It All Started in ‘The Damage.’
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Published: September 20th 2015
Amsterdam Canals
Image courtesy of MorBCN on Flickr.‘The Damage’: decadence by day, debauchery by night.
Amsterdam has that nickname for a very good reason. One of the first questions my friends and colleagues asked me when I returned was the classic “Did you have a good time?”, to which I responded “I behaved reasonably irresponsibly,” cuing some smirks which had the kind of tone where they could deduce what I had gotten up to. I could start by explaining the grandeur of the architecture and the canals but, let's face it, we all want to get down to the nitty gritty; what Amsterdam is absolutely infamous for.
The Red Light District and the relaxed laws.
Prior to my arrival in Amsterdam, I recollected this
">video that I had seen floating around social media for some time. The video shows beautiful girls, seductively posing in the windows, enticing punters and tourists alike. Once the majority of the public’s attention had been caught, the girls in each strike a pose and perform the most incredibly timed, choreographed dance. We learn that the girls had been lured there through false advertising, through the promise of professional dancing jobs in Europe. As I
Pancake Corner
Image courtesy of kadege59 on Flickr. wandered through the district, I tried to imagine to what extent this might have been true. Were the girls unhappy to be there? Were they lured there under false pretences? Were they safe? If they weren't happy to be there, they certainly deserved some kind of award for their acting skills.
Before we walked past any of the girls in their windows, my friends and I paid a quick visit to a coffee shop where I bought a brownie. We were going to attempt
The Green Grasshopper , but the surging hordes were enough to make us consider looking elsewhere and we ended up finding a smaller coffee shop called
Pancake Corner. Plus we soon learned that The Green Grasshopper no longer sold what we wanted. I’d never had one of these brownies before, but you've got to try these local delicacies to experience the culture, plus I get major FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) if I don’t. The next item we had on our agenda to go to one of Amsterdam’s infamous sex shows. Before coming here, I discussed Amsterdam with a couple of people, both of whom I’d consider to be a lot more mentally mature than myself,
Amsterdam Street
Image courtesy of Moyan Brenn on Flickr. and both mentioned that these shows were an absolute ‘must see’. These discussions left me feeling somewhat awkward due to the taboo subject, but if you watch the shows which are more tailored towards tourists, they are surprisingly not as seedy as you'd expect. Well, so far as sex shows go…
Anyway, cue The Pink Elephant at the
Theatre Casarosso. Before walking up to the theatre (which seemed as if it was adorned with the lights of Hollywood), a group of boys called out to us, shouting “You’ll never look at a banana in the same way again!” This statement now rings very true to me. As we walked into the auditorium, the first thing I laid my eyes upon was this couple having sex on stage. My instant reaction was one of sheer embarrassment, with a whole list of questions reeling through my mind: where do I look? If I look, will people think I’m a creep? If I don't look, will people think I’m a prude? Who on EARTH are these people? And what the HELL is this? But then I thought “Screw it – I’m in Amsterdam!” I felt less and less sheepish as the
Amsterdam House
Image courtesy of Moyan Brenn on Flickr, effects of the brownie and the free drinks kicked in and watched with interest. The free drinks were part of a deal (for I was on the first day of a
Contiki tour called
European Horizons) and, of course, I took FULL advantage of this. Before we arrived in the Red Light District, we were given a complimentary canal tour with supposedly unlimited drinks. The tour guide was absolutely astounded when she gave the announcement that my group was the first group to have ever rinsed the boat dry (this involved 40 litres of beer, equal amounts of various wines and some champagne and shots at the beginning). In hindsight, mixing my drinks all night and having a brownie probably wasn't the best idea I’d ever had, but it certainly made for an interesting night and gave my new friends and I a fantastic bonding experience. The parts that I can remember, I definitely won't forget.
The show was an eye-opener. Bizarrely enough, the couples having live sex wasn't the strangest of things we experienced that night. I never realised exactly how much a woman could do with her parts. One of these ‘experiences’ involved watching this woman pull
Amsterdam Central Station
Image courtesy of esmail on Flickr. what seemed like hundreds of yards of ribbon and bunting from her nether regions as she strutted around seductively on stage, wrapping the ribbon around various poles and ending her act with pulling two reasonably-sized flags out of her lady parts: one flag for the country, the other for The Pink Elephant. My main question: how? This was totally difficult for me to comprehend, although I guess our organs are made to carry a baby so I guess the question ‘why not?’ springs to mind. And one of the other acts involved a woman, participation from the audience and a banana. I can't really put it into words. It was by no means graphic or disgusting at all (well, other peoples’ opinions may differ), but it's the type of thing you'd have to go and see to believe. There was also a man dressed as a gorilla for added comic effect. To be honest, I don't think the gorilla was needed; the show was funny enough!
After our allotted time slot was up, we were escorted out of the auditorium. I'd been watching the show feeling surprisingly not as awkward as I’d expected (I think the wine
Amsterdam Canals
Image courtesy of Sylvi on Flickr. certainly helped with this, and also I’d started to finish off the rest of my brownie and was feeling relatively relaxed from the other half that I’d eaten before), but afterwards I began to consider exactly how strange some of it was. Granted, I went into the show partially knowing what I was going to be watching, but it was odd seeing an act which should be so intimate being performed so soullessly to the point where it was almost alienating. Every woman and man in the Red Light District at night was incredibly beautiful, but as they displayed themselves in their windows their eyes bored into you, searching you, no matter who you were or what your sexuality was. Although I was filled with wonder and curiosity, I was also filled with pity. But what did I expect? This was Amsterdam. We were assured that these people were safe, including those who worked in the Blue Light District too (which is less well-known and houses sexually transformed hookers – I had never known about it until I arrived in Amsterdam), and that the women even had crèches for their children, but you couldn't help but wonder what their lives
Church
Image courtesy of Adam Smok on Flickr. are like. But as my friends and I danced the rest of the night away in a club (with me dancing somewhat more slowly, my feet feeling firmly rooted to the spot, smiling and swaying with what felt like divine contentment as I watched everyone else dancing and swirling more speedily around me), all of those thoughts quickly slipped away.
Whilst Amsterdam is filled with debauchery by night, the city by day has an entirely different light. It's almost as if the raucous activities from the night before had never happened. It. Is. Stunning.
As others chose to go to the museum district and snap some shots outside the infamous ‘I amsterdam’ structure, the thought of queueing for ages to get into museums didn't appeal to me. Number one: I was extremely hungover, almost to the point of no return, and didn't fancy standing up in the same spot for an extended period of time. Number two: there was so much more of the city that I wanted to see by foot. So a couple of friends and I took to the streets after paying a quick visit to the Anne Frank Haus (again,
Amsterdam
Image courtesy of Adem Dogan on Flickr. queuing put us off from entering) and we decided to just randomly wander and see what we could find. I was in my element as there was street art galore (I’m not going to lie, my Instagram is looking pretty hot right now), an abundance of cheese shops (which I also found incredibly pleasing. How can you not like cheese?) and numerous sex museums and
The Condomerie . In my vulnerable state - and, let's face it, I’m a pretty gullible person - I genuinely believed that you really could use all of the comdoms that they sold. Some were shaped like elephants, others were shaped like the Eifel Tower, and I’m pretty certain there was a cactus hanging around somewhere. There were condoms so big they would make me scream ‘ouch!’, and so small they would make me sigh ‘oh’. One of my friends even bought an Earl Grey flavoured condom, although she’s yet to disclose whether or not it really tasted like that.
Candid business aside, my friends and I really took great pleasure in sitting by the side of a canal and dangling our legs, watching various small boats, ducks and the rest of the world go by. As we scanned our eyes up and down the canal, it was obvious how interesting the architecture was, including the beautiful design of some of the churches. It was also odd to see Amsterdam in a more subdued light. It felt calm. It felt serene. It also felt relaxing, which was completely opposite to the night before. I could have happily sat by that canal all day, just watching things. But I do have a tip for you though: whenever you're eating in a restaurant or café, make the most of using the bathroom. It may sound like an odd thing to say (but let's face it – this has been an all round odd blog post in general), but we had great difficulty in finding bathrooms elsewhere, even in the huge train station or local McDonalds. We had no other choice but to use a café down a side street, but despite apologising for using their facilities we got severely told off and were made to feel incredibly unwelcome. Us being told off kind of ruined that relaxing vibe. Make sure you're knowledgable about other cultures’ bathroom etiquette before you visit!
Putting negativity aside, Amsterdam was a beast of a city and it took me, heart and soul. If you visit Amsterdam you will become a richer person, for you will certainly gain some interesting stories to tell other people and you will have your eyes opened. Wide open.
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