Chapter 2: Get off my boyfriend's gonads

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Chapter 2

Get off my boyfriend’s gonads you Roman bastard!

It is hard to believe for those who know them, but after a restless night for Martin (a lack of pillows, he needs at least two puffed-up pillows to get a decent sleep), and a great sleep for Maya (Valium induced), they arose at 9.00am for breakfast. A hearty Italian affair with the best cups of coffee, a perfect start! Though judging by the other residents, it seems travelling out of season entails having to share hotels with geriatrics and children.

So what was the plan? Head for Santa Maria Maggiore// Roman Forum/ Palatine Hill/Capitoline Hill and see how we get on? Didn’t seem too ambitious, so off they trundled out of the hotel, towards the station. Maya was still a little spaced out but was gradually starting to regain her senses. Down via Cavour, and on approaching Santa Maria Maggiore, the Italian equivalent of the Terence Higgins Trust approached Martin, for a signature for a petition against AIDS. More than reluctant to put name to paper against AIDS (Catholic country and all that), it was soon explained that it was not against but for the cause. Next followed a heartfelt tale of drugs, rehabilitation and the usual, which was very quickly followed up with a monetary request of around 10 to 20 euros. Martin felt uneasy about the genuineness of the character requesting the pledge, but still felt obliged to make an offer, as he handed over 4 euros to the unfortunate Italian. After such a Christian gesture, a church visit was imminent.

Majestically towering over our intrepid two, stood the Santa Maria Maggiore Basilica on 42 Piazza di Santa Maria Maggiore.



Tourist site 1: Santa Maria Maggiore (basilica dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary)

History: First built in 350AD by Pope Liberius, legend has it that the plan of the church was outlined by a miraculous snowfall in August. This is commemorated every year on August 5th, when white rose petals are dropped from the dome during festal Mass.

Bell Tower: The highest in Rome at 75 metres rebuilt in 1370-1378.

Martin’s opinion:The majestic blend of styles in this basilica from the cosmati marble floor to the 15th century coffered ceiling to the altar canopy full of bronze cherubs makes this a worth while visit.

This was a sign of things to come, first corner turned and already a majestic masterpiece of religious architecture had stunned them both and had them eagerly wanting to explore further.

So onto the next surprise, the Coliseum, not yet calm yourselves, we’re not quite there yet. Firstly they inadvertently stumbled across a beautiful tranquil park, where mother and child shared some quality time together; there were no fathers in sight incidentally. Raffaele De Vico designed this park in the mid-19th century with the aim of making the city centre more attractive in accordance with a plan begun during the Napoleonic era. Note the octagonal fountain embellished with terracotta amphora’s known as Canestro's Fountain. In addition, there are nymphaea with tufa decorations, fountains dedicated to Nero and Trajan, and various statues.

Il Parco del Colle Oppio , tree lined pathways lead them to their first view of the colosseum’s façade.

Walking down Equiline hill, the Collosseum’s impressive outer-wall stood before Maya and Martin, beckoning their presence to the glorious and it has to be said not so glorious days of the gladiators and bloodthirsty games of emperors of days foretold. The front entrance, already fairly busy as many nationalities milled around the various outlets selling their tack. Worse still, large burly men dressed as gladiators approached Maya and Martin asking them if they wished a photo for posterity, taken by the gladiators with the gladiators. How much do you charge then, to take a picture with my camera? Enough for a drink! Ok that’s fair, so Maya clasped arms with one of them, whilst the other aimed his scabbard at Martin’s groin. Easy tiger, get your filthy sword off my boyfriend’s gonads ya bastard. Two photos later, and then came the scam, 20 euros please, Roman liberties knew no boundaries, enough for a drink my foot, £14.00 for a drink! These burly clowns were either heavy drinkers, or they frequented some rather opulent bars ( later it was discovered it was enough for just 3 drinks as drinks did not come cheap!) Martin gave them 3 euros, and their initial pleasantries turned sour as their faces took on a gladiatorial battle grimace. Not wishing to partake in the challenge, Martin grabbed Maya by the hand and left rather abruptly leaving the Gladiators to harass some Japanese girls instead, more their match!

Onto the true spectacle, the Colosseum, the symbol of the Eternal City.
Tourist site 2 : The Colosseum (Il Colosseo)

History: Started in 72AD by Vespasian in the grounds of Nero’s private Domus Aurea. Inaugarated by Titus in 80AD. Could seat more than 50,000, and the bloody gladiator combat and wild beast shows were held there.

The Games: The games lasted for a 100 days and nights during which 5,000 animals were slaughtered. When the Empire fell, the Colosseum was abandoned and became overgrown, eventually becoming a fortress in the Middle Ages. Damaged by several earthquakes and pollution, it now regularly receives a face-lift, the last being planned in 2004.

Martin’s comments: Despite earthquake damage, it still remains evocative, and upon entering you can almost hear the crowds cheering and giving the death sentence with a thumbs down. Maybe this should be revived where parents of murdered children, rape victims, etc. could give their own death sentence to the perpetrators with a simple flick of the wrist. Today the arena is a must visit, apart from annoying French school kids, when walking around, with Russel Crowe in mind, it is easy to imagine the sheer spectacle of the former Roman games.

Down the Via Sacra, a cobbled road, with pillars on the right took them past the victory arches and onto the Palatine Hill. With a little imagination, this former settlement comes alive, one can imagine Frankie Howard prancing around in a cloak, chasing the vestal virgins around the pool. Palatine overlooks the Forum, the mythical founding place of Rome. Many wealthy Romans built their homes here, and some time later, it became the realm of the emperors - hence our English word palace. Emperor Domitian’s residence served as the main imperial palace here for over 300 years.

Surrounded by majestic structures, and set in beautiful gardens, Maya and Martin strolled around both content and inspired by this Roman paradise. Overlooking the city, the Circus Maximus, the Palatine really is a fantastic respite from the hustle and bustle of modern day Rome.

Rome was founded when Romulus became its first king in 753BC, and the hut where he supposedly lived with his brother Remus (who incidentally he killed later!). The cave where the two brothers were raised by a she-wolf is still found under the Palatine hill.

A few hours went by soaking up the atmosphere of this Roman treasure. Coming back down the levels of Palatine, the Forum spreads out vastly. A landscape of ruins, columns and statues can be explored thoroughly and so they were. Built over 900 years, the Senate, the vestal virgins, the huge arches, a valley of history, not touched by vandals, preserved in its truest sense. The Forum was Rome’s former commercial, political and religious centre, which fell along with the Empire, and like the empire was left in ruins.

Excavation has been ongoing, and even today, a team of archeologists had cordoned off a small corner to dig up. Rome’s former splendour was a victim of an early recycling program. Many structures were plundered in order to restore other areas, in a sense, Romans recycled their own history. Marble and other materials were stripped down and adorned a different building down the road at a later stage. The Forum is overlooked by Capitoline Hill, a steep staircase took our travellers up from out of the ruins of the forum, onto the hugely impressive Campidoglio.

Campidoglio was now the city’s municipal centre, in ancient times, it formed Rome’s government. Michael Angelo designed the Piazza and the museums. The centre is dominated by the equestrian statue of Marcus Aurelius, though it is no longer the original 2nd century statue which was destroyed by pigeon crap. The hill provides spectacular views of the Forum and the Piazza Venetia (the roundabout any experienced driver would avoid like the plague).

A small walk back down and around the corner (having been instructed by three Brits with a map), our two stood in front of the Piazza Venezia (a very familiar postcard scene and nowhere near as clogged and polluted as imagined).

Several hours had now passed by, and feet were really beginning to ache, yet so much still remained to be explored. Rome appears pretty huge, but there seem to be a logical route to follow from one point of interest to the next. Just be aware of the scooters, which are everywhere, ambulances seem to be in high demand as well, as the sirens could be heard every ten minutes, probably attending the next scooter fatality. Down Via di San Marco onto Via V Botteghe Oscure where at the end one finds more ruins at the Area Sacra di Largo Argentina. (A building site at present).

Through a few more lesser known piazzas and onto the Piazza Campo di Fori.

During the day, Roman mamas carry their baskets to market, whereas at night, the piazza fills with Italian lager louts, all displeasingly overlooked by Giardano Bruno, a heretic burnt at the stake in 1600. He had argued that the universe was infinite, that it contained an infinite number of worlds, and that these are all inhabited by intelligent beings, and was burnt at the stake for it. Lunch was had here, at a small pizzeria, pizza Napoletena , tomatoe and anchovies, as a eccentric female vagabond tried to entertain the diners.

The Tevere river was calling, and so they left the inner city to explore the river bank. The Tevere is crossed by some fabulous bridges, but seems to be inhabited by undesirables, camping on the river’s quayside, with their dogs running wild leaving their calling cards. The best is not made of the river, and it’s homeless inhabitants make it even less appealing and a little threatening. They followed the river and headed for La Boca di Verita. A round shaped face (formerly a drain) where if you told a lie whilst having your hand in its mouth, it’s mouth would slam shut and cut off your hand. So Maya, have you ever been unfaithful? So Martin, do you really love me? Both questions were asked in a jovial manner. Upon reaching the place, a queue full of Japanese temptresses were ahead of them, giggling as they placed their little hands in the mouth of truth. Though what their statements were they failed to guess.

An older American couple started chatting, they were on a 2 week vacation in Rome, a piece of cake, Rome was easily done in that time. The Americans were very envious of our twosome’s adventure and each took photos of the other with their hands in the mouth. Needless to say, nobody’s hand was gnawed off. Honesty must be the best policy, though a severed hand or two could have provided an interesting ditty.

Away from the river, back to Piazza Venezia and up Via Corso, Rome’s main shopping street, though no shopping actually occurred , a first for Maya. Just off the main road, the two of them came across the Pantheon. Set in a pretty little square, this colossus monument almost takes up almost all of it. “ The temple to all Gods” with its 16 stone pillars is awesome.

Tourist site 3: The Pantheon

History: The Pantheon originated as a temple to the twelve most important Roman gods. Built around 125AD during the reign of Emperor Hadrian. As a present to the Pope, its future was guaranteed later in its life, and eventually became the final resting place of artists and kings, including Raphael and Vittorio Emmanuele II, the first king of united Italy. Nowadays the Pantheon is still a consecrated church and used for the occasional services, concerts and poetry readings.

Martin’s comments: The dome’s diameter of 40m draws you to gaze upwards to its 9m occollo which provides the natural light. Well worth a visit and as someone once said, it’s so quick to visit this place.

From the Pantheon, onto what the misguided guide books describe as “ a vast and beautiful piazza”, the Piazza Navona. Though the Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi by Bernini is impressive, the rest of the square is not quite as described. A cappuccino was well appreciated but our two could honestly not see where others were coming from. The piazza was ok, but not the amazing square it’s portrayed to be, and to top it off, indians selling bubble making toys and dogs that remarkably roll over under their own esteem just added to the tackiness of the place.

It had been a very long day, 7 hours of walking, really had taken things out of them both. A bus (crammed to the rafters) ride and some much needed recuperation until the evening. After some sleep, they headed back to look for a busy bar to appreciate some Italian Youth culture. After 45 minutes of searching, they couldn’t find a single bar, in fact the whole city seemed pretty dead. Rome does not seem to have a night life in the normal sense of the word. Bars tended to be small cafes with standing room only and an ice cream stand in the corner, and everybody drinks coffee. I suppose nobody risks being under the influence whilst in charge of a Vespa.

Eventually they did find a bar, “ The Trinity Bar”, an Irish Pub, with the most expensive gin and tonics in the world. Unlike other Irish bars though, it was actually run by the natives who didn’t quite grasp the Irishness. Just one drink later, they headed to a side street off the Piazza Navona, where they came across a New York Diner with some people in it. (The other establishments had all been empty) Very friendly waitress, great pizzas and cold cheesecake. A taxi back and collapsed into bed. Day 2: Highlight: The Palatine and Forum

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