The gift and curse of want

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When I want something in particular, that means there's a lot of things that I don't want. Me moving further toward that want, pulls me further from those other things, like going to a particular color on the spectrum we can only be in one place at once. When I became stressed out today due to an issue with my car insurance I had only just learned about that's caused it to skyrocket in price I wanted to be somewhere else, I wanted to be someone else and I wanted to know why this had happened. It got to that point of stress inside me because I wondered how then it was best to deal with my future, this huge increase of price will adversely affect my plans for here in Canada and I honestly started considering going back to Australia. I was looking for an escape and the situation felt hellish, the reality of money and ruthless systematic rules that seem designed to get as much of it out of people as possible turned my mind into a flashing chaotic prism full of anger at how unfair things can be sometimes. 18 months ago I ran into the back of a guys car at a set of lights going about 5km/h that he then claimed bodily injury for, I hope the chiropractor gives him regular happy endings.



I forgot about his intend to claim for this when I didn't hear anything for a year so it was deeply upsetting for a mistake from the past to emerge in this way, they probably sent a letter to an address I've not been at for over ten months. So in this moment of considering my life options, being the plan to buy the car I had just tried to insure was technically already purchased from a nearby car yard and was in fact to work out of so that I can earn more money, the plan that was now in jeopardy I had for the first time in a long time to give my life situation a serious assessment. In this moment I was painfully uprooted from my old idea and free to explore other options, a useful but uncomfortable state to be in like adrenalin in a fight. I couldn't help but think of the simplicity in the lives of some of the poorer people I've seen on my travels, or the lifestyle of Buddhist monks that I'd met who don't have a bunch of wants as priorities. I mean by that that not in the confusing sense of living in a rich society with so much opportunity do those people feel so pulled and conflicted where they have to constantly sacrifice their inner peace to chase something inessential for survival. In my state I was envious of those people as I was tired of not getting what I want, rather I was tired of the constant need to feel like I should always want something that my happiness depends on getting. Realistically so many peoples mental states operate on these swinging doors of reality, hinged to a frame of insecurity and lack of true understanding.



Still, we need to eat and the fear of being late for work has pushed me out of a comfortable bed more times than any excitement or joy has so all the wanting I've done has served a very useful purpose. I also realize the irony of wanting to not want is itself a state of wanting so fuck you, God. I guess today served a useful purpose in reminding me that we don't always deserve to get the things we are chasing straight away so rigid expectations are the real enemy here. We can't formulate a plan b for everything we do as disaster could strike anytime but I'm glad for today's lesson in teaching me not to over invest in one particular idea. For that short time of worry and frustration I was more open to alternate ideas for my future months and it would be beneficial to be that way all the time. I've come to realize how hard it must be for some elderly people close to their moments of passing, we invest more into ourselves as time goes on and I would imagine that it could be harder for them to let go than someone half their age. I've decided to just bite the bullet and pay the extra hundreds of dollars per month for the insurance as it won't stop me turning a profit and it isn't a big a deal as my initial reaction signaled it as being. It's just a real fucking annoyance that will hopefully in its own right make me a stronger person which I believe it has already started to do.

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