Diarys of a reluctant traveller. Wideboy

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In the beginning there was wideboy;

This dear reader, is where I ask the question that everyone asks; where did it all begin? the Pig and Whistle. You will find my friends that a lot of stories involve a typical English pub.

There I was, working behind the bar of a public house (public if you're over 18..unless dodgy mike got you a fake ID saying your name was chip and you were from minnesota) all was good, I was happy with my,er chosen path ( for some god knows reason my mother had decided that sitting at home at the age of 18 eating turkey steaks was not quite what she had imagined for me when she sent me to a private school that meant she had to work a number of jobs, yes i know, selfish, how dare she make me work) the pub had characters such as cheese, who always asked for a harris,always thinking this was a beer i gave him the usual pub slop of fosters, but later events have transpired that maybe this wasn't the case, asking me to to get the crisps from the bag on the lowest shelf should have made me concerned, the fact that i was 19 stone should have made him really think..i digress

my life was perfect, i had carefully arranged a world so wide ranging that i knew i was the man to know, the man people wanted to be friends with and women slightly pitied and saw me as the gay friend..alas not being gay was something i should have said earlier but it allowed me to talk to girls rather than stare at them looking creepy..i digress

my world was vast, too much for some people, 400 metres to be exact. Home, grandparents, kebab shop, pub all within easy reach, if i ever had to venture out i made sure it was quick and painless, my university was at least a half mile away and this caused panic for the first few years until i realised that it was technically in the same borough and this made me rest easy..being 19 stone, resting was a key hobby.

Then he walked in, you know the character, wide eyed boy, should have been in grange hill, even perhaps eastenders, selling motaaaaaghs with frank, should have ignored him, walked away, my life would be different now, isolated, living at mums,not doing anything, not bothering anyone, you know, happy. but no, 3 sentences changed my life and i blame him to this day
wideboy " hello mate"
me "mate"
wideboy "fancy coming to tenerife?"
me "does a bear shit in the woods fella?"
wideboy "i thought they shat in trees?"
me "???????????"
i should have walked away, i should have bloody walked away..but, after explaining to him the delights of using a question with the obvious answer being yes instead of saying yes (i told you i was clever, I was at uni after all, he worked in a garage, remember, keep up) and then explaining it to him again,it was agreed, i the world wise man that i was, and at the age of 18, was going on a proper lads holiday, with 6 people i didn't know and wideboy who i'd known all my life yet still didn't know his second name..things couldn't go wrong..

laugh, mock, welcome
the reluctant traveller

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