A difficult decision

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After my phone conversation with Cecile and her suggestion of me staying in France to go to university, I suddenly found myself confronted by a very difficult decision: to stay in Frane for university or go back to Wales as planned?

It's true that when Cecile mentioned the idea, I considered it rather impossible for a number of reasons, one of the reasons being that I already have a place at Cardiff university to study French and English. But I was reminded that for God nothing is impossible. So what had once seemed like a path not even worth pursuing, suddenly became a path full of possibilities. But the big question of course was whether it was God's will or not?

The idea of cancelling my place at Cardiff university didn't excite me too much and but at the same time I knew that if it was God's will, I would have to do just that.

I had reached a crossroads; I looked one way and saw a certain path, already decided and mapped out with all the doors having been already opened. I looked the other way and saw a path full of uncertainty, challenges, adventure even. I figured God was testing me, waiting to see how I would respond after everything He's shown and taught me since being here.

And so I prayed and focused my eyes on God. I realized that I've come to a point in my life where my heart's main desire is to do God's will. I prayed so much that He would reveal to me what He wanted. I remembered the prohesy I'd been given in church of God giving me a new pair of shoes - did it mean that He wanted me to tread a different path to the one I'd intended?

I asked myself if the whole reason God had brought me to France to spend a whole year of my life was so that I could then go on to university in France? I know He's put this country on my heart and so I wondered if perhaps He wanted me to stay longer to bless France and fulfill the dreams and visions He's given me. Despite my reservations and fear about staying to study at a French university and all the barriers that I knew lay in my way - language, social barriers, finances etc. I knew that if it was God's will for my life nothing could stop me - He would knock down every obstacle on my path. And so I trusted the matter to God and waited to see how He would respond.

During my times of prayer and reflection I thought of the story of Ruth and how she had chosen the difficult path despite being given the option of walking the easier one. Was God expecting me to be like Ruth and take the harder road? (At this point that harder road seemed to go to university in France).

The first door that I knew had to be opened if I was ever to go to university here was whether I'd be able to cancel my place at Cardiff without paying the tuition fees. So on Monday night after my phone conversation with Cecile I rang up the UCAS customer services. No answer. I couldn't even get past the operater who kept telling me to press one. I tried a second time but still no luck. Was this the first door already closing or did I just need to be more persistent? But I knew in my heart that I didn't even have the desire to persist.

The second door was looking to see if there were any courses that I could do at the university closest to here, which is Strasbourg. Linguistics or French Literature. But neither courses really interested me. And plus I could barely understand what they were about after reading the info on the website. Not a great start.

But I kept praying and seeking God's will. I was determined not to give up at the first hurdles. I knew if it was what God wanted for me I would have to find a way. And that sacrifices would be involved.

On Sunday at the youth mission meeting I'd heard two of the girls talking about going to an open day at Strasbourg university so I asked if I might be able to come along too. Then the following day at school, a girl from church who I'd already spoken with about the possibility of going to university in France, came up to me and told me about the university open day. I wondered if perhaps God was telling me to go. But I figured it would be pretty pointless to go and spend so much money on transport to get there if it wasn't what God wanted. So I told myself I needed to have made a decision by Wednesday, as the open day was on Thursday.

Tuesday came and I still wasn't sure what to do. I had tried speaking to my mum the night before to ask her opinion but she hadn't been able to talk. I realized that this was a decision God wanted me to make alone with Him.

Then after some time of journalling God revealed a few home truths to me. He told me that it was no accident that I had been born and raised in Wales. He was the one who set me there. And Wales may not be the country I feel called to but it's still an important part of who I am and I shouldn't try to run away from that. I realized that if I stayed in France, it wouldn't just be because I want to stay here. It would also be because I don't want to return to Wales but by doing that I would be rejecting an important part of who I am. Before coming to France I longed to get away, to escape from Wales, a place I saw as dull and boring and only for old people. But God reminded me, as He has done so often since I've been in France, that one of the greatest revivalists came from Wales, a seemingly small and insignificant country.

After hearing this and listening to other things that were on my heart, I knew I had to return to Wales.

God also brought to my attention something I had thought at the youth mission meeting: my attachment to the people here and how I would love to stay just to get to know them better. Part of my desire to stay in France was to do with my attachment to this place and the people here. It was true that I was seeking God's will on the matter but I was also letting emotional things like that guide me too. So in some ways, staying in France would have been the easier path rather than the harder one, something I am becoming more and more aware of as I fall deeper and deeper in love with this country and its people. Going back to Wales in September will be so difficult and involve so much sacrifice for me but knowing that it is God's will for me gives me peace. As soon as I had made the decision on Wednesday I had peace in my heart.

God has also pointed out to me that just because I'll be going back to Wales, doesn't mean His plans and promises for me will come to an end.

God has given me His dreams and visions for this nation and I was quick to jump to the conclusion that I must fulfill those dreams and visions within the next few years. But God will decide the time and I must be patient and accept that.

I looked at the path leading me to Wales and saw nothing exciting, nothing worth pursuing. I thought that everything God has for me must be here in France but I was wrong. I may not see what God has for me back in Wales but that's where faith and trust come in.

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