End of the journey blues...

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I’m usually a very positive person. Most days are filled with fun activities like sports and dinner with friends, fitness activities, etc. I was having too much fun that I rolled into 30 without noticing it. Never felt the need to have a serious relationship because I was having too much fun.

Then a serious injury happened. And I had all the time in the world to sit and think. Three months of that. It’s easy to while away the time when you’re fit and travelling. Although I was in my favorite city in the world, I wasn’t doing much. I went to the community center every day to work out. I spent about six to eight hours there working out in the gym, watching people play sports, and swimming. In the last week of my stay in Vancouver, depression hit me like a bus. I couldn’t even figure out what exactly I was sad about. It was the kind of sadness that you feel in your gut. It was all I could think of all day.

I was sad about too many things. But I had a feeling that it really was just about one thing but I couldn’t figure out which one. Being alone with very limited things I'm capable of doing didn’t help either.

The day before I left Vancouver, I was water walking in the pool as part of my therapy. I usually swim 1.5 Km daily but that day I was just so sad that I didn’t want to swim because counting laps and strokes would distract me from thinking about things that made me sad and what I should do next when I get back home. Then they started playing Adele’s “When we were young”, I started crying. Good thing I was in the water so the tears looked like water on my face. People should not play Adele in public when there might be emotional people around who are going through something.

I was worried about going back to work and to Manila because my city is difficult to navigate when you have limited mobility and when your hands need to be on your crutches so you can’t use them for carrying things. This makes simple things like grocery shopping difficult. I know PWDs do them all the time so I shouldn't complain but I’m new to this.

I was missing friends and family. I checked my social media all the time! I was so lonely. I realized that at 31 I should be seriously looking for a serious relationship and settle down. But I know I’m not ready because I’m still that guy who’s afraid to commit. My future wife deserves better. I’m too old to be jumping into relationships and wasting time on one’s that I know won’t work, mostly because of me and my baggage. So I need to work on myself first.

I was sad about my immigration plans. I already submitted my application last year. It’s validity expires in May and still I haven’t received an invitation. Canada is currently prioritizing refugees. They need a safe place to live so I accept that. But even if that was not the case, it looks like my goal is just a dream. The only thing that could help me is if I find an employer who would sponsor my work visa.

I was envious of the things they have in Canada that I can never have. Living in a city where nature adventures are just a few minutes away. Clean and safe environment, and all the opportunities that kids have. Visiting the public high school made me realize how good they have it and wished I was born there. I would have tried all the sports they offered although I'm really bad at sports. I surely would have been in their dance and theater program. I envied their youth and all the possibilities ahead of them.

But I think mostly I was sad about the getting old with little accomplishment save for the adventures and memories from some of my dream destinations. I feel stuck in a mid-level career that I’m starting to realize could be as high as I can get in the corporate ladder.

It could also be a spiritual thing. My faith used to give me purpose. Until I practically abandoned it.

I don’t even feel excited about my upcoming trips anymore. Or at least not as excited as I used to be. I'm going to Singapore and Alaska in the summer. The world is starting to become commonplace. It wouldn’t be too bad if the world ended tomorrow. Because I feel like there’s not much left to accomplish.

Like I said, I don’t really know which one I’m really depressed about. Maybe this is just what happens when you have so much time in your hands to think. You realize all the areas where you’re lacking. Perhaps it’s a good thing I finally had time to sit all day and think about these things, and cry for the things I’ve missed. I’ve gained acceptance that I can only do so much but not everything is under my control. So not every dream can be accomplished.

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I just got back to Manila. My doctorsaid I still need two more months on crutches. I thought I'd be out of these before April.

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Photos

5 second jumpshot on crutches
one advantage of having crutches

Comments

[Dancing Dave]

I knew a guy once
An adventurous spirit living life to the fullest, good job, intellect, bit of a dancer, sort of guy you couldn't help liking. Then he had an accident, really freaky bad luck. Can't keep a good man down sort of guy, had an adventurous spirit. So he headed to his favourite place to recuperate. There he had too much time to reflect, too much time to think about what he was missing out on. But he got better and you should see him now. An adventurous spirit living life to the fullest, good job, intellect, even better dancer, sort of guy you can't keep down. Sound familiar? I know that guy.

[Josevich]

Thanks Dave!
For reminding me it will get better soon. Hopefully real soon :)

[Home and Away]

I suggest that you contact fellow TBer Jay Exiomo...
he should be able to provide you with some answers!