This is Pretty Nice for a Trailer Park...

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Alas! The long delayed update to my mind-bloggling sporadic body of work has arrived. I do apologize for the lengthy hiatus I took, I can actually say with kind of a straight face that I have been keeping busy and life has been hectic (in the good, study abroad sense of the word). You could say the frenetic pace of traveling in place of attending class regularly has taken its toll. Since the last post, too much has happened and many memories have faded and creased into the irrecoverable corners of my mind. Therefore this will sort of be a highlight reel, a ‘Best Of’ if you will, of the last six weeks.

To begin, I have recently become enamored once more with 90’s alt rock music. The words “buzz” and “ballad” are now a part of who I am and they certainly crack the top 5 on my most frequently used words list (along with grundlecakes, moist, and bestia-philia). The latter is a hybrid word of my creation that I have formally submitted to Merriam-Webster to be considered for entry in the 2010 edition. Be on the look out. Anyways, I say all this because I’m going to sprinkle in little dew drops of 90’s buzz ballad verses throughout this post and who ever can spot them all will win a mystery prize. Good luck and may the best man (…or woman…probably not) win.

So I had mentioned a manky thief and some thieving monkeys in my last post and never quite expounded on that topic. The monkeys were from Gibraltar (Gibraltar is part of the Iberian Peninsula geographically but belongs to the UK); they live on a mountain, pee and defecate on their hands, then climb on American tourists and try to invade purses and backpacks with their nimble little monkey hands. The thief was from Sevilla; he pees and defecates on the banks of the river, then stalks and robs American tourists with his crafty little thieving hands. Both are clever creatures and both instances combined for hands down the most memorable Valentines Day ever (all of this occurred on February 14th. Happy Valentines Day….?). I ended up losing about 100 euro and my sweet Samsung mobile, but gained some intangible memories, chockfull of mischief and adventure. To the monkeys and thief, I say a very heartfelt thank you.

The next weekend I attended Carnaval in Cadiz, a city situated on the Atlantic Coast of Spain about 1 ½ hours from Sevilla. Carnaval is essentially like Halloween come early on Franklin Street but to a significantly larger and more fantastic degree. It’s a two week long celebration filled with debauchery, disfrasas, and regrettable and unforgettable memories. The streets also run yellow with dehydrated urine spilled from the bladders of inebriated adolescents. It truly is a blast.

And now, before I continue with monotonous travel updates, another entry in the sublog…

Aventuras con Marisol

“Dear Kitty,

I woke up this morning with muscle sores and a bruised tailbone. I thought I had heard the door creak open in the middle of the night, a mammoth, towering shadow guised under a blanket of darkness creeping like an awkward hippopotamus towards my bedside. I shudder, as if somehow a physical convulsion might shake off the horrific reality of what may have happened. I cling to the hope that David is still pure and content; the innocence of his naïve mind his only shield against the horrors of this war (figuratively, again). The other day I dropped a cup I thought to be glass while bringing it to the sink. “Kristall, nacht glass!” she cried. And for every shard of shattered crystal there was an equally sharp and penetrating odious bellow. I take refuge during the quiet, serene moments when she leaves, which have increased ever since she joined this neighborhood health committee. Somos Sano (we are healthy) they call themselves, or SS for short. I’m not quite sure what the SS does, but I try not to allow my curiosity to cloud these fleeting moments of happiness. Anyways, not long after the night of broken glass (crystal technically) came a particularly humiliating meal. To the backdrop of Spanish news, Marisol hurled a barrage of insults my way, continuously telling me I was eating like a horse. We had bananas after the meal and she then told me I ate like a monkey; that in fact I was a monkey. I was fine at first, her debasement not quite cruel enough to pierce the leathery skin I’ve developed. But then she took out a camera, and started pointing and screaming - “Monkey! Monkey!” She made me wear a silly hat and puff out my cheeks, scratching my underarms like a primate. With banana peel in hand, I cried inside while she photographed and laughed uproariously. Her 13 chins bounced to and fro, rippling with pleasure, framing her face like some sort of morbidly obese hell spawn. She then instructed David to get a sword, a mask, and a handful of garbanzo beans. She forced David to poke me with the sword and throw Garbanzo beans at me while I continued to monkey around. I have a photograph of the incident, a picture that torments me, but one that I will upload on behalf of the reading public. She also always calls us by the wrong names, so last week she decided to write numbers on our arms so she can “remember more easily”. I’m 1120 and David is 1121. We continue to persevere, because I can’t help but hope that at the end of this long, twisted, grimy tunnel, there is a light. I hope it comes soon.”

Alright, hope you enjoyed that detour and gained a little insight into my daily home life.

Moving forward, I have noticed a disconnect between the English and Spanish languages as of late. That is to say there are certain commonly used phrases in English (and Spanish) that seem to get utterly lost in translation. I will write the literal Spanish translation of some of these English phrases and let you do the translating.
1) Levanta el techo!
2) Tengo un hueso(r)
3) Chica, damelo
4) Tengo un duro puesto
5) Ella es una moneda de diez centavos
6) Estoy alto
7) Temblalo como un salero de sal!

There are plenty more, but these are just the ones that cropped up in my head at this moment. Feel free to suggest some more as they come to you.

Now, I briefly (I hope) will recap the rest of my travel destinations of the past month, some of which I will go into greater detail on in the next entry. After Carnaval I went with my program to Granada, a Spanish city of Moorish influence bustling with international students and hookah joints. If you only go to one place while you’re there, make it Babylon, an uber-trendy club in the heart of downtown with beautiful women, cool Jersey bartenders, and strong drinks.

After this I went to Ronda again and Jerez, a town famous for its sherry winery. It happened to be Carnaval while I was there, a much more family oriented experience than Cadiz, but fun nonetheless. There was a giant parade with tons of elaborately decorated, themed floats crammed with little kids in cute costumes throwing confetti at the crowd. There were also multitudes of children walking alongside the floats and my favorite moment came when a horse-drawn float came to a halt and the horse then proceeded to unload a 10,000 gallon piss in the middle of the parade. Unsuspecting young costumed children were soaked up to their ankles in horse urine. It was like watching the Challenger shuttle launch. I happened to be seated at the time and narrowly avoided the same fate as the toddlers. The highlight of Ronda was the mountain bike excursion and subsequent injuries of varying severity that I will delve into more thoroughly at a later time.

After Ronda/Jerez, I impulsively bought a flight to Glasgow, Scotland leaving out of Malaga and returning 4 days later. Awkward joggers, football hooligans, kilt-wearing bagpipers, and a borderline alcoholic enthusiasm for pints greeted me in this charming country. I could write a whole entry on this trip, so it too will have to wait. After Glasgow, I went to Lisbon, Portugal to support my fellow classmates while they participated in the largest half-marathon in the world. Fools! I didn’t run, still got a delicious post-race strawberry popsicle, and got to live unhealthily for the weeks leading up to the race. After Lisbon, I ended up in Lagos, the coolest little beach town I’ve ever been too. Again, all of these trips and the anecdotes that come with them will have to wait until the next addition.

Now the last thing before I end this monstrous post is a bit of commentary on my hometown. I love Sevilla, I really do. To me, there might not be any better place to live in the world and the thought of leaving is a bit daunting. But if this magnificent city has one flaw, it is in the public sanitation department. There is literally dog shit everywhere. It comes in all shapes and sizes and adorns the sidewalks like swirls of chocolate soft-serve, leaving brown stains everywhere it touches. It is truly astounding to me the amount of dog shit I encounter on a daily basis, and as you’ve probably guessed by now, this perturbs me so because for the THIRD TIME since I’ve been here, I stepped in a fresh, sticky pile of dog poo. This last incident was so appalling for a variety of reasons. Firstly, it wasn’t just a tentative step onto excrement - it was a full force commitment; foot planting firmly on the sidewalk holding the weight of my entire body centric on the shit, maximizing the shit to shoe surface area distribution. Also, I was wearing sandals and it disgusts me to say that the brown tar not only got onto the bottom of the shoe, but crept up onto the part of the sandal where your foot is in constant contact with. I took multiple steps before I realized what had happened. Moreover, this happened 15 minutes from where I live, forcing me to walk home barefoot on the street, passing hundreds of Spanish University students who gawked and literally pointed and chuckled as I passed. I returned home humiliated, furious, repulsed and with a shit-stained foot and sandal. That's what she said.

I will put forth a sincere effort to update more regularly (maybe even weekly!). I am constantly learning more Spanish (Mom) in each exchange I have with a Spaniard, slang and otherwise. Classes, although a bit uneventful, are going really well (Mom) and I am proud to say I created a brand new alphabet of coded letters while sitting through a particularly boring Spain and America “discussion”. My drawing skills have also improved ten-fold. Until next time.

-BRAVO OUT-

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Photos

Dance, monkey, dance!
Humiliation at the dinner table :/

Comments

[Derrick]

Hilarity at Its Best
Andy, I'm not sure if you're aware, but I have been awaiting the return of your blog posts for quite some time now. Just wanted to let you know that this continues to be the most hilarious part of whatever day I choose to read it on. I literally cried this time. Thanks, and keep up the good work. Derrick