I longing for something? Do my parent’s faces or my sister’s voice; the embrace of a dear friend or the sight of my beloved city haunt the back of my head? The process is hard for me; I am not really good at stopping and focussing for a long while. That’s why I prefer yoga; feels like when I am trying to get my body to one point, my mind gets less attention and can go in a straighter line.
There is always a way to burn your energy, burn all your fuel and leave the engine cool down after the tiring effort. To maintain your machine. Because that’s what it’s all about; keeping yourself alert and healthy. Eating right, exercising everyday and being aware of your mental state are the simplest ways to butt kicking and fully living. And it is important to know your machine, care for it, because it is your only true possession, without it, good luck trying to enjoy anything

And feeling anger toward yourself is never a good thing to feel. You should always care for your hurts, react to your issues. You are your first confident, the best doctor you’ll ever have. I am not trying to set my wildness in a cage, but to understand its impulses and follow the smoke hoping to see the signal fires.
I won’t make any analogy with a burn down land, but I know life regrows on there; I won’t panic. Emotions and feeling can make you feel like someone else, get you to act out of your way. The way you learn from it and react to the whole thing is what is going to save the day; keep your senses alert when your brain makes you act in a way, any way. There is a cause and reasons why you feel sad, stupid or proud.
So during this time out where I can not enjoy the world as I’d want to, I am aiming my Self in a long due introspection. I deserve the best love and care I can offer. Have you ever noticed how people that are comfortable with themselves make the most amazing friends? They always amaze me and I find myself trying to mimic their inner peace.
You cannot force or duplicate balance, you must build it and maintain it.
So if you are looking for me, follow the gravel roads under the thick fire smoke; I am trying to accept the biggest responsibility I have ever set upon myself: my heart and soul.

Guess who – BB King

---