Don't Shit Where You Eat

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In this part of the world your right hand is used for almost everything: you shake hands with your right hand, you eat with the fingers of your right hand, you use your right hand to exchange money or goods. 'So why do you even have a left hand?' you may ask. Well, my friends, your left hand has only one job. And it is a shitty one.

The left hand is used, in cooperation with a hose, to wipe your arse. There is no toilet tissue between you and your ass, not even a measly one ply square. It's just you and a little trickle of water from a hose conveniently located to the left of the porcelain hole. But beware- don’t wipe with the hand that feeds you.

I haven't 'gone native' yet. I haven't even deciphered the intricacies of this practice yet. I still have many questions left to be answered: How do you spray your ass without getting water all over you? Do you have to take off your skirt to spray? If not, how do you avoid shooting your clothes?

How do you clean your hand after you have used it to wipe your ass? There is usually no soap and absolutely no paper towels (if there were paper towels this hose business wouldn’t be an issue). Sometimes there is a community hand rag hanging on a little peg that is still damp from the last person who used it for who knows what. I'm hesitant to use that.

If you use the sprayer, how do you dry yourself after? Do you hang around the ladies' room half nekkid until you air dry? I haven't seen that yet, so do the women just spray and go? Does the shitty water just absorb into your clothes?

There are many unanswered questions (I'm just glad I got my Hep shots before I came).

This is my suggestion: instead of having puppet making classes (yes- they offer those here) all Westerners should take a class on native toilet use. You can even get a little certificate of completion declaring "I can wipe my own ass!" Wouldn't the parents be proud! It's almost as prestigious as that UT diploma that I would use as toilet tissue if I had it with me.

Plus with this class you get something much more valuable than the sock puppet. Then again, the sock could come in handy. Just beware if you do opt for the puppet making class: do not share puppets. You don't know where that hand has been.

Now we come to the interactive part of the show. Everyone reading from home must participate in this little poll. Would you go native and use the hand and hose method? Or would you keep your Western values and pack tissues in your bag when you leave your house?

To answer just click on the 'Comment' button. You do not have to add your name and all answers will remain anonymous, but everyone must answer...

In a few days I'll let you know the stats. Who knows, by then I may have mastered the art of the ‘squat and spray’. If I ever do, I’ll be sure to post a step by step instruction sheet.

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Comments

[Minkey Number 1]

Lisa ate Pizza and got really nasty
I use my left for wiping and cooking right after. I continue to receive fan mail asking how I created this delicious paella, and I simply giggle knowing the real truth... I am losing my mind in Kota Baru...someone call the mall bc I am on clearance.

[aria]

TP
I would definitely pack my own tissues!

[William Shatner]

Yay
I would most definately spray down my arse with a hose. My guess is there's a perfect way to squat so you can spray it down and have most of the water end up on the ground and not in your pants. Should be fun getting the hang of that.

[kel]

grab some leaves
i say negative on the going native...i would either pack some tissues, any tissue sort of substance in my pocket and use sparingly...or if i had to i would grab some leaves off the trees and go to town that way. I am hesitant to use anything that begins with the word community...i barely trust the hygene habits of my friends, let alone total strangers who use a hose to spray their ass.

[anonymous]

take the paper
Until the supply is depleated and then... wipe thine own a**.

[dillo-wombato]

when in rome, don't listen to the romans
Use both hands just to be sure you always have the satisfying taste of yesterday's meal on your pallet. Honestly, I'd have a designated "shit shirt" hanging out my back pocket, two good reasons A) No longer have to worry about pick-pockets B)don't have to worry about that whole "sex slave" thing; well only one good reason I guess, you are going to have to wash the shit/piss/blood out of your clothes eventually. Is it too late to change my answer? Good luck, America still has two ply. Miss yall.

[Abbey]

That's Why Lefties will rule the world
No I would not go native. Just because something is culturally acceptable does not mean it's better. I am left handed. I use it for too many things to wipe my ass with. And if I tried to do it with the right hand, I would be thrown out of Asia for shaking a hand with my left hand instead of the right.

[anonymous]

Call me old fashioned, but I would go for the tissues!

[Nick and Nanner]

You need a donut
Nick: What happens if you only have one hand? Besides, you're American, do you give a shit about other cultures? Nan: You need that donut I told you about. Packing your own tissue is more important than embracing other cultures.

[LinaLand]

I gave the donut serious consideration...
and concluded that I would either have to carry it around in a bio-hazard bag after placing it on the floor here. Or if I deflated it for easy packing I would never be able to blow it up again. I don't want my lips anywhere close to anything that has been in the bathroom, let alone actually on the piss splattered floors... But a disposable one would be ideal.

[shits and giggles]

New meaning to the squirts
My feeling is pack up anything suitable for wiping...tp, paper, receipts, wrappers, etc., and use only when things are desperate. If the hose looks "clean" and not covered in someone elses feces, practice your hose technique. If, on the other hand, the hose looks like it has been around the block a few times...dig into the ration.

[anonymous]

I am Malaysia live in US
we used to carry our own toiled papar everywhere we go. You should go to Kuala Lumpur or Penang, you will like to better then Kota Bahru..

[anonymous]

Malaysian living in US
It is me again, Just wanted to let you know your Blog is very interesting and I have fun reading it It is good to see how things are like from your point of view. Enjoy yourself there.

[LinaLand]

To the Malaysian living in US
I hope that the people of the States are as welcoming to you as the Malays were to me. After Kota Bharu I spent 5 days in Langkawi and absolutly loved it. The people were so warm and hospitable! After I leave Phuket I'm going to head to Langkawi to explore teaching jobs...

[Timmy]

Go native
It seems like a nice little trickle of water up your ass might be pleasantly surprising, and who cares about germs. They weren't even "discovered" until the late 1800s to strike fear into the hearts of the weak (kinda like terrorists).

[mark]

TP was invented for a reason
...and what if you are left-handed? are you supposed to use your right hand to drop the kids off at the pool?

[sang-o]

whoa nelly!
i'm asian, but when i saw this kind toilet in a pit stop before another hour to reach Malacca while on tour, i took one look at it and said, " no way!" i did spend about thirty minutes waiting for someone who had a key to only "normal" water closet there. all the other women around me, tried to use the hole in the floor kind. i wondered how the Malay women pee-d. What with all those long skirts and all. i imagined that they raise their skirts,straddle the hole, and stand while doing their business. do they actually do that?

[mirul]

LOL
one of the funniest travel blog entry i ever read