Key West & Fort Lauderdale: From Paradise to Hell back to Paradise, Confrontational Melanie and a deep realization!

---

How can a trip that started out so great end so crazy? I refuse to use the word BAD because Mel and I do seem to find the humor in most stuff and work through any rough patches. See, Mel & I are actually a lot alike in the sense that we are both sensitive, worry excessively and fight like Italian cocks (listen, I can't stop saying that word - blame Key West). However, I beat Mel because I also have an anxiety disorder added to the mix and I am a crazed Gemini. Mel is more logical and fact based and most times calming.

Where do I begin? Sunday started out with me feeling (que the soap opera dramatic music) - SICK!!! 😞 For the love of grilled chicken and Cuban fly pie. I couldn't believe it. The friggin day I had to fly home...argh...of course I had to feel this way. Not to mention the fact that Mel's throat was still hurting and actually making it hard for her to breathe. All that aside we decided that we would make the most of our last morning in Key West and hit the road early so we would make our 8:30pm flight from Fort Lauderdale.

The exact moment things started going wrong on this trip was when I stepped in the shower. I had my clothes all laid out in the small, litter box called a bathroom (Radisson really needs to update their room from trashy whore like to at least a respectful call girl) and had a smile on my face. At one point I thought there was a swarm of blue birds chirping happy little tunes swarming around me. Life was still good. I stepped into the shower and within 10 seconds I noticed the water wasn't draining. Hmm, I toggle the thingy that waits to be toggled (what the heck is that called)? and (gulp) nothing happened. I had a grossed out moment but figured I could do this. I already slept on Radisson's shady sheets so what the heck. Those that know me well know I NEVER shower/get ready in the morning "quickly" - the inner gay boy in me (or O.C.D.) causes me to take an un-humanly amount of time. To say I rushed in the shower is an understatement. I 1/2 shaved things, almost slipped twice and the worse thing of all was I had an allergic reaction to the chlorine in the water (or soap). I was sneezing, snotting, coughing, shaving, soaping, rinsing and paddling in the river that almost started to overflow. Whatever the chemical was in the water it started to burn my throat. I felt like I was being attacked by the shower! Just as the last drop was about to hit and form another "key" in the bathroom I got out. Not only did my tummy hurt but now my throat burned, my eyes burned, my left thumb burned and I am pretty sure my ass burned!?!?! Not to mention the fact that it was now 412 degrees in the litter box! Walking the two steps in the misty fog seemed like an eternity. I flung open the door and told Mel to stay away (like I had some bad horror movie disease). Mel barely budged and I think she softly said, "Oh Des." I dressed myself, shaved the other leg and eventually stopped sneezing, however I am still snotting. Mel, at this point, was still hanging in there. She was reading some feminist, sex trafficking, Afghanistan abused, law based text about something or another. God bless her brain! All I wanted was to check out of the Raddison or shall I say (cheesy moment) RaddisOFF. A'ha. I told the nice, young, German boy behind the counter that the water didn't drain in our tub. His droopy eyes, matched his droopy expression as he gave me a droopy response of, "Okay." Errr.....

We decided to try some place new for breakfast, a restaurant called Sarabeth's. It had a huge pride flag hanging out front and the menu sounded delicious and if truth be told, a bit gay (speaking of which how funny would it be if there was a donut shop called Dyke'N'Donuts in Key West)? We waited outside and realized we were amongst "family." There were a couple of middle-aged sporty/professional lesbians and two VERY queeny middle-aged gay men. The sporty/professional lesbians, all decked out in their $150 running sneakers and $200 sunglasses, were subdued and looked hungry and antsy...like they were looking for an affair. The gay men were just - bitchy. I mean that in the nicest sense. Some poor, what I am assuming to be, straight woman, was standing at the corner decked out in white capri pants, white tank top, pink crocs and a lime green hand bag. They said something like, "Hmm, no one told me your highness was in town!" -- These kind of gay men are usually jealous of the woman they bitch about. All I know is that their necks were too red and they looked like a couple that had been together a long time and morphed - mustaches, size 38 waist and all. I sometimes wonder what people think of Mel and I. I am about 3 inches shorter than her 5'9/5'10 height, and definitely a tomboy. Not a dyke. Not a butch. A soft-tomboy. A "futch" (feminine butch). Mel is just --- gorgeous. She looks like a model. She has flawless skin, longish/brown/wavy hair, big green eyes and a beautiful smile. Not to mention her hot bod and sense of style. I think we balance each other out. We are a nice mix together, but who knows what people say. I am pretty sure I take the brunt of the abuse though.

Finally seated, we both ordered pancakes. They were fluffy and had a vanilla twinge (I just like that word...twinge). Although they weren't the best I ever had they certainly were good! The multi-grain toast was also very yummy. I would go back there and recommend it to people...only gays, of course! 😉

Reluctantly we bid farewell to Key West and hit the road for our scenic drive back to Fort Lauderdale. Truth be told, the color of the water wasn't as vivid as I remember. I am 99% sure this has something to do with the tides. When it is low tide the colors are more electric. During high tide the colors are more reminiscent of the Atlantic Ocean. There were spots here and there that had Caribbean blue color but for the most part this was the least colorful I had ever seen Key West. Maybe it also has something to do with the time of year, sunlight positioning, weather and my bra size. I am not sure.

On the ride back Mel and I had an argument. I am talking white-trash, rolling in the mud, tobacco chewing, curse curdling, below the belt biting bitchy fighting. I honestly don't remember what started it. All I know is by the time I hit Islamorada I had myself living in Florida as a fisherman. Not fisherwoman - man. Luckily Mel & I saw how crazy this all was and after a quick emptying of my bladder we discussed everything, "made up" and moved on. Did I mention I woke up sick this morning too?? Things were not moving in the right direction! I had two immodiums in me and I was very dry-mouthed. That is all I am saying.

Our flight left at 8:30pm and we had to drop off our car, check-in, go through security and rush to gate C-4 and it was already 7pm! It took forever at Alamo and when we finally made it to the security check-in process Mel & I developed a bad case of the giggles. It had to seem like we had smoked 2 acres of grass! Mel, always nervous at the security check-point, was EXTRA nervous this day. We also had an EXTRA bag with us - her purse - and we had absolutely NO "real" ROOM to fit it anywhere and this, of course, was not acceptable to Melanie Shapiro! She chirped out, "honey help me" like fifty times -- LOUDLY. What she didn't know was her nerves were making me laugh harder than Britney Spears' Dr.! Laughing hysterically = Desiree feeling like she is going to puke. I had tears coming out of my eyes, my face was red and Mel was still shoving all her important crap (i.e., ripped papers, shreddings, pens that don't work, receipts from 2006 , etc.), into my computer laptop bag. She then squeezed her purse into the back pocket of my shorts, oops, I mean my gray carry on bag. She scared 1/2 the people in line with her small-town girl, pearl wearing, frantic manner. Even a Muslim man looked concerned!!!

We finally made it to the check point - yaaay! Mel was home free but as I proceeded through I heard some black woman say, while chewing gum, "BAG CHECK!" - WHAT??????????????? My dirty underwear was in that bag! Some of Mel's shreddings! All my gay-boy products that I NEED to get my lesbian self ready! I was so shamed. Luckily, or unluckily I should say, I had some old white guy barely check my bag and pull out my hairspray. He said it was too big. If that was too big what about my Shampoo? Gel? Lotions? , etc., - CRAP, I forgot to check that stuff with my other luggage!!!! I can't believe he let me through with just taking my hairspray. That is scary if you ask me!

Mel and I already had 150 million reasons not to get on this flight but the worst being Mel's throat was making it hard for her to breath and I was very nauseous. We were still going to muster up the strength to fly back home but as we were in line, ready to board, I heard one of the flight attendents announce over the loud speaker that one of the young pre-boarders had "an accident" and that they had to now clean it up. WHERE IS THE HIDDEN CAMERA I thought!?!?!?! Could this be any more of an indication NOT to get on this flight?????? I knew Mel really couldn't and I knew I shouldn't but we still got ON the plane, however, we both looked at each other and said NO FRIGGIN WAY - it stunk of puke and cleaning products sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. We could've never made it! Mel and I told the flight attendant that we had to get off, stupefied they agreed after one look at us!!! As if the remaining people waiting to board weren't freaked out by the kid's puke to begin with they had us two nut cases getting off the plane!!!! It was official we had missed our flight! 😞 I guess "missed" isn't the right word. We skipped our flight because neither of us could honestly do it at that point. We just couldn't.

Instantly I felt bad about work and sent a text to my boss. Mel starting flipping out and pushing up her glasses with fear. CRAP! Did this mean I would miss work and she would miss class????? Not good! In my mind I had myself thinking I should just quit my job and Mel would end up in Community College (not that there is anythiiiiiiiiiing wroooooong with that). I frantically plugged in my laptop and had a JohnnyJet moment (www.johnnyjet.com). I searched the internet high and low for a last minute hotel special. The best I found was the Hampton Inn & Suites Fort Lauderdale airport. It turned out to be a great choice as the hotel seemed quite new and the rooms were very stylish and soothing. The best part was in the morning, when we checked out, the lady at the front counter thought I worked for Hilton (which owns Hampton Inn) and gave me the industry rate of $29.00!! Nice!! 😊

Back at the airport bright and early (well, not really bright, but friggin early) - waiting for standby - I started to take a TRIPLE-E cup panic attack! Mel was finally feeling better but I was stressed about work and whether or not we would get in the first three rows. Listen, I know this is craaaaaaazy but its "my thing." I can't help it. I have always been a fearful flyer. Especially after 9/11. I was on the same flight that went down in Boston a week earlier (BOS-LAX) so it did something to me mentally. I also don't like to see what is going on in front of me. The closer up I am on the plane the less I know! I knew this was going to be next to impossible to get and I knew Mel had to get back to school and I had to get back to work ASAP. Mel, in her own way, started taking a panic attack as well --- about school. See, Mel is a 4.0 prelaw student. She is doing her absolute best to get into a top law school in Massachusetts after her senior year (next year). Although I knew her professors would be understanding with the situation, Mel couldn't help but freak out -- which only made me more nervous. At one point I thought she might get on the next flight and go and then I would have to fend for myself in Sunny Florida, which, in all honesty, I would have no problem staying there! I LOVE Florida! But thats another story. So things got, yet again, testy with us. I needed someone to calm me down and she needed to be reassured about school. It was bad. I am pretty sure the people around us thought we were mental or terrorists OR at least from Federal Hill in Providence, RI.

Mel did have one nice JetBlue agent say she could "confirm" us in the first row on the 3:50pm flight - THE NEXT DAY (Tuesday). By the time Mel went back to "okay" this with them that seat was gone. She now had to deal with Giovanni. Mel was crazed at this point. Her "lawyertude" started to come out BIG TIME. I saw her head shaking in the "um, no" fashion and her hands moving. She then motioned for me to go over there. Giovanni had to see that I truly existed. That this lesbian nut-case really was real. One look at me Giovanni started to type and talk faster. To make a long story short she (and I) scared the crap out of him. Mel said he was being "insensitive" and that I really did have an anxiety disorder and had the meds to prove it. Bla, bla, bla.....next thing I know we are confirmed on the 9:50pm flight out of Fort Lauderdale the next day. Fine. Back on the computer I booked us a room at the Courtyard Marriott Fort Lauderdale Beach, rented a car for a day and decided to make the most of our time there or at least try to.

One big problem had been looming.....you could smell it in the air.....the fact that we had the same clothes on since Sunday. It was now mid afternoon Monday. Our first stop was Target to get underwear, other essentials and some new clothes. Another long story short ---- nothing worked out!!! I did get a new polo but I felt like the dyke of the century. My inner gay boy was NOT happy. We couldn't find a mall or any other stores at this point soooo I gave up and was happy to at least have the new undies and polo shirt. Mel channeled her inner dyke as well and decided to stay in her sweaty, smelly clothes (with the exception of new undies) as well.

Later that evening we went out for dinner at a place called Mango's on Las Olas Blvd. We sat outside and enjoyed the PERFECT weather. It was about 74 out with a breeze. I looked around at the people sitting near us. There was a collection of retired millionaire old men, way too botoxed women, gay men with farmer tans, lots of white pants and shorts, leather sandals, floral tops and gold jewelry. It did my heart good to look straight ahead at Mel who, even in her crusty clothes, looked hot! The drive down Las Olas Blvd was pretty cool. You drive past these gorgeous mansions with, get this, yachts parked out front. Forget the driveway, I need to park my yacht! Wow? It was kinda surreal and very neat to see. Fort Lauderdale has a beautiful beach, actually the whole area is blessed with great beaches and beach towns. My favorite, beside Fort Lauderdale, is Hollywood Beach and Delray Beach. Hollandale Beach and Boca Raton are also very nice. Fort Lauderdale is the # 1 gay travel destination and has the highest amount of gay guesthouses in the United States. There are lots of gay & lesbian nightclubs, shops and restaurants. The next time we are here I would like to take the water taxi all over the place and go to dinner at Mai Kai (a famous 1950's Polynesian Restaurant with a luau show -- its awesome) and Cap's Place. I would also like to actually GO to the beach (which is a blue wave award winner - meaning it is clean and gorgeous).

On Tuesday we went to The Galleria Mall, had a delicious lunch at P.F. Changs Chinese Restaurant and headed back to the airport. I had a good feeling about this flight...until I hear on the loud speaker that the 9:00pm flight had been postponed to 11:10pm!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! What the heck?? No worries! We were getting on that plane even if someone yacked on me! ;-)

By the time we boarded the plane, Mel was asleep. She was doing that "dead head" thing where you roll from side to side and drool -- she barely noticed that this was.....THE WORST FLIGHT EVER!!! The turbulence was insane! We shook, turned and dipped for 2 hours 40 minutes! At one point I think we rolled back to Key West. I was sweating and trying to stay calm but when you hear the pilot come on the plane, in a frantic tone, telling the flight attendants to take their seats, and you are ME, you start to panic! What a nightmare! There was this big guy sitting next to me that I thought for sure would land on me. I don't know how but we finally landed. I had to pinch myself because I was pretty sure that couldn't be possible, but it was. We were back in Boston! Beantown - how appropriate! Yaay!

After going to baggage claim to pick up our luggage we took the shuttle bus to our car that was parked in Maine! It was 18 degrees out and we were freezing. When we finally got reached the jeep, I had an Olympic moment. Success! Then I turned the key and nothing. Not a peep, a squeak, cough --- nothing. It was dead! 😞 *!^!^!&#^!&#^@&#^@^%#@^%#@^%@^*!*!*!*!*!*#%^@#^%@#$ -- every swear word known to man ran though my mind at this point. I felt like throwing in the towel and ending it all there! I had to pee like you couldn't imagine and I just felt crazed. Not to mention -- OUR CELL PHONES DIED! LOL! Luckily there was a nice, nice lady at the ticket booth. She let Mel use her phone to call triple A, however, it was the airport's policy that "their people" first try to fix our problem. Would this night (or my life)EVER end??? It was now after 3:00am!!!! What a waste of time!!! They came, jumped the car, got the battery to work, told us to wait 15 min before driving (which we did) and that is should be okay. I knew it wouldn't because the "check gauges" light was on. After 15 minutes we started to drive and the car died before we left the parking lot. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! So now we had to call triple A, again and wait for the airport security to come again. The airport guy was so annoying as he insisted it was the battery and to just sit and wait. I told him - NO - and that we wanted to call triple A at this point. We finally were able to. The nice lady said we could wait in the booth next to hers which was heated. Thank the heavens!!!! Only problem was -- I still had to pee. Not just "pee" I mean piss like a mother "f**cker"! She said she could call security to drive us to a bathroom or we could use the porter john next to the booth. I had to go SO bad I opted to check out the porter john. Wow. Wow. I don't think I will ever get over that. It was like 25 men lost their bowel movements in there and ALL missed the bowl. I will leave it at that. I closed my eyes, still standing and some how peed. I didn't care! I had tissues with me and afterwards - I felt like a million, err, $5.00! It was so worth it! Poor Mel, however, still had to go and she would NEVER take her Pearl wearing self in that porter john (thank God - she would've been traumatized). The security people came and escorted her to the loo. A few minutes later triple A showed up. The young guy seemed nice enough and said he would take us home. Mel got back a few minutes later and we jumped in the truck. FINALLY, I thought, we will be home in an hour! THANK GOD! It's over! But it wasn't....nope. The crazy guy driving the truck, for some sick reason, kept his WINDOW OPEN the entire ride home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was 18 out and with the wind blowing it felt -8 degrees! It was blowing on our necks and for some reason I felt it on my ass!? I asked him to put the heat higher and he moved the setting to 3 (it had 5). Still shivering and nauseous Mel asked him to please put up his window. He did, about 75% and then angrily shut the heat. He hadn't spoken one word to us. It was SO freaky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like I was in some bad horror movie (again).

Finally at home I fainted in bed, as did Mel, and then decided I would pretty much email work and resign because I couldn't imagine doing this to them anymore. I hate, hate, hate, hate calling in sick to work. It is an awful feeling and not something I am use to. I don't like letting people down so this sucked. I always think people assume the worse and are judging me. It sucks but that is how I feel. I then get into panic mode and want to run from the situation. Reluctantly, and with tears in my eyes, I wrote my letter to my amazing, godsend of a boss, Dawn. Not 1% of me wanted to but I felt I had to. Mel, by the way, was Out & About at school. Bless her energy! Another long story short, Dawn got back to me right away. I felt the sincerity in her email and it made me cry even more and realize that I don't want to lose my job. Not for just money issues but because I would miss these girls too much, especially Dawn! I have so much respect and admiration for her. Not only is she the most hilarious person - ever - she is so smart, down to earth and just a pleasure to be around. That may sound hokey but it I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She pretty much understood that I was insane and probably took a slight breakdown. With all the bravery in me I went into the office on Friday and everything felt great. I even discussed with Dawn a new schedule I think will work best for everyone all around.

Mel too was fine with her classes and professors. I mean, for the most part. There were some glitches but they seem to be working out and her teaches seem to know the kind of student she is.

Lesson learned?

Paradise comes with a cost. The beginning of our trip was smooth, fun and relaxing. The end of our trip was pure hell. Situations like this push a person to their limit and test them. Mel and I had some ups and downs but ultimately worked things out because we love each other more than anything. We are learning together. I freaked out about my job and Mel freaked out about school and in the long run - it was a waste of energy. I learned that some things, like a good job and doing well in class are invaluable. It is the kind-hearted boss and understanding teacher that make each day, every ordinary day paradise in some sense. This experience made me realize just how lucky I am to work with the people I work with and in the environment I work in. My boss...my friend...Dawn, didn't give up on me. She really read into my email and "got me" and with that - she relaxed me. I value her like I do travel. And even though I may not be able to make it to Key West every day....in some way, when I walk in that office and know I am working for Dawn Harbeck, in some way, I am walking into Paradise.

Until next time...

Happy Travels!

-Des

---