In The Tubing

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For travellers Laos' apparently serene way of life is a tonic for the soul as it continues to function from its stock of French-era buildings and ancient Buddhist wat, despite its turbulent and secret history of war and revolution. During the period between 1953-1973 Laos became the stage on which the clash of communist ambition and American anxiety over the perceived South-East Asia 'domino-effect' played itself out and saw Laos rather disproportionately as the crucial 'domino'. Between 1960-1973 Laos became the the theatre for the 'Secret War' which saw the North Vietnamese funnel massive amounts of war material down the Hoi Chi Minh Trail in Eastern Laos and the US responded with the largest bombing campaign in history, this obviously in conjunction with the Vietnam war. The US finally withdrew from this corner of the globe in 1973 and within two years the communists had formed the Lao PDR (Peoples Democratic Republic), which continues today although the socialist ideals have been softened.

So, history 101 over, Northern Laos is visually beautiful; the contrast of expanses of emerald green rice paddies blanketing the landscape framed by soaring limestone karsts acned by the unmanaged vegatation that covers approximately 75%!o(MISSING)f the country and is bisected by the omnipotent muddy banks of the Mekong.

To pick up from where I last left off we had arrived in Luang Prabang, the former royal capital which forms a peninsula at the confluence of the Nam Kham and the Mekong rivers. Situated in the centre of town are the slopes of Phu Si (pronounced poo-see or pussy in a French accent), a 100m high summit dotted with temples, some old some new. It was worth the climb for the view at sunset over the whole town and some say Luang Prabang is the most beautiful town in S.E Asia but if you are some you are clearly wrong.

One of the tourist traps is the Royal Palace Museum (Ho Kham), constructed obviously as a residence for Laos' king in 1904. On display are a couple of american made cars donated to the king as a gift from the US as they were bombing the shit out of his country and then in the 1975 revolution he was exiled never to be heard of again - bummer. Tourist trap #2 - Wat Xieng Thong, Luang's most magnificent temple, magnificent it may be but there are no jokes to tell so I won't bother... Tourist trap #3 - the Hmong (hill-tribe) village night market; good for all your 'óne of a kind' hill-tribe arts and crafts which can be found in the same one kind in every one same kind, everywhere.

Onwards and South to Vang Vieng, a mecca for the phemonemom that is 'Tubing' and a backpackers rite of passage. People have actually died tubing but then again people have died swallowing bees and whilst taking a shit so its something not to be taken lightly - ''Oh My Buddha'' its definately not a family day out, its definately not Laos, its 'spring break' without the annoying american frat boys!. Essentially you sit in a rubber ring (which incidently we acquired on the 'black market' due to not wanting to be extorted by the operators, but they operate a cartel so it was all very hush hush and i felt like a was buying a slab of crack not a sodding rubber ring) and float down the Nam Song river in between drinking many Beer Lao' the ''Full Taste of Happiness" and being launched into the river from huge rope swings at each of the bars dotted along the banks and thus Lao quickly does become the ''Land of Happiness''. The mania migrates to a tiny island Don Khang when the sun goes down - evidently immune from law and subsequently a heavy user of the 'Bob Marley' air freshener, anything goes; weed, opium, mushrooms, crystal meth and even stories of people having sex in public whilst being serenaded with Celine Dion classics by onlookers. It was time to leave...

South again, this time in a two person kayak into central Laos and the capital; Vientiene - ''the most relaxed capital in the world'' and it certainly must be the only city in the world not littered with McDonalds, Starbucks or any of those annoyingly tasty but homogeneous multi-nationals - a reflection on its communist past and what will be the stage for its inevitable struggle to a more capitalist future. Having hired some single speed cruisers we took a day to cycle the whole city (Mad Dogs and Englishmen) taking in the sights and sounds. Patuxai - this is Vientiene's Arc de Triomphe replica... built in 1969 to commemorate the Lao who died in the pre-revolution wars with cement donated again by the good ol' USA of all nations to build an airport, they built this instead as a big fuck you - in their own words its even described as ''up close it looks even less impressive, like a concrete monster!''. Next! Wat Si Saket - the only temple to survive the sacking of Vientiene in 1825 by the Siamese just before the French moved right on in - I implore you to have a look at the history of this corner of the world', its a poster for resilience. Last but not least we entered Pha That Luang, the most important national monument in Laos, a symbol of both the Buddhist religion and Lao sovereignty; so much so an image of the main stupa appears on the national seal and... every bottle of Beer Lao. Having some time to kill we took a trip to Laos' one and only water park - their mission statement: we are fun! - they say a picture paints a thousand words so take a look at my photos but I could save you the bother and paint it in one: shite.

We continue our venture further south to Pakse at the confluence of the Mekong and Se Don and is the capital of the Champasak Province. We teamed up with a travel buddies after hearing the tragic news Michael Jackson had popped his clogs and motocycled in his honour a round trip of approximately 200km to Wat Phu Champasak - this along with the Plain of Jars is one of the most revered archeological sites in Laos and has been worshipped since the mid-5th century. Having arrived the guard wanted to rip us off, bargaining was futile so we turned around, he ate my dust and we came all the way back. I don't regret having not seen it; it was a matter of principle at the time and a stand against dishonesty.

A boat journey brings us into true Southern Laos and Si Phan Don, also known as Four Thousand Islands where the Mekong fans out forming an intricate network of channels and sandbars 14km wide. A natural marvel and a world away from Northern Laos, comparable to Tioman in some sense. We stayed a night on Don Khong, the largest and most populous of the islands and spent the day buzzing around on shitty mopeds through dirt tracks and in between rice fields. This path is certainly not so well trodden and the Laos kids go mad when they see a genuine 'vanilla face', although it may well be that i'm so far behind I think i'm the first. Another boat journey and we embarked on Don Det & Don Khon; beautiful palm fringed islands virtually on the Cambodian border. This is home to the Khon Phapeng Falls where millions of litres of water from the Mekong flow into Cambodia every second making this the largest waterfall by volume in S.E Asia - a couple of travellers have apparently died here, i had no desire to take a swim, if you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough. This is also home to our main reason for traversing this far south - the rare freshwater Irrawaddy Dolphin - with purportedly only 15 left in the wild mainly due to the effeciency and popularity of dynamite fishing. We hired a boatman with a deal of no see, no pay, but we were indeed lucky enough to see them, well I saw something at least. Now, I predict we were 9m above sea level, so given the formula 1.17 x the square root of height of eye this equates to 3.51 nautical miles to the horizon. There is no need to factor in the height of the dolphin as all I saw was a ripple at what i now predicted was at least 2 miles away, apparently the Irrawaddy dolphin, so yeah I paid...

Laos. Done.
(minus my flip-flops... who steals flip-flops?!)

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