Life for Life's Sake

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Tuesday night, a not-very-productive-but-talk-down-to-each-other sort of meeting ended after the lecture I was hoping to attend started. My frustration about the meeting and my dislike of walking into lectures late made me susceptible to my course-mate’s invitation to a Guy Fawkes firework show. “You work too hard,” she said. Although I admit going to a lecture on one of Britain’s holidays was a bit ridiculous and although I usually do “work too hard,” I don’t feel like that has been the case here. I have spent a lot of time listening to This American Life, or reading articles only quasi-related to my course, or talking with my roommates, or watching Slings & Arrows. My days are relatively open and I have felt relatively lazy, then guilty for being lazy, then frustrated than my course isn’t more intense. So maybe my friend isn’t right, maybe I am not working too hard. But I think she is right that something is wrong.

And she was right that fireworks were a good, at least temporary, cure. They were garish, and loud, and melodramatic, and I loved them. I loved the silly excitement I felt waiting for the show to start. I loved standing in a crowd of hundreds that had all come together to watch containers of powder shot into the air and set on fire. I loved that the crappy music playing was too loud but perfectly timed with the explosions. I loved the quiet after the show had finished, even if it lasted only a few seconds (quiet is precious in a city). I loved the silliness, the camaraderie, the beauty.

My days are getting busier. I started one of my placements yesterday. I will be leading drama for girls who struggle with confidence for an hour one day a week for the rest of the school year. They are in those awkward years of earlier high school when they are no longer children, but are certainly not adults. They are in the space between. I don’t think adolescent conveys the awkwardness of those years. The term makes that period seem so concrete, when really nothing seems stable or certain. I didn’t feel this way when I was 14, but I see it in my students. I see the constant persona shifting and play acting. I see the different, and diverse paths that stretch in front of them. They seem on the edge of something, on the cusp. When I was their age, did people sense this in me? Did I chameleon from moment to moment like these girls do without realizing?

I was late to the first session. Not a good start. I am not used to the nuances and inconsistencies of public buses. I feel embarrassing, and clumsy, and too young and silly to be facilitating this program. Although the start was lurching, within the first 20 minutes everyone was laughing together. It felt good to laugh with them. Their laughter felt like the start of acceptance and liking. I really want them to like me. It’s amazing how a group of 14 year old girls can turn an adult back into teenager.

It is also amazing to me how quickly the dynamic can shift. One moment we were laughing, and the next some of the girls were moody and cross with each other for not trying hard enough, or for talking out of turn, or for using two markers. It’s like emotional aerobics, and I am out of shape.

To close session we created a Hands Contract. I have been doing this exercise at camp since I was 11 years old. One a poster board, everyone traces their hand, and then the group decides how they want to be. It feels less like creating rules and more like setting goals for the group.

Although it went well and most of the students seemed engaged, I could feel some of them getting antsy towards the end. I asked them questions to invite them back into the conversation, which worked, but left the discussion feeling more like a lesson than I would have liked. There were also some side conversations, which I didn’t handled as well as I should have; I should have set a firmer boundary.

I am bit afraid some of them won’t come back. While, I really believe in this exercise, I am not sure it works with this age group in only an hour session. If we had a longer session I would have done a fun, silly physical game afterwards to end with enthusiasm and laughter rather than talking. I wonder if there are more physical and silly ways to create a contract. I think it is really important to do this in the first session, but how? I don’t think I could have started with the hands contract, but maybe you can? So much to think about…

I ended the session as we end each day of camp: with appreciations. I invited them to thank someone for something that happened in the session. Not very many were offered. I missed having gobos and campers who already bought into the community, ready to thank each other, and to model the process. Hopefully as the sessions continue, more people will have appreciations. I feel confident it will just take time. Sometimes, I am not a very patient person.

Talking with their teacher afterwards, I told her how I felt about the session and what I would like to improve. It was so nice to have the chance to talk to someone and receive feedback. Maybe for the first time this term, I feel challenge. But because of her and my course leader I feel supported to meet that challenge. And that is a pretty exciting place to be. She said I might be thinking too much, trying too hard. She said I should relax and have fun. That they will then have more fun along with me. It seems to be the theme of this week: “You work too hard.”

After the session, I went to evening class on the Meisner technique I have been attending weekly. As far as I understand it (I’ve only been to about 4 classes), the techniques is about honestly responding within the given situation. That’s it. That’s how you act according to Meisner. You listen to your partner and then respond honestly. So far we have only done repetition exercises. They are very simple, but lovely. It feels so good to do art for its own sake. Feels so good to listen and be listened to. Feels so good to respond honestly. Feels so good to give all of my attention to the moment. I have been so caught up in “Am I learning?” “Am I growing” “What will this lead to?” I need to live more like I act in the Meisner class. In a way I have been doing this: I stop what I am doing to listen to a frustrated roommate; I listen to This American Life; I go to the park. But I often feel guilty for ending a day without “accomplishing” something. But really… I suppose I have. I have done the work of living. I have listened. I have responded. Maybe Meisner, my classmate, and my supervisor are right. Maybe I do work too hard. Maybe all I need to do is be.



Goals:

Don’t rush in workshops (and in life)

Be patient

Really listen

Don’t feel guilty for having fun



Thank you for:

Opportunities to be challenged

Opportunities to have fun for the sake of fun.

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