Being the Centre of Attention

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All our life we are told to be mindful of others. Share your toys, don’t hurt other people feelings, think before you act, look before you leap, extortion is wrong, stop bullying people smaller than you, running a protections racket isn’t any good either. In short, the world does not revolve around you. People are wrong. The world does revolve around me.

Recently I have become an axis for coincidence. Not just any old coincidence either, no, we’re talking about the kind of coincidence you could dine out on for years. Coincidence so large as to make you think about the old military proverb: “once is happenstance, twice coincidence, three times enemy action”. What comes after three? I need to know this because I’ve been averaging about one per week for the last two months.

The smallest coincidence, probably the easiest to explain, was when a friend of mine in New Zealand (Russell) told me to enjoy the Edinburgh Military tattoo this year. Not so startling until you realise that I didn’t tell Russell that I was going.

Cheri, Amber and I went to the tattoo last year and enjoyed it so much we decided to go again this year. Amber volunteered to procure the tickets for us all and so it was decided and action was taken. None of this was really a secret, however I’m also fairly certain that no-one really knew.

So how did Russell know? It could be a good guess. Perhaps he had spy cameras set up around my house? Perhaps one of my flat mates is a double agent? After examination of the flat and a close questioning of my flat mates this theory was put to rest (or on hiatus - I still suspect something fishy). Meanwhile after a bit of cat and mouse questioning with Russell the truth came out.

It turns out that Amber had had a bit of trouble acquiring the tickets here in the UK. So she rang the travel agent we got them off last time. It also just so happens, that that travel agent is in New Zealand (yes, we in the UK bought our tickets for the Edinburgh Tattoo from New Zealand). It also just so happens that when Amber rang for the tickets Russell’s sister was also at the travel agent and overheard the conversation - which she duly reported to Russell for the purposes of mischief making. Well score one to him, mischief was created and a sense of paranoia pervaded the house which has only recently dissipated. Still it made me laugh about the sheer coincidence involved. That’s nothing compared to what was to come.

The next week at work one of my colleagues (Warren) reminded me I had to get home by 6:30 to let in Cheri as she didn’t have her house key. Actually Warren had gotten the wrong end of the stick here, Cheri had her house key - I didn’t, and the deal was that she’d try to get home before 6:30pm to let me in. That doesn’t explain how Warren knew this though.

Immediately the paranoia set in again, had I been sending emails to the wrong person? What else had I sent him by mistake? Had he overheard a conversation I had made? Does everyone at work know the inner workings of my personal life? Had I told Warren and forgotten about it? What the heck?

Again some cat and mouse ensued. This session lasted a bit longer than last time as Warren was obviously enjoying my disquiet and wasn’t about to surrender his fun so easily. Actually, it turns out that I have Russia to blame for this.

Having finished my update to Russia I told a few people at work who might be interested including Warren. Similarly Cheri told a few people at her work that an update to our website had been made. So, one night at Warren’s flat, he’s having a chat with one of his flatmates, when she starts talking about a work mate that’s recently been to Russia. Coincidentally says Warren, one of my colleagues has been to Russia too. They compare notes and decide to contrast website links which they’ve both been given, only to find it’s the same one. Cheri works with Warren’s flatmate. Naturally the next day, Warren’s flatmate got some details from Cheri with which Warren would be able to stop me in my tracks. Cheri thought this was excellent fun. Oh how we laughed.

Did you know that I have a friend called Richard Watson? I call him Rik. This is because this is the name I knew him by when we were in college. It’s also because I have a brother in law called Richard Watson. Naturally, I call him Richard and not Rik. This is because I don’t think he’s ever been known as Rik, but also because it keeps both Richard Watson’s separated in my mind.

Richard has a daughter, her birthday is the 11th of August. About a week after Warren revealed his flatmate works with my wife, Rik (that’s the friend) emails me with good news - his wife is pregnant! They’re expecting on the 11th of August. Is the coincidence getting to you? Well, it’s not finished as a couple of days after this, Richard (that’s the brother in law) emails me with good news - his wife is also pregnant. It’s weird enough that I know two people with exactly the same name, now they’re both emailing me in tandem to let me know they’re expecting children.

Popular wisdom says that things tend to come in threes. Naturally enough, this should be the end of my coincidence streak. However I knew something was up when another colleague at work asked me on Monday what I had been doing in April about 3 years ago. Sensing Karma and my universal axis I didn’t even bother to think about it or wonder what had happened. Instead I said “Paul, why don’t you tell me what I was doing?”

“Well” says Paul, “you were doing some kind of silly dance on the shore of Lock Ness”. Ok. Intriguing. “And I know this, because I have photos”. Allrighty then. Sure enough, Paul then produced some digital photos of me prancing about Loch Ness doing a Nessie summoning dance (don’t ask - I was on a tour and as we all know, what goes on tour, stays on tour). Cutting straight to the chase I asked Paul how he came across this incriminating evidence. I’ve stopped being surprised at how this keeps happening to me. It’s just a fact of life.

It turns out that one of the people on the tour was a friend of his. Three years ago, she was on the tour with Cheri and I. After the tour she stayed in London for a while - with Paul. She needed to clear the photos off her camera and Paul obliged by burning them to CD using his computer. They then sat on his computer, forgotten for about 3 years. Last weekend he had decided to do some maintenance on his computer. Imagine his surprise when he saw my face pop up on his computer whilst spring cleaning his files. Imagine my surprise when I saw that same photo pop up on the company intranet.

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