Burning

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My right hand literally feels like it's burning. It's been eight minutes and I can still feel him there.

This evening I went to the Salon to hang out with Cam when he got off of work. I wrote this while I was waiting: To some extent this group of boys and my relation to them is exactly the same as my Indian group of boys. They have never been this close or spoken this much Chinese with another foreigner. there is no other girl who knows them as intimately, these boys will walk around in their speedos around me as if I were their grandma but they would never think of doing it around another girl. Take, for example, the other day when I walked in to find Eason cooking dinner with no shirt on. He had no problem with me being there but as soon as he knew Hui was at the door he went back and immediately grabbed a shirt to put on even though it was hotter than heck in the kitchen. They both accept me as another guy to such an extent that if I act like a girl they freak out, I'm wearing my black spaghetti top that ties around the neck to hold it up today. I have no classes so I'm not wearing anything else and as I came over to the boys they flipped. If they were hispanic they would have been doing cat calls throughout the mall, that was basically their reaction. "What's Darby wearing?!" "Wow!" It's not that it's inappropriate here. They see many women wearing this and don't flinch. So why do they freak out when I'm doing the same? Because I'm beautiful. I think not. Simply because it's a side of me they see so infrequently that it shocks them into realizing that I'm a girl. Just like me wearing a skirt. I should wear a dress one day and see how much they flip out.

When his class finally ended he said to me "what are you doing here" in that "i don't know why you are here" way "it's too late". Eason told me "he's just angry don't worry about it he'll be cool in a minute." So I went outside to relax for a few and give them some time together. I ended up leaving the Salon with Eason, Alex and Leason. Camillo called "where are you?" the background noise was the same so I knew he was practically right behind us. I told him and he said "why are you going to my house?" I said "because" and hung up on him. Then Eason decided they were going to go to their new place and check it out to see how it was so he called Cam back and Cam said he'd catch up to them if they waited a moment. He came skipping towards us singing the whole way and by the time he got there they were all joking about masturbating. It was quite a little change of character. With what I'm wearing tonight Cam said to me "why are you looking so sexy tonight?" They then joked around about how I just wanted to feel like a girl tonight. It took a little while for us to find Cam's place but when we got there they all settled in and chose a room. I felt pretty left out and ended up with that feeling that no one really wanted me there and I was kind of invisible. In the end it ended up giving me the feeling that Dalian was a place I was not to come back to. Now the funny thing about this feeling for me is it's one that I've only gotten a couple of times and so far it's just meant that the place that I'm in at that point is one that once I do end up leaving I'm not going to return to for quite a while. This is not to say that I'm planning on leaving Dalian soon just that when I do leave it "for a while" it will be for quite a while.

The boys and I had barbecue together at the local restaurant that Russell introduced me to near my home and then the three of them all left to go home. Camillo stuck around for a little bit not really feeling like he wanted to go home and feeling a bit under the weather. So we both talked out some of our problems. This whole thing about having met Kendra and Genie has really made them come up with a lot of questions. The boys were all asking about whether two girls can have sex earlier and whether they can have it with another guy (3-way). When Camillo was finally alone I told him how there are many times when I feel sexless, like I am not someone that would want boys or girls and that it's impossible for me to get a boy or a girl here. Camillo said that there are a lot of lesbians here in China, just mostly all closeted. He said that he himself understands the feeling of being gay and that if he were in a situation where he wasn't attracted to anyone he would be gay. I told him he was bi and he said "I don't think so, not right now" which I take means he doesn't understands bi's right now. Later he will. He told me that he read a book that said that gay people were either born gay or they had something that happened to them when they were really young in their sex life that made them turn away from that particular sex. I've never heard that before but I think it might have something to do with why I'm bi. It makes sense anyways, for me at least. I told him that was why I was scared of guys getting close to me physically sometimes. His response was "but not me". I said "Cam, that's because I like you." "I like you too. But I don't love you." "I don't know if I love you. I don't know who I love." "American people are like this skewer, in the water they get hot really fast." "No, American people are just like Chinese people. We just seem to go into a relationship faster because the relationship is like water. At still there is nothing at all but friendship. In America if the water gets any sort of wind then we ask to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Once the water gets rapids and bubbles out of control we ask to marry. The only difference in China is you wait until the water gets rapids and bubbles out of control to ask to be boyfriend and girlfriend." He had no comment about that, until later that is. Then we talked about him possibly going to Europe over America as it is very complicated to go to the US. On the way home we held hands. For the first time ever with Camillo, I held his hand. That is a pretty freaking huge step for Cam. I laughed when he was holding my hand. "In my country you are the girl. You are more of a girl than I am. You are the girl and I am the guy." "That is because I am a fashion artist" he said. He gave me a hug good-night and I told him I'd see him at one tomorrow to start on Martin's hair.

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