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Published: November 29th 2021
I’m off to the USA for a couple of weeks with daughter no 1. It’s been a while. Since the beginning of the pandemic some 20 months ago, I’ve hardly even left the county let alone the country. But as we are finally allowed to travel to America and I haven’t seen daughter no 2 since she left to work in California 3 months ago, we’ve decided it’s time for a visit.
We have managed to get a cheap deal. The bad news is this means transiting Frankfurt, making a long day that much longer. We get up at 3 am and drive to the airport. The rules of travel are complicated – we have to adhere to those set out by the Germans, the Americans and Lufthansa. We join the check in queue armed with our vaccine certificates, PCR test results, passenger attestation forms, and FFP2 compliant face masks. I assume others who have made it thus far will be similarly prepped, but apparently not.
The man in front of us is on day 2. Yesterday he turned up with an antigen test instead of a PCR and got turned away. We try to check in. Our documents
are in order but we have a suitcase we haven’t paid for as the Lufthansa booking system wasn’t working when we tried to do so online.. It’s not working at the airport either. We have to go to the ticket desk where a Nigerian lady is trying to argue her way past not having a PCR test. The clerk has to phone someone elsewhere with access to a working computer to take our money. She promises a receipt within 5 working days.
We pass through security to the gate. The flight is heaving and pretty much everyone is transiting through Frankfurt. 90% of the flight is Nigerian. We have our breakfast (I’ve packed banana bread) and it’s time to board.
After having our passports checked by a human, we need to scan our boarding passes at electronic gates. These either turn green and let you pass or buzz loudly with a red X - a bit like on Britain’s Got Talent if Simon Cowell decides your act is shit. The woman in front of us gets a red X and has to present herself to humans. She is flying to Canada and her PCR test was taken more
than 72 hours before the departure of her Canadian flight. She is denied boarding and takes the news very, very badly. There is a lot of shouting and swearing and jostling as she tries to physically force her way past the check in staff. We present our boarding passes to the machine and get the dreaded red X. We have no choice other than go and stand behind the jostling. Eventually the appears to give up and head towards the terminal.
The system has identified we have a bag but no receipt. Luckily, the ticket desk clerk has sent us an email confirming they have taken our money and we are able to board. The flight to Frankfurt is uneventful and we land 5 minutes ahead of schedule. The captain is very proud of this feat. Unfortunately, he then has to make a subsequent announcement that we have taken ground staff by surprise and they will take 5 minutes to arrive.
It’s 9.05 and our flight to San Francisco departs at 10.05. We are parked in zone C and our next flight is from zone Z. This already feels tight, but when the ground staff finally arrive, it’s
not to connect the air bridge, but with steps and a bus which drives us to zone A. By the time we enter the terminal, it’s 40 minutes to our flight and the screen shows that it’s already boarding. The good news – the airport is circular so zone Z is next to zone A. The bad news – to enter zone Z, you must pass another Covid document check. The queue is enormous. We can’t even see the end. There’s no way we can join it and make our flight. We join the much shorter business class queue and are hugely relieved that they agree to deal with us.
We pass and make our way to our gate and join our next queue of boarding passengers. By the time we reach the plane, our departure time has come and gone. We finally make it on board and settle into our seats. We are joined by a South African man who has already flown 12 hours from Cape Town and no longer knows what day it is. Our neighbour discovers that the sick bag in his seat back is in fact full of sick. He asks if it’s ours?
He sounds hopeful. It’s not, so a flight attendant gloves up and removes the offending article. It’s not very reassuring when travelling during a pandemic, that the plane is so dirty it contains historical vomit. He is offered a keyring, chocolate bar and toothbrush by way of an apology.
Finally, an hour behind schedule, everyone is on board and we can depart. The in flight entertainment isn’t great. Like the vomit, most of the films on offer were produced some time ago, and the first 2 hours consist of idly scrolling through the film index, while the cabin crew patrol the aisles checking no one removes their mask or exposes their nose. I suspect that on a Lufthansa flight, you’d be more likely to get away with exposing your penis than your nose. John Barrowman isn’t on board so we’ll never know!
Eventually, food is served. It’s 9 hours since we left home and I’m starving. There is no meal choice, everyone gets vegetable lasagne. Our neighbour is particularly disappointed - it’s his 2nd 12 hour flight and his 2nd lasagne and it’s not great lasagne. I ask if it’s nut free. I get a rather abrupt ‘of course - it’s vegetable lasagne’. She neglects to point out that it’s accompanied by a piece of chocolate and nut cake, with no ingredients and all the nuts have sunk to to bottom so aren’t immediately visible. Luckily I notice and don’t die before we’ve even left Europe.
The flight goes on and on and on. Most people give up on the entertainment, close their windows and go to sleep. But we are flying over Greenland. We’re 6 miles up but there isn’t a cloud in sight and the sunrise over the glaciers and snow capped mountains is spectacular.
Then we reach Canada and it clouds over so I watch Rocketman until lunch is served. It’s a vegetable wrap. I ask if it’s nut free and get a rather abrupt ‘of course, it’s a vegetable wrap’. Again, she doesn’t mention that it comes with a chocolate hazelnut bar. My German is rusty and the ingredient list on the vegetable sandwich have been written by a Borrower, but half way down, I spot the teeny tiny word ‘Mandel’. I call the air hostess back to confirm that I have remembered correctly and that my vegetable wrap does in fact contain almonds. She takes it off me with no apology, despite the fact she has almost killed me twice in 8 hours. I am offered a Hindu meal. There’s no ingredient list but it’s obviously just a piece of bread and butter with cucumber. I start eating. Something is not right. It’s not very pandemic friendly but I have no choice but to spit my food back onto my tray. I open the bread. The cucumber is so rotten it’s turned to grey slime. It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. It’s no wonder the plane is full of used sick bags.
Finally we make it to San Francisco. It’s been a long day - we’re now 18 hours into our journey - we’re tired and I’m hungry as half of lunch and all of dinner was inedible. Time to join our next queue to get through US customs. By American standards not too bad – 1 hour 40 minutes. Just the hire car to pick up now, then the 25 mile drive to Palo Alto.
We finally arrive at daughter no 2’s apartment after 21 hours (20 of which required wearing a mask). She has planned fun activities planned for the afternoon. There’s not that much afternoon left and we’re so tired we’re not that much fun. But we manage a dip in the jacuzzi, complete with cocktails, before finally crashing.
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