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Published: November 10th 2007
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Meditation collegues
left to right: Eevi, the Indian lady who called us "daughters", Mariko So some of you are asking about the course, and if I have been able to last through the 10 days of
speechlessness. Well yes, I have. And the talking restriction was the easiest it turned out. Sitting
cross-legged for several hours a day and trying not to let my mind dwell on the most unlikely
thoughts... that was a little harder. Especially since there was someone playing very loud Hindu music
almost all the time somewhere nearby. It troubled us all, but when someone asked the teacher, he would just reply "ah, just ignore it, just focus on your sensations". So forget about the silence. Lucky that I had my earplugs with me, at least that helped a little sometimes. Aside from the music, it was a very peaceful area. No traffic, no chaos. Makes all the difference.
The first 3 days is mainly aimed at developing a "sharper mind", meaning one develops the ability to
sense very subtle sensations. On day 1, we just had to focus on the breath going through the nostrils,
on day 2 we had to focus on the sensations inside the nostrils (like the temperature differences of
incoming and outgoing breath for example,
or the touch of the air against the sides of the nostrils,
etc) and on day 3 we had to limit the area of focus to the "mustache" area. I hadn't slept the first 3
nights. The first 2 nights, my mind was too restless, and the third night, the music went on non stop
through the night. I was considering to leave. How could I possibly stay focussed, being so tired? I
went to tell the teacher, but it was too difficult to remain solid in my intention to leave. So he
convinced me to stay with only a few words. The 4th day was a little easier again, because we could
finally start focusing on something else than our breath. From now on, the instructions were to feel
the sensations allover our body, BUT we had to try and maintain our posture for as long as possible. At
least 3 times a day for a full hour. I never lasted more than 30 minutes. First we would scan our
bodies part by part, area by area, then several body parts at the same time, but symmetrically, and
finally the entire body. But that is only the technical part.
Lucknow - The Regency
The lights are lit every night in this building. The story says the spirits of the people who died here still linger in the building. It did have a special atmosphere. While focusing, one has to remain aware
of the impermanence of the sensations (lots of pain in the legs and back from maintaining the position,
so heavy sensations - masochism?), and thus the impermanence of everything else in life. Every
situation, every feeling, every state of being is constantly changing, so why get attached to them?
Basically, by evaluating your sensations objectively and not reacting to them with aversion nor craving
("be equanimous"), you should learn to feel less personally involved in your own cravings and
aversions.
I'll forever remember the beginning words (on a cassette recorder) of each meditation session.
Imagine a deep slow voice, speaking Inglish (=Indian English) :
"Sta-a-a-rt aga-a-ain.... with a calm and quiet mind..." My mind already protesting: "What do mean calm and quiet, my mind is everything but calm and quiet!"
"Focus on but be sure to remain pe-e-erfectly equanimous with the awareness of aniptu-ure aniptu-ure aniptu-ure (impermanence)" "how can I be *sure* to remain equanimous? It never lasts more than a few seconds before my mind goes off to wondering if I am doing it right or not... Help!"
"Be very alert, very persistent, very diligent... be very alert, very alert..."
And then the teacher would press the stop button on the cassette player...
The biggest problem is that it is extremely difficult for me to keep my focus when meditating. It
always has been. I have had serious problems with that while I was sitting there. On day 7, I was again planning to leave the course, because I felt I couldn't concentrate well enough. This time, I went to the teacher with more determination than on day 3. I told him that I feel I was not making any progress because of my inability to focus. He said that he could "see" the progress in me on a material level... Whatever :-O. It convinced me, but I let go of trying to focus on moments when I could feel it wasn't going to work. Many times, I got angry with myself while meditating, for not being able to focus. But getting angry with myself is an aversion on itself, and the purpose of this course was to not react.
Aversion is a reaction, but how could I remain "equanimous" to my inability to do what was expected (to focus)? So I felt like I was stuck in my own mind. Afterwards, when talking to the other people, I
realized that every student was facing this problem to some extent.
However much I felt like I was failing , the course did help me process some stuff. The things that
were troubling me before I came to this course, are still on my mind, but I am less emotional about
them. I feel happier and "lighter".
They say one should continue to meditate every day. An hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. That is not especially easy when you're traveling (in the chaos and noises of India) and you don't have a daily routine... so I'll just try to be more "equanimous with the awareness of *anipture
anipture anipture*" during my normal activities for now :-)). Whenever I realize my aversions are
becoming stronger than I'd like them to be, I go thinking "be equanimous - anipture".
Breaking the silence on day 10 was quite an emotional moment for everyone. We were only 7 Indian women at first, but 2 left during the course, so 5 of us made it to the end. One Indian woman had taken care of waking us up in the morning and serving our food and so on. She was a very strong but motherly person. We all liked her very much. The other Indian woman could not understand or speak English, so communication was hard.. but she kept on talking in Hindi to us Westerners, well knowing we couldn't understand her. We sort of guessed what she was trying to say, but no guarantees that we guessed correctly. She was very happy and called each of us "my little daughter". Sweet. And then there were the other 2 Western girls, both from Finland. Eevi had - coincidentally - already done a 10-days course in the Belgian center, and Mariko was a first timer like myself. It helped both of us that we were not the only western newbie. And I also think it would have been much harder if there had not been other Western women on the course. Sure, you're not to speak or seek contact in any way during the course, but it still feels comforting to know you're not the only total stranger and there are people that have more or less similar cultural backgrounds.
Among the men, there were only 2 westerners: a Swedish guy and a Korean guy. On day 10 we were allowed to talk to them, but still no crossing the border to the "other side". Even us ladies weren't allowed to touch still... Ah, well, I guess we broke that rule ;-)
On day 11, all us Westerners plus one funny guy from Varanasi took a shared taxi to Lucknow, and had a chai near the train station. It was somewhat surrealistic to be in the normal world again at first.. I felt much more distant from the noise and all that was going on around me, as if it was a movie scene and I was just a spectator. But that feeling was mostly over by the evening, as we were all getting very tired. We'd been up since 4AM after all and hadn't had any daytime rest like we'd had
during the course.
The Korean guy and the Indian guy had to catch their train to Varanasi by noon, but us girls and Josef
(Swedish) spent the entire day together, as our trains left after 10pm. We went for lunch in a not too
crowded restaurant, went to a cybercafe just to indulge in our regained ability to communicate with the
outside world, walked around on the "Residency" area (a parc with ruins of Maharajah buildings that were destroyed in the fight for independence from British rule) untill it was time to have dinner and head towards the train station.
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Martine Kveim
non-member comment
Recommending the centre?
Hi, Thanks for sharing. I loved to read your story. I am thinking about doing taking a course and are in search of a centre. Would you recommend this one? Best regards, Martine Kveim (Norge)