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Published: August 13th 2015
Serenity. Serenity is a word that I believe we humans continuously seek to feel. For many of us, there are moments that nearly reach that perfect, serene sensation. For some, the feeling is unclear. My serenity was discovered underwater.
I'm someone who always has countless thoughts continuously circulating. Mental over-stimulation is my greatest strength, yet my greatest weakness. It perpetuates a constant desire to ensure that i'll lock in future flights to valuable moments, relationships, experiences and challenges. The weakness? The weakness is that this overdrive quite possibly has, does, and could affect my present. I've discovered that finding the switch to perfect this balance is the true journey. But what i'm realizing is that i've already begun this journey, and i'm determined and to travel the hell out of it, and celebrate the endpoint. Until diving, i've never, ever, been able to turn off the inevitable rolling storm of thoughts.
I know myself. If i'm going to try something new, that terrifies me on any level, I can't think about it rather I have to just do it. Scuba diving is something that scared the shit out of me prior to trying it. The thought of depending my
ability to breathe on some device alone provides me anything but comfort. Next, the idea of coming into contact with any freaky underwater creature is enough to give me the chillies. I can barely swim in the ocean without fearing marine life lurking beneath me, we all fear the unknown... right? I knew the only way I would conquer this is if I walk into the shop with everyone, sign up and literally block any words pertaining to my newest venture.
Reality hit me once the boat was anchored, and all the gear was on. Wetsuit, check. Goggles, check. Flippers, check. Oxygen tank strapped on... well fuck man, I guess this is actually happening. The first step was learning each skill by sitting on the ocean floor, and communicating underwater. It felt like only a few minutes before I quietly began the internal panic and hoped to god and all the deities we could surface. The most prominent part that struck was breathing. Finding the rhythm of breath with the oxygen tank is the main obstacle that I felt I needed to stomp on. I found that I have major difficulty trusting in something else for my survival, such
as anyone other than myself and the obvious, said oxygen tank. Then the moment came where we went under, and stayed under. Nevermind a nice warning that we'd seriously be joining the subculture!
Then it hit me. Serenity, that is. I thought I had serenity in my pocket this whole time, something that I wished the feeling for others to understand so badly. But I was wrong, dead wrong. The further along we went, the more I forgot about everything. All those ideas, and plans that i'd been contemplating, all those opinions and thoughts that had begun to control me, were at peace. I didn't have to fight to push them out. Serenity. I was in another world, immersed with different forms of life. Marine life that would never get a taste of my life, in my world. I had imagined what diving would be like. I imagined I would see some colorful coral, some fish and a few other creatures. Never could I have pinned what it really was. It was completely irrelevant to survival, there was no sense of feeding my desires on land, or the stress of preventing any possible factor that might lead to an
insufficient point in time. What I saw and felt was so much more than just "a few creatures". It was a core moment. A moment that I will forever hold on to. There's no way I can really manipulate this diving experience to be understood, and i'm sure that everyone who's done it relates in different manners and inhales different takeaways.
Simple. It was the most simple, beautiful moment i've had. No politics, no bullshit, no knowledge of the fear we live above, no pressure to prove that we serve an adequate lifestyle. Diving gave me the tools of simplicity and serenity. Acclimating to these new adaptations is work, but so far, I feel they're the ones that matter most. And that's just it. I think one of the things we want most is to matter, and to do something that matters. We freak out if we admit that sometimes, we just don't and we didn't. But to cut it straight, who cares? Swimming in the underwater world was a clear demonstration that dismissing the above for awhile has no harmful affect. Building the capability to abolish the human processes in which we insist on re-editing over and over
again, while joining the aquatic world filled with various communities of color, was the most remarkable feeling.
We, as humans, try so damn hard to plan. We calculate every movement and decision as if they serve as some form of insurance, that they will effectively reflect their intended purpose. The truth though is that the future is so unclear, and most of us are dying to know how to cope with that. So until we do, we maintain the actions of formulating these life scenarios actually believing that we can defy the uncertainties, allowing our premeditated "plans" to play out without disruption. I'm still learning how to apply flexibility to my calculations. The crazy part of it all is that the future I was confident in when I was younger is so far fetched from the future that I have planned for myself now. Admittedly, there were decisions that directed me elsewhere, steered me away from ideas I was absolutely sure I would have been living out. So what do we do? How do we grasp the strength to swallow our pride and admit that it's acceptable to change our minds, and redesign our story? Let me be clear:
Scuba diving, was NEVER part of my story until a month into Thailand, and it shifted all the pieces of my design... cutting some out and reconstructing the important ones. This simple day, was a mind blowing refresher course on flexibility and just how to utilize it.
At this point, i've learned that there is no outside critic screening your story and meticulously pointing their finger in your face as a warning that you've stepped out of bounds. Me, myself, and I, are the internal facets of ourselves, that we need consistent reinforcement from. These few hours devoted to the sub-culture enabled me to break away from these conventional details, and finally exhale the fair truth: The future is hazy, because it's supposed to be. Accepting the unexpected endeavors is how we survive. It's natural to have expectations, because without them, we make nothing of ourselves, and we have nothing to strive for. What I know now is that if we don't reach these desires in the anticipated manner, or according to our personal timelines, there is absolutely nothing wrong with tweaking the details and letting go. If you can learn when to let go, you won't need to
fear the disappointment of walking on.
It's amazing what i've learned from a world where communicating is just a mere vibration of motion and vision. I'm so curious to re-submerge into this subculture again to adhere to new flavors of possibilities, and accept risks that expand and eventually breakthrough my current threshold.
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D MJ Binkley
Dave and Merry Jo Binkley
Fearless
Fear means False Evidence Appearing Real and you didn't let fear rule your life or keep you from an amazing experience. I'm a diver and serenity for me is on the ocean floor, blowing bubbles with the fishes. So happy to read your adventure. I'll be going back to read more of your blogs. Please keep blogging and sharing your experiences. Thanks