Lovin' Laos

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After Chiang Khong, we crossed over the Mekong river into Laos, which was the next country on our list. We'd ordered visas and had no problems. I exchanged some of my baht for kip, which is also brightly colored and comes in very large denominations. The government police didn't give us any guff and we loaded into a pickup truck and were carted off to the dock. Firstly we registered our passports with the police while a man offered us some shabby looking smokage. I bought a kit-kat. The tropics are not a gentle climate on chocolate goods, but it was still tasty. I also bought a can of meat flavored potato chips because we were getting desperate. After a while we loaded onto the boat that would take us down the Mekong to Luang Prabang on a 14 hour journey. Mmmm. We loaded on and sat in the back next to a screaming Lao girl and the engine. The ride was uneventful but pretty, and we would stop here and there on the river to pick up or drop off passengers to these little bamboo villages that dot the landscape in the hills that surround the river. Sometimes we'd pick up or drop off sacks of rice. After seven hours of floating along, we'd arived at Pak Beng to spend the night, which is a very small one-street town that exists solely as a stopping point for tourists that take the slowboat to Luang Prabang... we'd arrived to a mob of hungry touts trying to sell us their guesthouses and hotels. We denied everyone because we had prearranged plans... well we thought we had prearranged plans. Actually we had to find one ourselves, so we were put into another truck and were taken to a place that we felt was actually a solid deal. Then we were taken to a restaurant to eat where I had some kind of meat. We met a piss-taking Scottsman who was pretty funny and a English girl who was doing her research on cultural beauty norms... and let's just say that I could understand why if she was trying to find ways around them... but that's enough of me being mean. We went to some Indian place to join some others, but the Euro-club were all talking together and they didn't care for our company anymore. We'd ordered some bread, but we got a burnt tortilla thing. We ate it and then we'd paid and left. That's when the generators kicked off and the town's power shut down, because they don't get electricity from power lines and just have to supply their own. I slept well and the next day we got back on the boat. You don't have to take the slow-boat, actually, you can take the "fast boat", too, which only takes five hours instead of fourteen. They cram about six or eight of you into this little motorboat and give you a crash helmet just in case. They're notorious for crashing and exploding, killing everyone inside, so we'd taken the slow boat; we also wanted to take in the scenery. We talked to a couple of people but things got dull quickly. One thing that wasn't dull was the scenery, as the day was overcast and there were clouds and haze up in the hills, so we took plenty of pictures. Finally, though, it just got to be too much, so Jackie-Boy went into the engine room to grab some scotch that he'd bought the day before. A Irishman and a New Zealander joined in and the bottle was gone relatively quickly, which wasn't good because it cost a good buck. But regardless, we were happy now and spirits were higher. Ryan also bought oreos, and I hadn't had an oreo in many years. I had three oreos. Anyway, we finally landed in Luang Prabang and arranged transport to a recommended guesthouse. We shared it with a man from California, whom we didn't like. He was just a textbook jagoff. We got to the guesthouse which was a very solid place and at a very good price. We didn't really have the money to pay her, so she just told us to pay tomorrow. Yeah! Actually, we did have the money to pay her... or Johnny did anyway. We went to a Laotian barbecue called "The Lao-Lao Garden". Primo place... if any of you end up in Luang Prabang for some reason, check it out. We ordered the traditional barbecue plate, where they take out the center of your table and replace it with a bucket of hot coals and then give you a bucket of hot water. I thought it was soup and began to drink it, but in reality I was a fool. It tasted good, but is actually used in the cooking process. Then they give you vegetables, a couple of eggs, and a plate of meat along with some pork-fat and you just cook it right there with some tasty sauce. It was extremely good. We also had drinks. I ordered plain Lao-Lao, which is rice-whiskey and tasted like rum. They give you two cups for the price of one. Jon ordered a blue thing, and Ryan ordered an orange thing. The orange was the best, so we ordered more of those along with another dish and a plate of more raw meat. We met some sexy dames from french Canada, but we didn't hang out. Jackie boy footed the bill (because he was the only one with money) and we headed to the night market, where we got some Laotian pride t-shirts. We also bought some nick-nacks for people at home and Jon bought a nice chess set. I bought some antique lao-katana. Oh, we also bought some lao-lao that had scorpions and snakes rotting away inside. Upon returning, we'd dropped a bottle and it shattered in the plastic bag it was in. We salvaged most of the liquor and tried it, which we have on film. It looked and smelled like the grease that comes out of a taco or a pizza puff. It tasted like death. We only took a sip and discarded the rest because it was terrible. We turned in for the night and prepared for the next day. We'd walked around town and ate a French bakery (the French occupied Laos). I had a bannana muffin and lemonade. It was top notch. THen I bought a piece of pizza to take on the road. Ryan and Jon got sandwiches. Then we'd gotten bus tickets for that afternoon and I spent quite awhile looking for a place to change my traveller's checks. I finally found a bank with sexy tellers and got my bread. We awaited our ride to the bus station and when we got there, we bought some more water and some more meat-flavored chips because it was as close to a non-rice product as we could get. We've been eating plenty of rice and noodles, though, so don't worry about us. The bus ride was 10 hours, and we weaved in and out all over a lane-and-a-half road. We'd round blind curves at speed while sounding the horn so children and other vehicles could vacate the street in time, all the while blasting Lao power ballads. On either side of the road was a bottomless pit just waiting to suck us in if we flew off the wet pavement. We'd stop for bathroom breaks, where everyone except for the white girls would get off of the bus and we'd all just pee on the roadside. I think it was a bonding moment for Laos and the United States. As it grew dark, we got out of the bus to eat at a truck stop. I had rice and tried squid-sauce for the first time, which is extremely salty. We met a nice man who sat with us, and then we bought more M-150's. In the darkness, it began to rain, so naturally we drove even faster. We made it to the capitol, Vientiane, at midnight, and went into town. We ended up staying in some government dormitory for $2 because they still had room. The next day we transferred to the tropical something hotel which I can never remember the name of. The book said it was popular with spies back in the day, so of course we were on board for that. The rest of the day we just took it easy. We ate well, and then went back to the room for drinks, where we'd witnessed the hilarity of Lao television and ended up on a rooftop swinging around the sword. We also had some tasty baked goods. That night Ryan and I wanted to go to a dance club, so we headed out. The place was absolutely dead, so we wandered in the streets. We found a small place called "Jokers" which was across the street. There were no white people here, strictly locals. We asked for drinks, but you have to buy it by the bottle. They love their scotch in Southeast Asia, so we got some of that. We were then invited to drink with a group of locals, which turned out to be a college teacher and his four students! We thought they were all the same age. We had fun talking and shouting and they even gave us Karaoke to do, but everytime we started the power was mysteriously killed. Everything in Laos closes early, so eventually we bid them adieu and they gave us their e-mail and said that they would meet us at another place the next day. We walked back and it started to rain. We'd been drinking heavily and were making nonsense videos in the streets. A tuk-tuk zoomed up with two smiling girls in back and they told us to get in... but we fought the temptation. Looking back, it would have probably been a great thing and cost effective, but live and learn. Hahaha! Nah. If they'd had a pizza back there, I would have probably gotten in and I would have been on cloud nine and worried about the consequences later. We also encountered a transexual for hire, but we just smiled and waved. We are men of integrity. Let's not forget that while reading this. We returned to the hotel and there were more smiling girls in the lobby, and the nightman tried to sell them to us. We declined gingerly and went upstairs. After a while, we went back down (Ryan was no long wearing pants) to go talk to everyone, but everyone had gone. The next day we had a full plate of securing plane tickets and other stuff (picking up our laundry), but it's all boring. So that night all three headed out to meet our new friends. THe place was dead and they never showed up, but all of these pretty girls started pouring in. Drinks were too much money, so we said we'd come back later. We went back to joker and continued our exploits and met a friendly Lao couple. We talked and he told us of a party that went on after hours because of the government curfew. He then had his girlfriend leave and told us to come outside. Jon and Ryan were talking for a long time and me being a man of questionable judgment, I was already on the back of someone's motorbike ready to go. Jon decided to head back. He (the guy with the bike) had a strange sense about him and he looked like he was seventeen. After talking to him for a few moments I'd come to the conclusion that he was completely and blatantly gay. Another guy on a bike zoomed up and talked with the guy I was with. He was flaming too. I'll put in the disclaimer now, I think it's perfectly cool, but when you're on the back of a guy's motorbike heading to some after hours party in a Laotian town, things get kind of scary. I was going to get off the bike but then we started moving and I was whisked away into the night by the two guys, leaving Ryan and Jon and the other guy we'd originally met behind. I started getting kind of scared. Then we were in front of an expensive hotel, and he was talking politics and giggling. I was just smiling and looking for a way out. Finally he asked me if I wanted to go upstairs. I just froze and slowly told him, trying not to offend him, that I only liked girls. He started laughing and told me that he didn't want anything from me and that he was with the other guy. He told me he brought me here because of the party and that there were plenty of girls upstairs. I just laughed too and apologized (spelling?) and offered him money for the ride, but he didn't want it and was just being nice. Ryan soon showed up with the original guy (Addy) and we were taken upsairs, where we wanted to find a smoking dance floor. Naturally, it just turned out to be a rooftop party loaded with white men and more, what seemed like, hookers. God damn. We tried to assess the situation, but we couldn't make heads or tails of it. We just wanted to dance. The dancing was horrible. We went back outside and walked into a hotel room area to try to make sure. We decided to ask addy, and asked him how much it would cost for both of us at the same time with only one girl. He looked concerned declined to answer, and we left satisfied after having horrified him. Ryan and I made it back. The next day, we'd fly to Hanoi.

Having lots of fun... and we're not sauced all of the time... only when the really cool stuff happens. We've been good and probably don't have any diseases... especially Ryan who is scheduled to be married. He has done no wrong. But really no one has. We've been gracious to the local people and smile a lot. Well, Jon scowls a lot, but that's his style. We're totally within the realms of restraint. Hahahaha!

Thank you for reading, and see you later!

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