...The Cult Experience

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Sawasdee everyone!

So, firstly... I tried to upload pictures at two different places in Bangkok. Neither place worked. Apologies!

Secondly, if I had written this blog two days ago, it would have been very, very different. Thankfully, I took a bit to cool down prior to getting online. However, if you are Buddhist, you may get offended. Just a warning.

So... I got to Suan Mokkh on the 30th and the retreat officially started on the 1st, although we were encouraged not to speak and had to turn our valuables in (i.e. music, books, etc.) when we first arrived at registration on the 31st. The accommodation was as expected: a concrete slab with a wooden pillow and a straw mat, complete with an outdoor, public showering.. hole. No big deal. Registration day went really well. I said my farewells to Elliot, as we knew the silence would begin that night and I was really enthusiastic about the retreat. (I found out a few days later, however, that Elliot wanted to scream the moment the guy said that the silence had begun... but I'm getting ahead of myself.) The first day was fantastic. I felt really in the "groove" of everything as they were explaining how to put your mind at ease and meditate. It's a 16-step process to Enlightenment, according to the Buddhadasa branch of Buddhism, but the first four are the most important. They focus on lengthening the breath, then shortening the breath, then becoming aware of your breath and then.. uhh.. something else that I can't remember. Didn't get that far. Basically, you're supposed to be natural with your breathing but constantly aware of it. You're also supposed to rid your mind of all thoughts, all emotions.. just.. let go.

The first day was so great because all they did was explain the process and allow us a little practice here and there. The lunch was amazing and the nighttime tea was freaking delicious.

Then everything started going downhill. Day 2 started out the same. (Everything was on a very strict, regimented meditation schedule which required you to meditate a LOT and wake up at 4 am and yadda yadda yadda. More about that later.) In the morning, we just meditated, had breakfast, showered.. the usual. ...Then we started the Dhamma talks. ...And that's where things started getting weird.

First, we had to listen to the head monk, who is absolutely and completely indecipherable. Can't understand a freaking word he said. (This was at 7 a.m.... after being awake for 3 hours already. Didn't help to keep one alert, that's for sure.) Then, we were forced (everything was mandatory) to listen to these tapes of some American guy translating Buddhadasa. They had a tinny, cultish sound to them and discussed the necessities of following the four steps to the path to Enlightenment. The awesome talks, given after lunch, were by this posh British monk that was the only source of humor in the entire place. But anyway. We basically had a talk, then had to do walking meditation, then sitting meditation (which requires you to sit in silence for 30 minutes while your legs go numb and your mind goes crazy because you're trying to think about not thinking and then you realize you've been thinking about something else for the last 15 minutes and that damn mosquito is buzzing in your ear and your arm is itching where it bit you... you get the idea). We had to do this same routine about 5 times a day. The meditation part was difficult, but it was the talks that got to me. The basic philosophy is that the one True path to Enlightenment is through this 16 step process that ends all suffering and rids you of all emotion because you have realized the ignorance of this world because you have discovered True Reality.

The theory is all fine and good. I'm not downing Buddhism in any way, shape, or form. Obviously, it's a very widespread religion and a lot of people have benefited from it. But to be told, day in and day out, for 5 days straight that THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO END YOUR SUFFERING... I'm sorry. No no. Do not tell me what I must believe to achieve a better life. I like my life, I enjoy my emotions (both good and bad), and the whole point of the retreat for me was to THINK about my past, my future, my friends, family, etc.. not to sit around and think about not thinking and rage and vent about how I do not agree with what is being preached to me but cannot argue against it because I cannot speak.

...Perhaps now you understand why it was a very good thing I took a day to breathe properly prior to writing this blog.

Anyway, long story short, Elliot left the morning of Day 3 after we had a conversation via writing. He also left me a note, which was the cause of a lot of laughter that was not supposed to be allowed and the restoration of my sanity. (Thank you Elliot.) I continued to go back and forth and back and forth, and was really quite conflicted in my mind about what to do. I had planned to leave on Day 7... and then on Day 5, I realized that I had already been there a week, and it wasn't getting any better and it hit me - I was only staying to prove that I could stay.. it wasn't actually benefiting me in any real way. There were two "final straws." The first was the interview I had with the head monk. Anyone having issues with meditation could speak with him, so I signed up, hoping it would help. The following is what I understood:
"Mumble mumble... suffering.. mumble mumble.. PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY.. mumble mumble... suffering." There was a bit about how, if I converted to Buddhism, I would not feel grief if my dad died tomorrow as well. ...I'm sorry, but I would really want to grieve if my dad died tomorrow. ..Just saying. (p.s. Dad, don't die tomorrow, k? I'm not Buddhist. Thanks.) Needless to say, the interview did not help.

The second straw was more of an epiphany. I was showering in my public shower hole and just suddenly was overcome with this feeling of "I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE". I hurried to finish my shower and went to my room, looking everything over. Then, I was hit with, "Oh my God... I've had more insight on a bus." ...That was it. I was over. I was done. I packed my stuff, went to the reception area, and asked for my valuables.

I did learn a few things, however. I learned that there are a few things I need to work on personality-wise that I didn't really realize were there. I also learned that, while I am not Buddhist, I really do believe in God and Jesus and the whole sha-bang, and I'm not ashamed of that fact. So that's good. The only real disappointment was the fact that I didn't really get what I wanted out of it. Someone I know (who I will not name) did a three-day silent retreat and sent me the sweetest email I think I've ever received from anyone in my life afterward.. and I really hoped to get insights like that one. Unfortunately, that didn't happen... but I do believe there will be a lot of buses in my future for more insight!! I also wrote more in a four day period than I think I've written in the past four years, and it is absolutely hilarious to read due to it's manic disposition and furious nature.

I just want to leave you with my version of our routine that I wrote out during my stay at The Cult:
4am: Wake up cursing
4:30am: Try not to fall asleep while sitting on a mat in the sand
5:15am: Yoga... ish. (long story)
7am: Fall asleep during Abbott's (head monk) mumbling
730am: Look forward to breakfast
8am: BREAKFAST!
830-1030am: Chores, shower, chill, THINK!
10am-12pm: Think about lunch and when I'm going to GET THE F@$* OUT!!!
1pm-230pm: Chill... THINK!
230-330pm: Listen to awesome posh British monk. LAUGH!
330-445: Look forward to chanting (which was absolutely hilarious because of this one lady.. but that's for another time. Little tidbit: She kept saying "You have to double up your spirit!" and I'm like, "Double up? ..As in a video game or something? Whaaaat?" ...Realized on Day 3.. she was saying DEVELOP.)
5-6pm: Curse chanting, look forward to tea
6pm-630pm: Curse the tea, because it's getting shittier by the day (pardon the french)
730-9pm: Consider leaving the next day, plan escape, look forward to sleep
9pm-10pm: Brush teeth, urinate, THINK about whatever I want
10pm-4am: Sleep intermittently
4am: Start over.

I spent more time thinking about how badly I wanted to leave and how much I objected to the forced preaching, that I really didn't get anything out of it. I also cursed more (in my mind) than I have ever cursed in my life. HOWEVER... I do think a lot of people DO get a lot out of it... it just wasn't for me. I would try it again for maybe a week at a different location that was less regimented. It was just this particular experience that did not work for me, personally. I wouldn't discourage anyone from doing something similar though!!

Anyway, I know I never got around to Muang Ngoi, the bus trip from hell, etc etc... but perhaps at a later date!! Hope all is well there. Heading to Chiang Mai tomorrow and looking forward to meeting back up with Christina!! Wishing I was in Miami with the girls though =) Miss everyone back home!!

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