Goals for China, Met and Unmet

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I've had a couple of interesting coversations the past few days about life abroad and goals surrounding it. Whenever one lives abroad, they have goals and dreams before they arrive. Perhaps they want to learn the language. Maybe they want to assimilate into the culture fully. Perhaps they want more satisfying work. Maybe they want more time to write or focus on another passion. Or maybe they just want to discover a part of themselves that either feels lost or unknown. These goals are often personal and not something shared. One friend told me how she'd gone to live in a European country for a change of pace. She didn't stay as long as her friends and family expected her to, and quite a few of them remarked that they're sorry it didn't work out. Some thought she'd really been on an extended holiday and not living a "real life." A few assumed she'd failed. While these may seem like logical answers, let me assure you, they're not. When people close to you suggest them, it feels offensive.

The length of time a person spends in a place does not correllate to their success there. Plans change. Goals and dreams change. I said I was coming to China for one or two years. It's been five. Does that mean I didn't accomplish my goals so I had to stay longer? No. I liked it. I stayed. If I had left after one year would that have meant I had accomplished all of my goals? No. Maybe China was the best place to start achieving a goal, but not the best place to finish it. Maybe my goals changed. Or maybe I achieved something private and personal and I don't want to share it. At the end of the day, it's the goal setter's idea and feeling towards it that matters. It's their life.

I had a few goals before I came to China. I'd always wanted to try living in a foreign country. I'd always wanted to travel and see things I'd only read about or seen on TV... or heard about from friends. A key moment for me happened in early 2007. A friend was showing me his photos of living and traveling through Argentina, the Antarctic, and then up to Machu Piccu. I salivated over his photos and his stories. As I looked out the window of the coffeeshop, all I could think was, "What am I still doing here?"

When I decided on China and the CTLC program I realized I had a few dreams that could perhaps be realized. Some were private, of course, but some weren't and shouldn't be. Some of them were complete successes, some only a bit, and one was a failure.

1. Learn Chinese.

2. Reunite with my university Chinese teacher. She is one of the main reasons I'm here and not somewhere else.

3. Slow down.

4. Live in a culture that doesn't promote consumerism as much as the US does and become less materialistic.

5. Figure out what's really important to me.



1. I wanted to learn Chinese. What better way to do it than to live in China? I tried to remember my lessons from when I was a uni student with little success. Upon arrival I went to Chinese classes twice a week and hired a private tutor. I tried to get out and do things on my own using Chinese.

Chinese is a difficult language to learn. Many classes focus solely on the speaking and listening and pay little attention to reading and writing. I decided to be self-taught in these areas and it's served me well. What I learned in my classes I used. The most frustrating lessons helped me to empathize with my students. That alone was worth taking the classes for.

It should be explained how complex the writing system is, which is probably why many teachers shy away from it if they know their students will only study for a year or two. There are thousands of characters and these combine in groups of two or three to form words or ideas. Tens of thousands of them. It takes a lot of dedication, study, and a good teacher to learn them. (None of my teachers were particularly strong in this area. I had one who had to keep looking characters up during our lessons. She didn't last long.) Your average graduate--depending on the source you read--knows over 5000. You need about 3500 to read a newspaper. And, of course, most of the words we learn our first few years of study aren't necessarily ones that would be found in most news articles. Yes, I have friends who can do this, but I have many more who cannot.

As for trying to get out and use my Chinese, well, that's another story. Many people look at my white face and want to practice their English. I can ask a question in Chinese and they'll answer in broken English. Or they'll run off and find someone to help me in English, despite the fact that I clearly speak some Chinese. Or they'll look at me like I have two heads because there's no way that I could be speaking their language. Or, my one utterance will convince them I'm fluent in both Mandarin and their local dialect and they'll rattle off an answer at me faster than you can blink, leaving me completely confused.

Two years later I moved to Peizheng College. My Chinese suffered. The locals all speak Cantonese or heavily accented Mandarin. Most people on campus speak English. I kept up with my private tutor, but without the constant reinforcement and practice outside of lessons, I made little progress. I think I digressed, actually.

So, to summarize, I learned enough to get around for daily life. But I didn't learn the language well enough to tell people I speak it.



2. I wanted to reunite with my old Chinese teacher, Zhang Laoshi. If it wasn't for her, I never would have fallen in love with China nor wanted to live here.

My second year here, with the help of a friend, I did manage to find her. And talk to her on the phone. She wasn't sure she quite remembered me, but was still kind. (She only had ten students for a year... I remember I felt hurt that she wasn't sure who I was.) I was still in Shenzhen and she invited me to Guangzhou for a day that weekend. However, as it was my birthday weekend (and I obviously had a lot planned) I said I was busy and asked about the next weekend. To make a long story short, we never met up and each time I called or texted her after that she never answered.

To say that I was crushed would be an understatement. But I am happy to know that she's happy and healthy and enjoying spending her retirement with her family.



3. When I was a sophomore in college I was friends with a British girl who lived across the hall. I lived my life down to the minute, micro-managing everything. I had to. I was busy. I was committed. I was passionate about so many things. I lived on adrenaline and coffee.

She commented to me one day in the student union that if I kept up my current lifestyle I'd have a heart attack by age 40. At the time I didn't believe her. But then, at age 20, one is invincible.

My 20's progressed and I kept up the pace. I worked two jobs seven days a week to make ends meet. I had a decent social life. Adrenaline and coffee were still constant companions, but they weren't as effective as before. I knew this wasn't the life I wanted. I knew this wasn't life. I wasn't living. I had to schedule time to stop and smell the roses. I was going from A to B to C with little room for waiting or hold-ups.

If I kept up with my current pace, I'd crash. Badly. If I tried to slow down, I'd crash in another way. Badly. I needed another way.

Since moving to China--well, Asia--I find I have time to wait in lines or for people. (Often, I have no choice, except in how I choose to feel about it.) I take time out to enjoy the simple things, to take in the small things otherwise missed by the steady pace of running around. I drink more tea than coffee. I actually know how to lay on the beach and relax and enjoy it. (A beach coma is a great thing!) Before China, such an idea would have filled me with dread because I wasn't "using the time well." My health has improved--I only have one cold a year versus the many I used to get or would fight to not get. My stress has gone down and I'm happier.

People who meet me now still think I can be an organized, over-planning, inflexible woman. Yeah, that's part of who I am and it's unlikely to change. But compared to how I was 5 years ago, I'm really relaxed and easy going. Trust me. This was one goal I met and continue to meet daily.



4. This one is interesting. China is a lot more materialistic than I expected. Fancy cars and mobile phones and LV bags (real and fake) are found everywhere. Most of my students say their goal is to be rich. They all want the newest and the best and they all want everyone else around them to know they have it. Even the day laborer or factory worker on the subway will be flashing his smartphone, while his feet are clad in plastic sandals.

But at the same time, there is a difference. My students want new, fashionable clothes, but many of them also wear the same brandname shirt to class every Tuesday. They might be wearing designer sneakers (or knockoffs) but it's the only shoes they wear. When they go home for a two-month holiday their suitcase would be a small carry-on hand baggage by American standards. Yes, they want more and they want better, but they don't expect to be drowning in it.

I remember cleaning out my apartment before I moved to China. I took several carloads of things I didn't want to keep to the Goodwill. Yet, I couldn't see any change in my apartment. Where was it all coming from? I didn't own stuff, my stuff owned me.

Since my original plan was to only stay for one or two years, I minimized how much I bought. I knew that at the end of my time here I'd either have to move it or toss it. Moving meant either paying to mail it or fitting into a suitcase. Tossing it felt like a loss of money, whether I gave it away or put it in a trash bin. Suddenly, having stuff was expensive.

When I made the decision to stay for another two years, I did invest in a few things like a DVD player and nice kitchen knife set. Much of what I use now was gifted to me by teachers who were leaving. This time I'll be giving most of my things away, but I am still quite pleased that I can and will fit everything important to me into two medium sized suitcases. And I still love that I can go on a five-week holiday with a nothing more than a medium sized backpack. It's quite liberating.

So while I didn't necessarily move to a less materialistic country, I became less materialistic. That was the real goal.



5. After my time here, living and traveling in different cultures, I've learned a lot about myself. I have a much better idea of what I value because I frequently have to explain it. There's less implied mutual understanding; my idea of "big" and the next person's might differ greatly. That's a small-scale example (pun intended), but it's indicative of other, more important things. Life shaping lessons. Traditions. Personal sentiments. Likewise, there is plenty about myself and what I value and think that I don't plan to share, on my blog or in person.

On the flip side, I've also come to realize that I have more in common with people across cultures than I would have previously guessed. Everyone wants to feel safe, cared about, and happy. We all value our families, friends, and our own cultures' traditions. We care just as much about where we are going as where we came from. We all think our ideas and beliefs have merit. No one is the best, no one is the worst; we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it just takes a little trust and a little less cynicism and great results come about. But it takes effort from everyone. Putting aside judgements and not assuming others are judging me has led to some of my greatest friendships and richest experiences.

This is more of an ongoing goal. So far, I think it's going pretty well.



I'm not sure what the future will bring and I'm not even sure of my next set of goals. Some will stay the same and be ongoing. (Obviously, not the first two.) Of course, the biggest goal in life is to be happy and fulfilled. Somedays this takes more effort than I care to explain, but it's always worth it. I hope my next few years will be as rewarding and great as the past five. My China years.

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