4. Life's too short to be un-happy..

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Since I last wrote I have moved capsules (don't waste any time me ;c) I'm now above the communal area, which isn't as private but I think I'm gonna be happier there. Been feeling a bit low & lonely actually, which is understandable. I suppose I was expecting to feel part of the community here.. but I’m not sure this is a ‘community’ really, not in the true sense of the word. To me, at the moment, it feels like 3 families not functioning very well together. I suppose to them, I am just another visitor passing through.

Gonna try and put together an action plan for the next couple of weeks to cheer myself up. Must try and get the most out of being here. At least I'm having some time off the booze etc. I suppose. Gonna try and do some more work on the project 2morro.. do some native plant research I think, and get on the Yoga tip. Plus I must go visit some other communities, and see how they differ. Would quite like to go to the beach for the day also, but apparently it's not a good idea for me to go on my own. Will get stared at too much! How annnoying. Anyway.. there aint much sunshine!

It's much better living above the communal bit though, cos Jan and Praveen come and go so I've got them to chat and laugh with. Jan is this old quirky French guy, and Praveen is this young Indian guy who works at the Internet cafe. He makes good muffins! The power supply is better at the communal bit too, so I can listen to my music. Phew! Can't live without it. Nothing like a good dose of music to lift the spirits :c)

Plus.. the monsoon may well be over, the sun is finally starting to shine, which is good.

Went through Random Assembly’s at the Site Meeting.. which went down quite well. Was a bit mental though, as I’d asked the kids to join in too cos I thought it would be nice to include them in a creative thinking exercise. I spent quite a while making and drawing out a load of cards with all the elements/needs for the design. You then throw a dice, randomly place them together and then try to make a connection on how they could work together within the design 'multiple elements, multiple functions'. It was fun, even though it went on a bit too long.

I have to say though, the atmosphere here at EverGreen is really starting to effect me. There’s tension in the air, and for some reason I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I am beginning to feel un-welcome :c(

There is normally an ‘open meeting’ on Saturday nights, so I went over to Dave and Natasha’s to ask what the plan was. I was met with a really cold response of ‘we have some things to talk about, which don’t include you, but come back at 6pm'. Maybe I’m feeling a little over sensitive at the moment, but for some reason it really hurt my feelings, and also made me quite angry. Was I part of the community or not!? Was I a guest or a volunteer!? What the fuck was my role here, and what exactly were they offering me in exchange for my energy/donation?! And why hadn't anyone asked how I was? If I was happy? They had all started closing up on me.. and I was starting to feel like I was back in the school playground. All these thoughts have only served to increase my confusion & emotional stress.

So.. I've decided to make a change. I'm really not happy at this 'community' (and I use that word loosely). I've tried to offer all my good intensions.. but they've closed up on me for some reason. It's so rude! I'm trying not to be sad and angry, or keep going over things in my mind.. cos it's just attracting more negativity. So have made the decision to try and move to another community.

If there's one thing I've learnt recently, it's life's too short to be un-happy. And as most of you know, I'm actually very good at being happy :c) biOng!


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