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Published: September 16th 2008
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Reasons why Japan makes us sad…
1. The toilets - Never before did we think that the humble loo would become such a symbol of angst and anxiety for us. Electronic toilets sound a whole lot more awesome than they actually are. So many functions, so little good functions. Our hotel (and we use that term loosely) bathroom was a fairly standard model - unnecessary running water when you sit on it, a disturbing ‘shower’ function - which gives you a ‘personal’ shower if you get our drift. Very distressing. The deluxe versions come with these features and many, many more… Warmed seats, musical options to mask unseemly noises, personal deodorisers and electronic touch screens. The whole rigmarole requires extensive reading of toilet instructions, apprehensive approaching of the cubicle and the unsettling feeling that at any moment while you are using the device it will either a) electrocute you or b) bite you.
2. The streets - Tokyo is a nightmare to navigate. Japanese people don’t believe in street signs - only the major arterial roads are named. All other roads are just ‘blank’. Addresses are impossible to decipher, with random numbers and suburbs listed (i.e. 8-6-8 Ginza -
which may mean block 8, row 6, building 8 in Ginza (a locality), or it could mean aisle 8, row 6, building 8 of Ginza). There is no rhyme or reason to it. Added to this, is Tokyo is a horrid place to wander through. In other cities, even if you are in transit to a place in the city, there are interesting things to look at along the way, even if it is just the architecture. Tokyo is not like this at all. Imagine a really dull strip of Sydney or any other place that is all business (I’m thinking Wynyard). Somewhere that is all grey, all office-y and all the same essentially. Tokyo is like this (with a few, very few, exceptions). Walking is not pleasant, nothing keeps you amused because it is like drone colony almost everywhere. Added to this unpleasantness is there are almost no trees unless you are looking for a specific park. Nothing is ornamental. To us, Tokyo could be just about CBD-anywhere with Japanese characters. Not cool.
3. The birds - Yes, this is odd. Tokyo is full of crows. It is massively disturbing. Crows are a scary bird. No pigeons, no
seagulls, no lush tropical birds... just crows. OK, so Tori acknowledges a fear of birds generally, but it was distressing for everyone. Imagine the situation: It was almost thirty degrees, dry and miserable. There are no trees, nothing interesting or remarkable and the only sounds of the city are the cars. Every twenty metres or so a crow would sit on a window ledge or traffic light and well, crow. It was like being in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and these birds were the harbingers of your untimely demise. It was not cool.
4. The Godzilla Statue - C’mon people, this is like one of the coolest things to ever come out of Japan… and then destroy it. Tokyo has honoured its greatest enemy with a bronze statue in a random square in Ginza. This is the beast that took on Tokyo Tower and won. This beast deserves our highest praise and accolades (especially seeing that Tokyo is so crap, Godzilla should be recognised as the first sensible monster, at he set about the task that someone else should have done a long time ago - destroy Tokyo.) So imagine our disgust after trekking through this God-forsaken place looking for
our mutant lizard king to discover that Godzilla is represented as the size of a medium sized dog, the colour and texture of an over-ripe avocado and everyone is ignoring him. It was very disappointing. Come on, we had just spent the day in horrible dry heat, hassled by crows and witnessed a monotonous parade of buildings hawking nothing but international brands which you can see anywhere. This is how they repay us? They are just jealous that they have no clock in their hat. Ok. So by this stage Tori was upset and on the verge of tears. She sobs “I hate Japan”.
5. They love the French. Ok, so the French have done some cool things - excellent cuisine, great landscape, awesome art and architecture, interesting culture and history, Paris etc etc. But seriously, why do the Japanese love them so much? It is really odd. Almost nothing in Japan is in English, but an awful lot is in French. You can buy French food, French books, go to French-speaking classes, wear French clothes and fly to France with the greatest of ease in Tokyo, but do you think you even look like an English speaker without
getting a confused look? C’mon people. Weird, weird, weird. It seemed to us that maybe after Japan got over being both isolated and war-mongering, they decided to look at the odds on which language would become dominant - French or English. Looks like they picked the loser and have a lot of ground to make up. Imagine someone who chose Beta over VHS and then HD-DVD over Blu-Ray. Suckers. There is nothing wrong with France, we just found this odd.
6. No one can relax. We were in Tokyo over a weekend - in summer. Imagine what people are a) doing and b) wearing in Australia on sunny Sunday in say, January? Well now think of the opposite. That’s what Tokyo residents seem to do. Everyone is impeccably dressed, and to an extent this impressed us. It pushes it a bit too far however when you are talking business suits and stocking heels on a Sunday afternoon when partaking in the local sport (shopping). Who needs to look like they could conduct an international conference call when taking the kids to the local toy store? And more importantly, why isn’t everyone outside enjoying the weather - oh, that’s right, because Tokyo is a miserable place, which makes you feels like you are peering into your own death every time you leave the sanctuary of inside. Think of the crows, the crows!
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