Taking the first step

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I'm starting anew here and yet I know not how to begin with. Plenty has happened, and a series of events happened one after another. All leading to one big adventure-the one that I've always been looking for.

In short, Jowynne sponsored me to attend Incovar. Met several people who inspired me to further pursue Buddhism. With that interest, I attended several Buddhist talks over the weekend. Met Jeff Oliver. He became my pillar of inspiration. Admiration turned into friendship. Jeff convinced me that life is an adventure, there are many things you can do if you have the will to do it. Then, I got a job.

Started working as a writer and then later, accepted the offer to take up the position of a PR Consultant. Corporate world didn't quite suit me. I was bored once more. My career is about survival. I have no interest and certainly was not driven by passion. Being a passionate person, things that you hate becomes a chore. You'd do anything to avoid it. I worked solely for the money. I lusted once again for a change. Life is becoming mundane. I thrive on change, not routine. Decided to start on a 3AM project with Mui Han. Invited Jeff to join the bandwagon. Then workload piled up; no time for personal projects. Starting to burn out. I'm barely keeping up with my job or even my social life. All I wanted to do is crawl up, and sleep. It doesn't matter for how long. If I could, I would sleep forever.

Then, I initiated a break up with Andrew, my long time boyfriend of 5 years. Many people think I'm nuts. At first, I thought too it was a bad and impulsive decision. Doubt swam in my head for a very long time. I was unsure once more.In the end, I stuck on to my decision. I also realised that if we were still together now, he'd probably suffer of a heart attack. He wants a caring and loving girlfriend who promises him a future of joy together. I can't give that. Again, I'm a nomad. I love going around, gathering stories and experiences. Everything in my life is an adventure. Being stuck in a relationship will put boundaries to what I've set out to achieve. I cared for him a lot, but I cared even more about my restless heart and mind. I cannot bear to be deceptive about my real intentions. I'm an adventurer, not a housewife. If I will be a housewife, I'd be an irresponsible one.

Reading lonely planet forums gave me ideas. Westerners' tales of travels gave me hope once more. Adventure can be found if you seek it. But financial issues are tricky. I cannot do the usual round the world trips like the Caucasians. I envy them because their currency exchange is higher and, it's not crazy to drop everything and travel. Yet I tell myself, surely this cannot be the end of my dream. I sought out people's advice over the internet. One email led to another. I wrote to countless people: those who commented on forums; photographers and travellers who mantain travellogues; young guys with blogs and etc. Some replied some did not. Then it struck me that, if I want to do a round the world trip, I better start focussing on some cultural exchange. It'll be good to know someone in every country. I decided to hon my writing skills once again by correspondence. I searched pen pal websites, posted my own ads, etc. Again, some replied, some did not.
Not long after that,I had a steady stream of correspondence from beautiful people around the world. Their stories and their experiences strengthens my faith in beauty within diversity. Some shared very personal stories with me. We wrote as if we've known each other for years. And I thought, hey this person from the other side of the globe is pretty much like me as well. Take away their physical apperances, their language, their culture and the geographical boundaries; what's left are the same hopes and dreams. The same struggle to get by life.

Then, I came across an interesting post on the internet. Someone is looking for volunteers in Burma. This co-incides with my initial interest to backpack IndoChina. Not only that, this volunteer project does not request a single cent from you. All they needed is your compassion and your eagerness to help out. I have all that and I started writing to the person who posted the ad. And, he replied, much to my surprise! It was a very pleasant feeling to feel the connection between us. Z wrote in great detail about the project and how he feel about it. It was amazing! And I knew, at that very instant, I must pay them a visit!

And so here I am, becoming disinterested in work. Work is now meaningless. There is a greater source of joy out there. I can finally channel my energy into something that I've always wanted to do. No one can understand how excited I am.

Then, it dawned me that, while change is fun and exciting, it will also take me away from my comfort zone. Fear starts to creep into the corners of my brain. Will I adapt? Will I be lonely? Will they accept me- a naive young Malaysian traveller who has only enthusiasm but lack of everything else? I would surely stand out in Burma, for I don't speak their language or adopt different cultural practices. Yet, I would also stick out like a sore thumb amongst the white backpackers, for they have travelled far and wide.

What now?

The next round of change will take place when I tender resignation. I'm not sure am I ready for so many changes at once. While I'm an adventurer, fear still takes hold of me sometimes. I like the thought of change, but am not very convinced whether I actually prefer change to the usual comfort zone.

Will I stick around? Will the trip be another one of the biggest what ifs in my life? What if it stays as a what if?

Y

PS-Pretty bored in the office so started snapping away with Chomaine's jazzy new 350D SLR




Boss came in to make tea..haha!



Petaling Jaya's famous pork noodle stall!

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Comments

[ben]

cool.
Cool blog. Written with total honesty and integrity - it makes a nice change from the mindless boasting and ego trips. You will love Burma, it is a truly magical country. Enjoy.

[soup]

you are better equipped than you think
you go girl! that fear is unfounded. there is just so much more out there and as you take your first tentative steps into an unknown joy, you will soon see people, once you get past the cultural bits, are the same everywhere - they eat, rest and excrete. the comfort zone will still be there when you return - its not going anywhere. you, however, will return with a lung full of fresh air. the connection is made with nothing more than a simple smile.

[ying]

thanks guys
Today is my last day at work..you cannot believe how joyful it felt to be released from this endless cycle of work, pain and TGIFs! I'm finally digging my heel into my travelling dreams. Ben and soup, you guys have been extremely supportive. Thank you!