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Published: June 19th 2012
Yesterday I had a minor breakdown. Tyler and I watched a documentary called Morning for Saturday or something like that ( apparently I have done a good job of erasing the doc from my brain already).
It was very... educational, from my perspective. I feel like the doc was a fairly accurate depiction of how backpackers feel; the stages they go through on their journey's and the changes they see within themselves. Well apparently up until yesterday I had been seeing our trip through rose coloured glasses. Of course I have been super pumped about the amazing adventures we will share yada yada. What I hadn't considered is how emotionally draining it will be.
I have always been a person of control. A person of micromanagement, schedules, timelines, lists, lists and more lists. The trip is basically me throwing my pen and paper out the window. No more lists, no more planning, no more control. (For me anyway) Yeah sure it requires a certain amount of normal people planning, but not to the extent I normally prepare/plan.
I'm not only talking day-to-day stuff, I'm talking emotional uncertainty...
How will I feel on day 26 -- Home sick? Still on cloud nine?
How about day 100?
Then there is the apparently dreaded-by-many, last day. How have I changed? Will I still be able to relate to my friends and family?
How am I, a person very close to her parents, not going to be able to drive down the road, and hug my mom and dad? No offense Ty, but your arms just aren't the same as my Mother's warm embrace.
Yesterday this all hit me like a brick wall. It isn't a fairy tale, it isn't a joke, a scam or a reality TV show. This is my life and I am about to experience thousands of things I have never even considered. Mentally, physically and emotionally...
Will I age? Will I lose part of myself? When I come home, to the same house I grew up in, will I notice the person I see in the mirror?
I mean it is only 6 months (maybe 7 or 12), but these are the semi-insane ideas that were racing through my head after watching this almost depressing recap of a 20-something dude who decided to quit his job and travel the world alone for a year.
To say the least, it was an educational documentary.
As always though, I learned something through my tears and anxiety... Tyler is the right person to do this with. I don't freak out often, I don't show my soft side often and I absolutely don't share my insecurities often but Tyler was perfectly honest and sincere with his words. He will always respect the decisions I make, and that is why I chose to travel with him and share all of this uncertainty with him. Holding hands and getting through it together.
If I come back and some of my friends don't get it, or can't relate to the new person I may or may not become, I'm okay with that. No matter what, I will have my best friend with whom I get to share every moment with.
-- Becs xoxo
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