Like a Zillion Things to Do for Bohol, part I

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1. After a taxi, bus, ferry, Scorpions soundtracked jeepney and a motorbike ride catch a glimpse of a cow in the dark on a dirt track that leads to the 500 steps which, hopefully in the end, will take you to the hippy jungle retreat Nuts Huts. Check into their "Honeymoon in Vegas" room.

2. The next day, trek back to Loboc to catch a jeepney to see the world's cutest or, more officially put the world's smallest, primate,the endangered tarsier. Refuse every argument that says that the tarsiers have bull sized eyes in order to catch insects when its dark. Instead decide that the tarsiers need night vision so that they can see the straw of their Pina Colada drink while they hang out by the pool in the night and feast on mangoes and strawberries.

3.Take a hike from the tarsier sanctuary through the jungle and wilderness. Rather disappointingly end up at a camp site full of tents. Then meet chief police inspector Jobito Santos and hitch a ride in a police van to Sikatuna. While you wait for your Jeepney to come, have a few drinks at the road side eatery. Listen to the inspector telling you how the crime rate is very low in Bohol (there is "minor rape") and how robbers always flee on motorcycles, which as it happens, you can drive drunk (if the coppers catch you they'll just tell you to wait). Refrain from suggesting that maybe the crime rate is low in Bohol because of definitional reasons. Let the inspector tell you that the only thing he knows about Finland is that there's free sex according to an unnamed movie he saw and that he's going to go to a school reunion in Disneyland Florida. But don't get him started on politics as he will tell you that "the only good muslim is a dead muslim" and that "a lot of people have muslim house keepers, but they will kill you in the end".

4. Enjoy some traveller talk. I'm quite sure "amazing in retrospect" is one of the best ways of putting it. I wish I had come up with that.

5. Get angry at Anthony and Leo because they want to go to the moon. Tell them it's just stupid and childish and that they're never gonna make it there. After realizing that you harbor such strong opinions only on people who claim to have seen a UFO (while sober) thank God that the world peace does not depend on you.

6. It's Sunday! Sleep in and then sample the erratic musical scene on the river boat cruises passing by every now and then. Have a little a chat with the nice Belgian lady of the guesthouse who at 1.30 pm says good morning and congratulates you on the long night sleep you are bound to have at Nuts Huts as their restaurant, the only one there is, closes at ten. Little does she know about the Tanduay rum stash! Then listen to Anthony hiss as he swears over the army of ants in his backpack.

7. Jeepney it to Tagbilaran to see a cock fight. Or fights. After ten dead roosters loose count of how many you've seen go down. They've got huge blades attached to them! Then learn that the fights between a brown and the occasional white rooster are not bloodier because the brown ones would go more nuts when they see a white one but just because white feathers compliment blood.

...to be continued

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