Amazing Race?

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Sooo of course things in life don't always go as planned. I freaking get it. But my family, safe to say more than some others of my acquaintance, seem inherently incapable of following a plan. It was full steam ahead for S. Korea no matter what. However, certain people nearest and dearest to me refused to support my decision. That's when I get the phone call...

Nana has decided that she'd like to foot the bill for a round trip S. Korea ticket for my Mom. Seems that since the family finally realizes I'm serious about making this life decision (12 days before I go half way around the world) then they better send someone along to make sure I'm okay. I don't mind having the support, not in the least. However when one has limited funds, one's parents have limited funds, and now hundres of dollars for expedited passport shipping must appear. things can get somewhat tricky.

I have complete confidence this will work out. It's what I'm supposed to be doing. The people who I thought would always be there for me aren't, but their slowly coming around. I don't know much, but I do know that from this whole experience, realizing that when you really stir things up in the lives of people who have a set plan, you're looked at as this evil thing who would betray the family and hurt them. That's ridiculous. Me making a life for myself has somehow formed the impression to people in my family that I'm crazy for making this decision and wrong, and ungrateful because I'm disregarding advice they have given me.

I have to spend tomorrow going to Chicago with my Papa to get my visa stamped on my passport. He has been the one who for my whole life has been my biggest fan and there for all my ups and downs. Well it's like going from day to night about this issue of me taking a job. I get what everybody else says when they say, why is he making such a big deal out of this, but it's been a good learning experience. Suffice it to say that I've had the wool pulled over my eyes for many years because I've always been Papa's little girl and done exactly what he told me. All the stupid tears he's contributed to in the past weeks are doing the exact opposite of his goal (which is making me stay) it's actually pushing me farther away and it's such a sad thing that he's not the same person because he can't let me go and is torturing everyone in our family over being a control freak. I keep telling myself that he loves me and only wants the best for me, but it gets harder to think that. especially as his threats and insults get more intense. I've never been treated like this in my entire life and I hope to get out of the environment as soon as possible.

To other people who have been on the short end of Papa's temper I'm really sorry. I never knew what you were saying when you'd talk about him being mean or not loving you, but somehow you got over it and realized him for the sad broken creature he can be. There are still times when his sense of humor makes the dinner table laugh. I really hope that by me leaving he'll realize he can't treat people he loves this way or they won't stick around. I can't. It's not in me.

Let me give an example of what happened here so I can clear my head. I called him earlier this evening because he has my passport in his safety deposit box and has been threatening not to give it to me. That's ridiculous of course because it's a government document, it's mine and I don't even want to think about what I'd have to pull to get it back. But I called him and just wanted to be sure I'd have it in my possession before we left Michigan. He said don't worry about it I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. He's acting like a 2 year old who just won't give up a toy that's not his because he can't have his way. But this is obviously bigger than that and it has me sort of panicked. So after yelling and ranting and raving he called back about 10 minutes ago and said "I just wanted to call and tell you everything is going to be okay....and I hope you can get some sleep tonight," Then I said "Okay thanks..." not really understanding why he had called for real. Then I asked, "Is everything okay for tomorrow? My passport, etc...." That's when he went off again "You know it wasn't even worth calling. I'm hanging up now, sorry I called, you just keep being your cold, distant, selfish self and I'll see you tomorrow." What does that even MEAN!?! I'm appealing to my mind to clear this up. I can't figure it out because I feel it's nonsensical. But then again those ties of not wanting to hurt my Papa and wanting his respect and support don't go away easily. I want him to approve but not as badly as I want to take this opportunity in S. Korea. And there's the crux of the matter. He tells me I'm being selfish and hurting him by wanting to go. Every other single person of my knowing at least has said, well even if I'll miss you if that's what makes you happy....

So why is my Grandpa a bipolar toddler? Seriously!?!

I don't even know what I'm going to do if I don't get that passport. After all this time and money....do I have to pull out the drastic times call for drastic measures cliche?

Tomorrow we head for Chicago. I hope we can get there and back soon enough so we don't have to stay the night. Dear Lord.

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