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I Have No Photos From This Day
So I'm putting up random photos...like HKW drinking JackI was grappling with nervousness.
I had a date set with HKW on Tuesday. I was going to kokuhaku,
It was Monday.
Ok, I had to prepare…but prepare what?
I usually just wing it on dates as I’m pretty confident in my social skills…and I’m a guy so I spend all of ten seconds picking out an outfit. I had nothing to prepare. The kokuhaku? I don’t have much experience but I feel preparing for something which requires you to spit out all your honest feelings shouldn’t be practiced.
Being a man of action, I hate sitting around being useless.
I tried to think of something to do.
Work out? No, I feel like some ridiculous freak of nature in the gym as I can’t bench press 5 pounds yet I can pull off 500 consecutive sit-ups and I can’t curl my pencil yet I can knock motherfuckers out. Everyone either inwardly laughs at the skinny guy attempting to bench his weight, or they’re taken aback by the skinny guy destroying the punching bag and speed ball.
Write? No. I was doing nothing, hence there was nothing to write about.
Party? No,
Random Photo 2
HKW and D-German inebriated. it was a Monday.
Batting cages? No. Not because I don’t want to, but because I had just finished said activity.
Just as I was about to do something intensely boring like “studying” or “going to the library” or “failing at life”…I got a call.
Great, someone has a good idea…
“Yo.”
“It’s HKW…do you want to go with me to some function thing?”
I shot up from my seat and screamed a little to loudly, “YES!”
Apparently I was going to the Golden Key Inauguration. Apparently, the Golden Key is some honor society and since HKW is an Asian trying to get into Med School, she’s in it. But since she hates the Med School crowd (one more reason to love her), she didn’t know anyone there.
So she asked me to join her to attend this function.
This could mean one of two things. One, she’s throwing me signals. Or, two (and the more likely case) I’m “that guy”. “That guy” you need in a pinch to be a date…like at a friend’s wedding…or when you’re depressed…or when you’re about to attend some honor society inauguration.
Random Photo 3
The overabundance of mustard in our fridge...mustard sandwiches? I would’ve said no under any other circumstances but I had literally nothing to do. So I accepted, but made sure to show up a little late to see how she would respond.
She was ecstatic to see me (+1 point!), but after sitting down I could see why. There was some dull looking white guy giving some speech about giving back to the community and whatnot and a bunch of nerdy ass white and Asian kids in suits sitting ramrod straight in their chairs…and I kid you not, a few of them were taking notes…
HKW was dressed in some elegant getup and as I looked down at myself…I realized how undressed I was.
I had the good fortune to throw on a collared shirt (and not wear a fitted)…but my lower body was garbed in corduroys, Nike kicks and a red, white and blue belt. I stood out like the foreign douchebag who stands around snapping pictures while the rest of Mecca kneels and prays.
I didn’t help either that me and HKW were providing a running commentary on the on-stage dullness…which prompted the people with some humor to crack up and the people
with no humor to give us dirty looks.
I guess all this unique behavior prompted intrigue as tons of randoms came over to talk in the reception. Whether they gravitated towards me due to my absurd garb, my hilarious personality, the growing crowd forming around me or my stunning good looks, I had a shitload of people come and talk to me.
Even though I love being the center of attention…I was getting tired of it. In this crowd of nerdy, med school wannabes, the name of the game was “I’m smarter than you, and let me show it off”. Randoms would come up and introduce themselves in the following way: “I’m so and so, president of so-and-so organization, majoring in bio-chem with a 3.8 GPA, and last summer I volunteered in so-and-so third world country giving medicine to starving, impoverished children while I blogged about it from an air-conditioned tent on my $2,000 MacBook while listening to Coldplay on my iPod.”
The first few times I found it amusing, but gradually I started getting annoyed. I’m not fucking interviewing you! Stop showing off to me! I don’t get impressed! Just let me talk naturally to you,
Golden Key Honour Society
A society that brings together the worst kinds of people! dumb fucks, and then maybe I can be friends with you!
So I started messing with them.
“Hi, my name is Gen. I’m a 3.9 English Literature, Mechanical engineering, Education and Quantum Physics quadruple major. I’m on the varsity baseball team and I’m the Japanese featherweight champion. Last summer I volunteered in Somalia…by recruiting child soldiers. I thought them how to spray nines and taught them the gangster lifestyle. What’s your name?”
For some reason, everyone I gave this shtick to believed it. They quickly backed away and eyed me from a distance as a threat to their med school dreams. Retards.
HKW loved it and was trying not to burst into laughter beside me.
Pretty soon everyone around knew me as “the guy”. To add more hilarity to this shit, one person came up to me:
“I work for the Princeton Review and after hearing about your academic achievements from some of the people here, I would like to consider you as a teacher for our school.”
Wow. How retarded are people?
“No thanks, got some Somalian child soldiers to train. If you need to contact me, drop by the battlefield.”
The McGill Library
Housing irritating students since 1821
I walked HKW to the library, thought about the kokuhaku but realized in the steady stream of nerds exiting and entering this anti-social establishment, it would not have an optimal chance of success.
And who cares? I’ve got a date with her tomorrow.
I love playing with a stacked deck.
So I said my goodbyes (punctuated with a short hug) and then went back home.
It was still 9pm. And once again I had nothing to do.
I fucking hate my life.
Wait! I’m recharged now!
I hit the batting cages again.
I fucking hate my life.
I went to sleep.
The date the next day was pleasant.
I had failed at bringing her to a Japanese restaurant called Osaka on my first date (that actually worked in my favor), so we naturally decided to go there. Plus, she loves Japanese food.
The date went smoothly because I had no pressure during it. I was going to bust the kokuhaku afterwards, but there was nothing I could do about it during the meal.
We ate, told jokes, laughed merrily and just genuinely
The Kokuhaku Map
Some direction to those not familiar with Montreal enjoyed our company. After prolonging it as much as possible, I finally paid the check, we stood up and started walking back.
Now came the real game.
Because I didn’t prepare a single bit, I was assessing the situation realtime. Where was the optimal place to bust the kokuhaku?
The walk from Osaka to the final destination (the library, of course) had about 3 viable locations.
The first was the corner of Aylmer and Sherbrooke, as I lived on Aylmer street and we were walking on Sherbrooke.
But I quickly discounted it. Not only was it on a major thoroughfare (Sherbrooke is one of the main streets of Montreal) and hence crowded, it would’ve seemed like a dick move to let her walk alone from that corner to the library. Totally out of the question.
The second was somewhere on campus. But it was around 7pm and a Tuesday…campus wasn’t exactly teeming with people but the chances of someone either of us knew interrupting us was a possibility (we both run big circles). Ok, not a bad option, but not the best.
The third was at the destination. But considering it was the entrance to the library, there was no way it would be romantic…and not only would it have a large flow of people, it could potentially be a shut out if she just quickly ducked in before I could talk. To top it off, the chances of someone she knows interrupting us would be large as she spends a good deal of time there.
Ok, so option two, somewhere on campus.
Where?
The route we would take would offer a few choices: (1) corner of University and Sherbrooke, (2) the main gate and (3) the crossroads (the crossroads is the middle of campus). The first I discounted because, once again, Sherbrooke is a main artery of Montreal. That left two options…and both were equally good locations. The gate was romantic because of the tall columns that make it up and the authoritative divide it presented between downtown Montreal and campus. Campus was romantic because it provided the nature (ok, nature to an urban dweller like me is grass and a few trees, so shut the fuck up) that’s not found in Montreal.
I ultimately decided on the crossroads because it was a little farther of a walk—I would get to prolong my time with her until I put myself at her mercy.
Though this might sound like a long process just to decide the location, in reality, it took probably a second, maybe two at most. And this is while maintaining a conversation with her. It’s not hard for a computer scientist like myself to logically break down a problem while running multiple processes…it’s just emotionally expressing myself that’s hard…
We were walking and talking, and honestly, I don’t remember what the fuck we were talking about. But since I have humor and social skills flowing through me like crack in poor neighborhoods, I was keeping the conversation lively and keeping her laughing while inside I was nothing close to normal.
We passed the first checkpoint (Aylmer and Sherbrooke) and inwardly I pumped my fist. The corner looked like shit, and wasn’t anywhere close to a good kokuhaku location.
I also got the double play as I mentioned something so uproariously funny that she keeled over and a guy walking by couldn’t help exhaling a laugh…I wish I could remember the line I spit, but my mind was on other things.
We hit checkpoint 2, the main gates. From here, it was probably less than 50 yards straight ahead to the final checkpoint, the crossroads. I started dragging my steps back as I tried to stave off the moment.
I’ll admit it. I was nervous.
For the first time in my fucking life, I was nervous.
I’m never nervous. And this is not some New York City macho exaggeration. I’m just not.
I remember walking into the most important test in my life, my high school entrance exam…if I passed, I got into one of the three top schools in the city and on the fast track to university…fail and I was going to be shuffled into the public high school system on my way to some community college. Yes, there was immense pressure, but I shrugged it off. I took the subway, idly stood in line with tens of thousands of nervous eighth grade kids, walked in, borrowed a pencil from the proctor and finished an hour early. I killed it.
I remember the first major fight I got into, 2nd year of elementary school. We had a fenced-in part of the playground where a swing set used to be. Some kid had been trying to bully me because of my tiny size (I was the smallest by far every year of school) so I told him to meet me there. He strutted in…I walked in…he punched me, I decked him with an uppercut and in that two second interval where he was dazed by the hit on the ground…I remember staring straight into him. He was 40 pounds heavier, 5 inches taller but he was at my feet. I stared down at him…and then stomped him in the face and broke his jaw. Nobody bullied me after that.
Even when I lose…or know I’m going to lose…I’m not nervous. The first time I sparred in boxing…I knew I was going to lose. All the fighting I had done was on the street, I had no formal training, I was small, my opponent was semi-pro and larger and faster and stronger. I walked in and got my ass handed to me.
My first midterm in university…I started studying the night before because I had assumed the material was similar to high school.
I walked in, filled in all the answers I knew, guessed the others and walked out 3 hours early. I got a 22/100. I knew I was going to fail…but I wasn’t nervous.
But here, here I was nervous. How did I know what nervous was if I never experienced it?
My palms weren’t getting clammy, nor was I breaking into a sweat, nor was my heart beating a thousand times a minute. Actually, all those things were probably happening…but I didn’t notice them.
How did I know?
Because for the first time in my life…I wanted to run away from something. I wanted to turn tail and run. Even though everything—logic, emotion, love—pointed forward, physically my body was yearning to run as fast and as far as possible in the opposite direction.
And I stopped as I reached some sort of equilibrium; my body tried to rip me backwards while my mind tried to thrust me forwards.
For the first time in my life…I was nervous…and for the first time in my life…I was becoming scared.
I was trying to convince myself forward…I was trying to force myself forward…I was trying to order myself forward…I was mentally screaming myself forward…as I looked on helplessly as HKW slowly started getting further and further away. 10 yards. 20 yards. 30.
Apparently she was still chattering away, oblivious to my absence and oblivious to the battle occurring behind her…
A loss.
Another defeat…another loss…worse than a loss…you didn’t even get to tell her. The same thing…as Chiaki. All that anguish…all that pain from that time I wasn’t able to tell her came flooding back…
And then I was able to take a step forward.
A small step.
As much as my body was trying to hurl me backwards…as much as my feet wouldn’t move…as much as it hurt to move forward…I couldn’t turn away form her. All that shit I had to deal with because I never got to tell Chiaki that one night…I wasn’t going to repeat it again.
I took another step.
And another.
And another.
And another. I slowly started gaining momentum and I was rapidly closing the 30 yards between us in a dead sprint.
5 feet away from her, I hurled myself forward, lunged with my right arm and grabbed her shoulder.
“Hold…on…”
She immediately whirled around, taking in my bent frame, gasping for breath.
She had the intelligence to remain silent, as reflections from the campus lights and question marks zipped through her eyes.
I straightened up, still gasping for air.
“There’s something…I need…to…tell you…”
She was still silent.
But her eyes asked me to continue.
“I…I…”
“HKW! What’s up?!”
We both blinked. We held our gaze for a beat longer but our eyes were quickly defocusing. We turned as a small Asian girl hurtled into our conversation.
I looked back at her, but I couldn’t catch anything as her eyes were now pointed down to her shoes.
I sighed and bowed my head.
The girl came in between us.
We straightened up collectively, averting our gazes.
The girl looked at her, then me, then back at her.
Finally, HKW broke it.
“Hey Mancy! What’s up?”
Her speech was strained. Her usually loud voice was tiny.
“Hey, HKW! Hey, who’s this?”
“Oh, this is my friend…Gen.”
I plastered a smile on my face and slowly elevated my hand, “Nice…Nice to meet you.”
“Cool! Hey HKW, you’re going to the library right? Right?”
“Yea, I guess…”
“Great, I am too!”
I painfully arched my neck skyward, exhaled, then slowly brought it back down. “I guess…I better get going. Have fun at the library guys!”
I took one last furtive glance at her. She was facing towards the field so I could only see half of her. Her slightly bowed head made her hair cover her face.
She was pulled away by her friend…”Nice meeting you, Gen!”
I didn’t watch them walk up the hill.
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Muffin Girl
non-member comment
No pics on a very special date?? It seemed like a perfect photo op!