Thoughts

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I have been thinking a lot about how I feel to no longer be in school. I have been having a huge inner debate about whether I made the right decision in not going to grad school. There seemed to be a lot of unspoken expectations that the correct path after college (maybe not the correct path, but the only valuable path) was to continue in school.
It has been so strange to be out on my own without any sort of limits or boundaries. I have a job, but it’s a job where I set the parameters, where I decide what I need to do, where I have no one to report too, no one giving me work. It’s a job where I am the director, president and staff.
It seems I have jumped face first into almost the opposite of what school was. I live on my own, no where close to friends, I have no boundaries, nothing to turn in, no professor or boss to be accountable to, I am not getting a grade, I’m not even getting a pay check. It is just such a different world.
But ultimately, I think I made the correct decision.
I admit that when I read and hear about what other people are doing, I feel a twinge of jealously. I can’t help it. Most of what other people are doing holds credibility in the eyes of the general population.
Columbia, Harvard, MIT, New York Times
Law School, PhD Programs, Internships
Those schools, those programs, inspire recognition when mentioned.
I get tired of trying to explain what, exactly, it is I do in Mexico. I don’t ever feel comfortable telling the story to people, even people that I know. So when someone is able to fit their entire next chapter of their life into a tidy phrase like “MIT PhD Student”, it makes me long for a phrase that fits me. A part of me wishes for something recognizable and cohesive.
I really don’t like discussing what it is that I have done in Mexico. I feel so presumptuous. How much I’ve done or how prestigious it is doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that it’s done and I have been fortunate enough to have been involved and help change a small part of the world.
I don’t like trading “Hey, I’m so wonderful, I’ve done all this to save the world” accounts in an effort to pontificate and add points and prestigious words to my “next phase of life” phrase.
I get so annoyed when other people wear their “phrases” as badges of honor. I am probably going to offend many people with this next point of view, but I have to admit that I think “PhD Program, Internship, World Peace, Bono Will Save the World” phrases actually aren’t helping anyone.
Too many people confuse a prestigious program and travel to “poor” countries with actual differences made in the world.
Too many people are too impressed with themselves and where they are in the world.

Example: You believe in world peace and attend a prestigious conference on the topic where you discuss plans for peace in Africa with other upper middle class white people.
This is NOT making difference.

Example: You attend, religiously, every Model UN meeting at college. You attend every annual Model UN conference (last year you got to represent an AWESOME country!). You are majoring in Political Science. You traveled every spring break to a “poor country” to help save orphans (it wasn’t one of the awesome countries to be at the UN conference, but you got plenty of photos of you and small, darker skinned children).
This is NOT making a difference.

Example: Your motto is “I will save the world”
This is NOT making a difference. The poor of the world do not need saving.

If this is how you go about making a difference in the world, I am not impressed.

So I guess, even though I wish I could come up with a phrase for my work in Mexico, I would rather spend my entire life without anyone knowing what it is I’m doing then become someone who is more impressed with themselves and has the false idea that they are actually saving the world, when all they are doing is the development equivalent of primping in front of the mirror.

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