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Published: July 23rd 2007
"You talk about banging women and getting drunk. Therefore you are not gay."
In order to add a little more variety, I will talk about a really bizarre (and funny) occurrence at work.
On tuesday night, I decided to do an all nighter with my cousin's as we drank, drank, drank and then did some karaoke (my first time). Because I was with family, I had no pressure of scoring and it was a very relaxing change of pace.
However, Wednesday morning I was seriously regretting my choice as I basically stumbled into work. I was crashing hard, almost passing out in the train, so before I went up to my office building, I went to a kiosk.
"Energy drink onegai shimasu."
The woman behind the counter looked at me quizzically. I tried miming it out. But how the fuck do you mime energy drink...especially when you're falling over in sleepiness?
I tried a synonym. "Genki-drink onegai shimasu" (Give me one vitality drink).
It ended up costing 3,000 yen. An absurd amount ($30US), but I wrote it off as my office is located in Marunouchi (equivalent to nyc's 5th avenue). After downing it in one pull, I dragged myself up to work.
For the first thirty minutes, I was sluggishly banging on the PC, then all of a sudden I got a burst of energy and I got hard. Yes, I got hard. Not one of those "oh, its slightly excited" hards but like Anchorman Ron Burgundy hard. I turned left, then turned right. No one had noticed. Good.
Now for this problem...I wasn't thinking of anything in particular...Maybe it's just the weather I decided. I tried willing it down...nope. I tried to relax for a full 5 minutes...nope. I tried pushing it down...Ouch!
Now I was panicking. I had never gotten this hard before and I had no idea what to do. I turned to my fellow intern, M. He's a regular Japanese guy in that he's too shy to talk to anyone, so I have no qualms about informing him of my situation. In a whisper, I told him "chotto mondai" (I got a small problem).
M: "Nani" (what)
M: "Oh...Oh...chuo mazui jyan!!" (Oh shit!)
G: "shhh...shizukanishite" (shut the fuck up!)
M: "Naze?" (why did this happen?)
G: "wakaranai" (I have no fucking idea)
That's when M noticed the empty bottle on my desk and started reading it. He started cracking up. I put two and two together and figured out what was going. I snatched the bottle from him, but being unable to read japanese, all I could read was "STRONG!". Oh shit...
G: "Nanpun de owaru?" (How many minutes til it finishes?)
M:".....10 jikan" (10 hours)
M is now laughing his ass off (which shows how hysterical the situation is-a reserved jboy laughing out loud). I am slowly getting redder and redder...I'm contemplating making a dash to the bathroom but quickly reject that idea. It would be as suicidal as a white boy running through compton seeing as I'm in the corner of the lowest floor and the bathroom is on the 2 floors up-I would have to dash through every single dept in order to reach my sanctuary.
My neighboring co-worker comes along to ask wtf is going on seeing as M is rolling on the floor. He picks up the empty bottle, reads it, and gives me a quizzical eyebrow raise. "I think you should go to the bathroom" is all he says. Then he joins M rolling on the ground
M lends me his bag, which I place in front of me as a shield and slowly (due to the pain) walk up to the bathroom. Of course, having the luck I do, I meet every single person I have met in the company so far on the way up and they all silently question the bag I'm holding in such a peculiar matter.
I finally get to a stall, bust one, then two. It shows no signs of falling. I call up my three guaranteed hits but of course everyone was doing something else. Plus, I was still on company time. M gives me a call to say that the whole dept was awaiting my return and if I have any self respect or dignity...leave now. Being the challenger that I am, I tried to valiantly obscure it by untucking my shirt and sagging my pants a little. I also had the bag as extra protection.
As promised, the whole dept was waiting...but were mildly disappointed to see me walk so confidently in. I quickly slid into my seat with the bag on my lap and pushed my chair in...
In my haste and panic, I forgot the perverted weirdness that is Japanese culture, as they all encircled me, ripped off the bag and slid my chair out.
I ended up excercising 5 more times that day. Finally, at 4:30, it settled down. As a result of the day's activity, I did not have a single thought about girls for 3 days. I also could not walk normally for the same time frame.
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