Fast Times at Pattaya High

---

Dan’s 21st birthday. Dan was awoken in a considerably nicer fashion than Raf was on his birthday (ask for details). After waking up on the late side, we headed out to the streets of Pattaya in the late morning. Raf and I made the horrible mistake of picking up a bottle of sickly sweet wine that was cleverly disguised as beer at a 7-11 (before you label me as a lame American who flocks to familiar places of comfort, know that that’s all they had in Thailand). It was all too similar to goon, the drink of choice in Australia, so that was a major disaster. However, we were cheered when we found an amazing breakfast buffet tucked away on some little street. In some jet-lagged induced confusion, I realized that my breakfast consisted of pad thai noodles, fried rice, French toast, and chicken nuggets. I don’t know.

Then, the fun began. With a few drinks in tow, we headed towards the beach. There was a local guy renting out beach chairs for a few Bhat, so we set up camp and relished the fact that we were in Thailand, beer in one hand, letting the waves crash over our feet and taking in the scenery. From this point on, most of the stories of the day are better told in person, so ask me, but there are a few that I think I can convey here:

“Excuse me ma’am…sir?” - Fast forward several hours into the evening. Raf, Dan, and I are sitting on the beach again, doing more of the same, and all of a sudden, out of the dark comes this young woman in a white dress.
(broken English): Hehhlo! Where you from? Picture (holds out her digital camera)
Me: Hi, ok, sure.
Cue Raf taking a picture of me and Dan and her.
She then proceeded to squeeze herself between me and Raf, and just sat their in complete silence, watching us.

Very weird.

I look over at Raf, and the streetlight caught her face in such a way that I realized there was something terribly, terribly wrong. I shook my head, rubbed my eyes, and looked again, but there was no mistaking it: she had an Adam’s apple. A very prominent one. What’s more, there was a distinct 5 o’clock shadow on her lip. We had just been Lady Boyed! Apparently, parts of Thailand have a large number of transsexuals that are known as lady-boys. Consult Google for more information. So things starting feeling very weird, and Raf and I seemed to come to our own realization at the same time. Reaching for my camera, I was going to ask Raf to pose for a picture with him/her, but Raf was two seconds quicker on the draw, and before I knew it, this guy/girl had his head on my shoulder as Raf took a picture of us. At that point, it was time to leave, and one manly handshake later, we were out. It was a very cultural experience, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

“Gorilla Guerilla Attack” - At one point in the night, we had trekked down to the 7-11 again for another Thai Tiger beer. I looked away for a second, and felt a tugging on my hand. Assuming it was a beggar, I looked over but to my surprise, there was a monkey in my hand. A tiny, squirming, monkey. Apparently, there were two women would shove a monkey into your hands, take your picture, and demand money. So I took my beer away from its greedy paws and passed it off to Dan and Raf, who were equally as shocked. Only in Thailand would I be the target of some crazy monkey ambush.


“A Milton Bradley Birthday” - Sometime later, we found ourselves at some loud, obnoxious bar. After ordering a beer and checking the place out, I see Dan involved in a heated match of Connect 4 (not 5, right Dan?) with the barmaid. How or why this began, I have no idea, but I do know that it was hilarious. She let Dan win the first game very easily, and when she started up the second game Dan leans over to Raf and me and goes, “Guys, this is dumb. I already beat her.” Two games later, a shame-faced Dan realized that he got played, Thai style. Luckily, there was no money lost, just a little dignity.

There are other things that need to be told to the masses, but like I said, ask us to tell you in person. It was quite a day. Ask Dan what his favorite part was.


It’s been great hearing from everyone. I hope everyone is doing well. The Hanukah celebrations in Israel right now is making me miss Christmas.

-Kevin

---

Comments

[Money]

Gettin' Shanghaied in Bangkok?
Dayyyyyyum, she's quite a handsome woman isn't she? You always were pretty strange Kevin, never knew you were into this sorta thing though...

[Jim and Kay Autrey]

What a trip
Can't wait to hear your stories if and when you get home. Tennessee is going to seem so boring to you. Your El Paso grandparents, Ed, and Chorney will be here for Christmas. They'll want to hear these stories too. Try not to get blown up in Israel and elsewhere. And stay away from those funny-looking "girls".