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Published: July 27th 2005
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The gift that keeps on giving!
Simon with my birthday thrush medicine. Dear reader,
Here is a guest blog written by my sister, Pam. While visiting us in Germany, she took a side trip to England for a few days.
Enjoy!
Globetrekkingmama
Birthday:
In which Pam spends nine hours in the airport, is attacked by overzealous yeast, and chokes on fish bones. Even though my flight isn’t till 1:00, I wake up early on my birthday (Bastille Day) to catch the bus at 7:10. All later buses will arrive too late at Frankfurt-Hahn for me to catch my plane. So I arrive at the airport around 8:30 and soon discover my flight won’t depart till past 5:00. I do different things to pass the time: flirt with a little tow-headed boy (who proves a rather persistent suitor), listen to a book on tape (till I can no longer stand the sound of Steve Martin reading aloud sex scenes), and -- joy of joys! -- discover I have a monster yeast infection. All this is rather amusing, but I am glad when we finally take off for London. Although I ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and goldfish crackers I had packed, I am starving by the time I
100% Pure Class!
Simon was delighted to discover the groom was wearing the same thing! (The bride was horrified.) get from the Stansted airport to Liverpool Street.
Simon meets me at the Tube station and gives me a wonderful birthday present -- a collection of absurd little postcards -- but I’m afraid I have eyes only for his water, which I take without asking and drink quickly. I confide to Simon that my nether regions are being overtaken by angry yeast, and we go to Boots and get ‘thrush’ medicine.
Simon then takes me out to dinner for my birthday. I order the whole rainbow trout, which is not so smart, considering I don’t like my food to come with a head and can’t eat my way around fish bones to save my life. It’s delicious, but I end up spitting out lots of bone onto my plate, which I’m sure is super attractive…
Friday:
In which Pam is wonderstruck at the sight of a miniature mess kit. On Friday, Simon having to work, I try to play the tourist. I make it to the Thames where I partake of a bacon and butter sandwich. I then head to the Tate Modern and look around. However, all this time I just want to nap…
So I head back to Simon’s and sleep for a while, then meet Simon after work.
We walk back to his place, order take-out and watch Kath and Kim (an excellent Australian sitcom). And then the most wonderful thing happens: Simon shows me his miniature mess kit. (This mess kit actually belongs to his army men. Though he is, in fact, a fully grown man, he still collects and gets excited over action figures.) I somehow manage to remain stoically unimpressed.
Saturday:
In which Pam receives the highest compliment a Brit can bestow. The next day, after making a short trip to the British Library to visit the Magna Carta, we leave for the north. Once we get to Harrogate, Mark and Louise (Simon’s friends, who have a lovely house and are nice enough to host us) feed us pizza, salad and beer. We go to two pubs that night (as just staying at one is un-British, I think). At the first pub, Louise and I see the most amazing and horrifying breasts. It is loud in the pub, and I only see them through the window, but I’m pretty sure they are making loud slapping
noises as they smack against each other. Simon and Mark miss out on the view.
At the second pub, Simon says I’m one of the most sarcastic people he knows, and he and Mark enlighten me about America. Evidently, both the moon landings and the need to floss are just myths perpetrated by the American government. The boys eventually hit upon a brilliant plan for world domination. As this plan is born out of a prodigious intake of alcohol, I’m sure you can imagine how truly genius it is. They swear me to secrecy…
Sunday:
In which Pam is defeated by food. Finally it’s Sunday -- the day of the wedding. The wedding is held on a lovely day at a rather posh hotel, with a lake and rolling hills all around. I notice there are more hats than one would normally see at an American wedding, but not nearly enough to justify the costuming of Four Weddings and a Funeral. The bride looks stunning and the groom looks content. The service (which is just a civil service and not held in a church) is blissfully short. After the service, we meander outside and pictures of the wedding party and guests are taken. We are served lunch about 2:00. Lunch lasts two hours and thoroughly defeats me. There is wine, a melon and berry dish, tomato soup with rolls, turkey and stuffing and vegetables and sausage wrapped in bacon and chocolate covered cream puffs. I have never been so sick of eating in all my life…
At about 4:00 we get a three and a half hour break to gastronomically recover and/or get thoroughly drunk. Simon, Mark, Louise and Declan reminisce about school days in Norfolk. Most of their friends and classmates are described as crazy, jailed or dead. During this time, Mark scares the crap out of me. He is pretty far gone, and we are left alone on the lawn outside the bar for a few minutes. He turns to me and starts off passionately with, ‘I’ve known Simon for 26 years. Our mothers have known each other since they were eggs, Pam. Eggs. I love Simon…’ I am horrified. I don’t want to hear Mark’s drunken confessions. He continues: ‘But Simon is the worst dresser I know. I mean, look at his little joke belt buckle and his little joke shoes.’ Oh, what relief! Mark is not confessing dark secrets, but divulging common knowledge. (Simon is dressed for the wedding in white and black sneakers and a rather effeminate-looking belt buckle featuring a horse’s head with its long mane blowing in the wind.)
At 7:30 is the dance. At this point, Simon gets wink-happy. I get a few dozen winks throughout the disco, some even accompanied with clicking. We are fed yet more food -- this time buffet style. Simon and Mark dance spastically -- full-on boy band style. They wear shades and attach bendy straws to serve as faux headset mics. It is truly beautiful, and I am awestruck. The spell is broken when Simon’s drunken revelry makes him sick later that night.
Monday and Tuesday:
In which Pam is treated to the classy side of London. The train back to London is delayed due to a warehouse fire. When we arrive home, Simon decides to show me a classier part of town where men are free to roam shirtless: Acton. We make healthy food for dinner and watch The Simpsons and more Kath and Kim.
I head back to Germany the next morning, and though I must wait four hours at the airport for the Idar-Oberstein bus, there are no unexpected delays in my travel plans.
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