Panicked

---

Panicked

I still have to update with my trips this past weekend to Dieppe and Mont St. Michel, but something has come up and I feel like I have to share it...

I'm currently faced with the possibility of having to travel alone for a month at the end of my trip. Anyone who knows me knows this is not something I want to have to do. But it's either that, or leave Europe a month earlier than I thought, and for-go my $900 Eurail pass - on top of me being very unhappy for a month or more for missing out. I'm just a little lost right now and don't really know how else to express it but go back to something I know: writing.

I won't get into details because it's not important, but I'll just state that it's typical of bizarre things happening for no reason at all. I had a really good day, albeit a busy day, but a good day. I picked up my tickets for Marseilles at the end of the month to visit Kim, and bought tickets with Alison and Allison to go to Strasbourg from March 16-19. I bought some yummy chocolate at Carrefour, and did my laundry. So yeah. Unexpected, and not really what I need when I'm so excited about all my future trips.

I have yet to find an International student who is 1: staying longer than the middle of May; 2: doesn't already have plans. So this still leaves me alone for a month. My option is to do 3 Contiki trips. May 15-May 30; June 1 - June 14; and June 15 - June 28. But... in total, I will spend upwards to $7000. This is not budget travel. My initial plan was to do a Greek island hopping trip for 2 weeks from June 15 - 28, and that would make up for having to travel alone. But now I'm faced with a full month (possibly a month and a half) completely alone.

Please forgive me for not looking at this from the brightest of views. I'm a bit shocked that things fell through the cracks like this - but really, it's better now than later. (That's the extent of any bright side I can muster). I'm just confused and bewildered at once again being faced to be alone. I'm not an independent person. I came to Europe to attempt to become one - but didn't expect to be thrown into independence by traveling all alone. Sure sure, I could meet people in hostels, but the fear of not meeting people is terrifying. I'm a private person, but need people around me. It really scares me to have to be traveling on my own, without someone to get through the tough times with.

This is complete stream of consciousness, and nothing makes sense, I know, but this is how I feel and I need to get it out somewhere. I'm not angry about anything, and understand reasons behind it all, but I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

Do I suck it up, find that inner strength that I know is in there, and do what I can with that month on my own? Do I run back to Canada with my tail between my legs at the one chance to prove this strength? I don't know. I'd like to believe that the first option is the better one, but logically, it seems easier to leave France on May 12, realizing that I've seen a lot of Europe already and ignoring Spain, Italy and Greece. I feel like I've got so much to say, like it's just all itching to just come out of me, but I can't assemble the words fast enough. This is not a big deal, this is not.... If I keep telling myself this, will it be true? I don't know.

I know this doesn't fit in with being a 'travel blog' ... I don't have any grand escapes this time, and there's no green-worthy pictures either. This is just me. The way many of you have seen me: panicked, confused, impulsive. And if you haven't been witness to that yet: welcome to me. I've been cheerful in this journal for 2 months now, and all of you should be proud of that fact. In fact, I've surprised myself with dealing with all the ups and downs I've had here with even an ounce of ease. I haven't broken down, I haven't been difficult - a trait I'd much rather not have.

So I ask anyone for words of wisdom, solutions, or any other ways to get me back home in one piece, but also let me see what I want to see. Seems like a paradox if I'm afraid of travelling alone.

P.S. I will very likely delete this entry tomorrow.

P.S.S. Hours later, I'm trying to imagine travelling alone.... It seems exciting (STILL SCARY!!) ... but exciting. But you know what else is super exciting? THIS (i.e. My future / Dream / I will do it!)

---

Comments

[The cZetyrboks]

Song of the Open Road
Walt Whitman (1819-1892) Song of the Open Road Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road, Healthy, free, the world before me, The long brown path before me leading wherever I choose. Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune, Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing, Done with indoor complaints, libraries, querulous criticisms, Strong and content I travel the open road. Read the complete poem at: http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poem/2289.html