Paranoia

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So, I get off the train after 8 hours and it's not raining. I'm stoked, I'll I've heard is that Beijing is fucked with rain. I get out a cig for victory and bam! Starts to down pour and I don't have an umbrella or jacket and my bag holding laptop and other shits is starting to get soaked. I run to the taxi line with 1000 or so other wet Asian people hoping a shit load of taxis will shows up and save us all. This doesn't happen and after 20 min I'm drenched and the line hasn't moved. During all this time you have dudes who drive normal cars offerring you rides and crazy inflated prices cause "A" your desperate and "B" your a foreigner and "C" they think your retarded. They assume you have never been to where you are going and have no idea how much it should cost. It's a clusterfuck of stupid shit with these guys(this is also a good way to get swindled out of a shit load of more money is they are crooks). Well I got desperate and I'm a foreigner so I pulled out the little Chinese I know and bartered the hell out of them. They started at 200, i started at 25. They said I was stupid, I agreed. This went on for a bit but because the longer I sat there the more I got soaked, we finally agreed on 100 with a guy I thought had an honest face. We shook hands and I felt good about myself. We went over to his car which was a sick Audi so I was stoked. I put my bag into the trunk and got into the front seat. At this point my mood changed. When I closed the door I noticed two things. First, you know that thing by the window that shows if the door is locked or not, that was missing...from only my door, as I looked around. It made me think that, if he locked the door on his side the only way I was getting out was through the window. Second shit that freaked me out was that when I was checking the other doors I noticed another dude in the back. Yeah, fucking bullshit. First: I think he must of lost the ability to smile as a child cause his face was like iron. He was about 30 and looked normal but his face said fuck off. I played it cool though I had the movie hostel playing in my head. We started to drive and I started trying all the Chinese I knew hoping that, if these guys were bad dudes, that just maybe they'd think I was cool and let me join their gang or some shit instead of robbing me. The driver tried to answer some in English and the rest he just said stuff to iron face in the back who gave nods of agreement while looking at me. After a bit of silence I pulled out the map to the hostel hoping these guys would think I knew where I was going if they took me to a warehouse or something. The dude in the back leans between the seats and offers me a cigarette. A bloody gesture of "I'm not going to kill you" in my eyes. I take one and he closes the box. Now I'm already on edge with these dudes and what keeps running through my head is "why didn't he take a smoke too" he just gave me one and didn't have one himself. I'm off the paranoid bridge at this point and I'm thinking he is giving me one last smoke before they swindle me orthe smoke is laced and I'm going to wake up without my spleen. Who gives a smoke to someone but doesn't have one themselves? Worst smoke I ever had, only smoked half and I could have sworn he watched me the whole time. Now your thinking "josh is a idiot and none of this sounds that fucked, just two dudes in an Audi that wanted to help a white kid" but I had just been on a 8hour train ride, hadn't slept the night before and had eaten some sweet bread at the station, my only meal in almost 24hrs. So I finish my smoke and I'm sitting quietly and we drive in heavy rain when the dude, iron face, speaks. Now I know this sounds like a lie but its totally true. He says, in clear English, "where are you from?" and then snaps his fingers. I'm like "ca-ca-canada." he says, "how long you here?" and snaps his fingers again. Then he starts talking with the other guy like crazy and after everything he says he snaps his fucking fingers. It was like he was from Asia's west side story or something and it freaked the shit out of me. They talk, he snaps, I play it cool constantly thinking of escape plans. Suddenly we pull into this stadium parking lot and I start saying "boo yoaw" (no want!) and anything I can say to express this is not the place and that I like keeping life the way it is. The dude in the back gets out and the driver just looks at me and waves me to get out. I'm confused. Iron face then opens the door from the outside. I step out not knowing what is going to happen next....and then he suddenly smiles, shakes my hands and moves my bag from the trunk to the back seat, where he was sitting. What the fuck. I start feeling like an idiot and wave goodbye to snap snap iron face as he walks away in the rain. I close the door and I look at the driver and say "chai yo" (let's go), he says, "yee buy woo shuh" (150). I looked outside and so did he. I weighed my options. Option A: I say , "boo how, tai gway la" (no good, that's too expensive), I pay him the hundred we agreed on, and get out of the car, into the rain in a city I don't know without weather protection. Option B: "Doay" (ok!) and I pay him only the 150 when we get there or if he asks for more, throw one fifty in his face to blind him and run away. Eventually we get to the hostel. I was happy because I was a little right ( he slightly swindled me) and I could go to bed. I payed him and left.

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Photos

The rain...
...it ain't so bad.

Comments

[Linda]

Paranoia GALORE
Josh, what a way to start your holidays!!! At least you got out of it relatively unscathed, and happy as hell to see the hostel finally. If only you hadn't lit that first cigarette it might not have rained so hard. Ha Ha. That's a joke. I am guessing we are going to see lots of interesting blogs from you. Just take care of yourself, please!! Love, Auntie Linda

[Olya]

Taxi
Oh wow, I am leaving for Beijing in less than 24 hours and yesterday I convinced my colleague to secure a ride for me from the airport. After reading your blog, I was soooo happy I did that + you are an amazing writer. This is hilarious :) Have a great time in Beijing!