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With my blogs, I aim to capture out of the ordinary experiences, travel off the beaten path, provide insight to local culture, and highlight alternative perspectives. From a worldly, cultured standpoint, the epitome of a conventional, predictable, and an uninspiring escapade would be to take a cruise. However, I am sure that if you stumbled across a four night cruise to the Bahamas for less than $250 leaving from a nearby port, you couldn’t resist either.
Never having been on a cruise, I had some preconceived expectations. I imagined I would spend the entirety of the cruise on the top deck, in a lawn chair with a Miami Vice in my hand (half piña colada half strawberry daiquiri). Occasionally I would dip in the pool to cool off and if that got old, I would read a book or take a nap. By the time the stars created their dome overhead I would warm up with a dip in the hot tub and maybe switch to coffee and Bailey’s. In essence, it would be the epitome of a vacation filled with ample time for relaxation and all of the personal and mental space I could ever ask for.
How
wrong I was.
Boarding Preparing to board the enormous beast was a spectacle in itself. We were late, so we luckily did not have to fight through crowds of family reunions, wedding parties, and honeymooners. But the people trickling in with us heightened my curiosity.
We had entered an unexpected fashion show highlighting what appeared to be people from the “Top Rated” section of the website called the People of Wal-Mart. One couple looked like they had just rolled out of bed in their mixmatch flannels and slipped sandals on over their already sock-covered feet. One woman wore a large, faded, 90’s vintage Minnie Mouse shirt as a dress covering her floral leggings. Her bleached blonde hair was at one point up in a ponytail but now wisps of blonde intertwined with the dark roots of her scalp, flailed around her face and were magnetically drawn the blood hue of her lipstick. A young family made their way to the line. The mother pushed an empty stroller that swarmed like a discombobulated beehive. Children darted out in all directions only to circle back in. The father tolerated the chaos as I could see him
tolerating a swarm of mosquitoes that could not be fought off by either waving, screaming, or spraying copious amounts of bug repellant. Two African American women a little older than us wore tight silver and gold sparkling shirts and carried large knockoff handbags. Their hair was slicked back. One look at the swarm of children behind them and they were walking very quickly towards the ship despite their high heels being one inch short of the adult entertainment variety. An older couple rushed in and chattered eagerly with the attendant. It appeared as if they had missed their African Safari themed cruise and would have to settle for ours. The mean weight of the remaining passengers was shockingly on the verge of morbidly obese.
Once on board, Jhene and I went to our room to drop off our bags. I opened the door and Jhene squealed to find a swan on her bed. I was relieved to see that it was not a live swan but rather one made out of a towel. The room was small but laid out efficiently with two twin beds, rather than the advertised bunk bed shown online.
We gathered in our designated
meeting room and went through the safety briefing which took almost an hour. I was a little disturbed that we didn’t actually get to practice loading into the lifeboats, especially considering most passengers’ inability to follow basic instructions for filing out of the room and up to the deck where the rafts were housed.
Once back in our room we found a 4-page itinerary on the dresser.
“Holy crap. They sure have alot planned out for this trip,” I said as I thumbed through the brochure. There were live shows, comedy shows, karaoke, workout classes, large chess games, bingo, free shots, the list went on.
“I know!” Jhene said thrilled. “And that is the itinerary just for tonight!” She began to look through it anxiously.
It turns out that the Carnival Cruise line had a different plan in store for me. The ship was stocked with multiple restaurants, cafeterias, bars, a bingo hall, a casino, live musicians in various locations, a karaoke bar, night clubs, a piano bar, a miniature golf course, pools, hot tubs, a workout center, a spa, and lord knows what else.
I hesitantly revisited the menu of options feeling mildly overwhelmed.
I finally gave in. “Well, the ‘free shots’ event looks like a good one.”
There was no mistaking the location of the free shots. The line blocked the stairwell as we came up from the fourth deck. After waiting in the line for nearly 30 minutes we got to try two shots each. The use of the word “shot” was extremely liberal; the actual size of the cup was not much larger than a thimble.
Dining We strategically signed up for the late dining which started after 8:00 PM. The logic behind this was that there would be fewer children in the dining hall and fewer children roaming the ship before dinner. We sat with nine other passengers- three groups of friends and family. Jhene had raved about how entertaining previous tables had been on her other cruises, but our group was very docile and casually chatted. Each night a photographer would cross through the dining hall and take photos of everyone, the second night a pirate even accosted passengers. A few people requested not to have their photo taken, but after much harassing and ill-said words, it was clear that photos were not an
optional part of the experience. They print them all out with tacky boarders and displayed them on one of the floors of the ship. If you wanted, you could buy one for $10 a photo.
Each night we had a different menu of appetizers, salads, soup, main courses and desserts.
“You can order as much as you want!” Jhene whispered to me before she placed her order. “I will try the sweet potato bisque, the crab stuffed mushrooms, and the caviar. For my meal I will have the fillet mignon.”
I tried to swallow my disbelief and then ordered the stuffed mushrooms and the Indian curry.
They brought the food out one plate a time. As quickly as Jhene finished one course, the next was placed in front of her. Some of the items she had only a bite of, waving away the ones she did not like as much or deemed not worth the calories. A few others followed suit.
It was clear that food was the main purpose of this excursion. People lounged in a cafeteria open 24/7 and ate limitless amounts of soft serve ice-cream and pizza. For lunch they had the
choice of multiple all you can eat buffets, salad bars, and desserts. Everyone was living for the next meal, or I suppose more so the continuous meal. Walking by tables you could hear casual conversations of “getting my monies worth” or “I am so full, but I haven’t tried the chocolate torte yet.”
Jhene had it all figured out for us. We would use the stairs everywhere we went instead of the elevators. We were about seven floors down from the main activities. In the end, by climbing these multiple times a day we in no way came close to burning half the calories we ate. To our credit we did go to the fitness center…once.
On Board Entertainment The second day I saw that they had a nightly LGBT or Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transgender meet up. I showed up just a few minutes past to find the lounge empty with the exception of three guys at a table. Two I had spotted the day before, your typical fairies fluttering through the crowd. It was clear no one else was coming so they downed their drinks and left before I even ordered mine. The
following nights were even more dismal.
The first full day we went up to the pool. It was like Memorial Day weekend at the YMCA when the outdoor pools opened for the summer. There were children flailing in every square inch of the pool. If I had not seen water splashing out in all directions, I wouldn’t have believe that there could be any in there.
Todlers were covered in water wings, suckling on lollipops, splashing passerbyers, greasy with sunscreen and inevitably peeing at will. Since the pool could not hold them all they infiltrated the two hot tubs. Horrified, I stood at the rail looking over. I was not getting in that.
My vision of relaxing in the sun was also shattered as wet children ran through the decks like monsoons, screamed at the top of their lungs, and crying because they couldn’t also have their ice cream cone in the pool.
All was not lost. That evening, Jhene and I discovered the Serenity Deck. It was a 21+ deck with two hot tubs right on the back of the ship.
The ship provided services to cater to every possible type of vacationing consumer.
Elephant
Each day we had a different towel creature waiting to greet us. There were shops and stores selling everything from souvenirs, clothes, jewelry, and electronics. You could buy bottles of liquor on board, however you did not get to enjoy them until the final night of the cruise (they wanted you to buy their $8 - $10 cocktails). There was an art gallery and surprisingly enough, there was even a library. This is obviously not a popular destination on the ship because it was only open for one hour each day. We did not venture into a single one of these areas minus the art gallery which was in a hallway and unavoidable.
Shore Excursions While at port, the cruise line had set up dozens of onshore adventures for the big money spenders. Passengers could spend hundreds of dollars to pet dolphins, go snorkeling, ride jet skis, or even do all three. None of these were in our budget.
Bahamas: Freeport On the first day, we ported in Freeport. Jhene and I got off the ship and walked around the immediate tourist trap at hand. There were little shops, each showcasing a different arrangement of the same souvenirs, hello kitty woven hats,
Pool Deck
This is early on the first morning after most passengers left the ship to explore Freeport. flowery dresses, and rastafarian knickknacks.
We wanted to see what Freeport really was like beneath all of the tourist hype. Our plan was to rent bikes and cruise to town. By the time we got to the rental place there were only two bikes left. Both had flat tires.
Still determined to go into the town, we looked at a map. There was a International Bizarre that caught my eye. We had the option of taking a $4 bus ride, but decided maybe a walk would be good and headed for the road.
“You need a cab?” A slender dark figure asked us from under a wicker hat.
“Nope, we are going to walk,” We responded.
He looked puzzled. “Where to?”
“Town,” we said as we walked away.
As we passed the security gate I popped my head in, “How far would it be to walk into town?”
He stared at me as if I were the first person to ever come by not in a moving vehicle, “About three miles,” he said. Take a left and then a right.”
“Thanks!” I said.
Three miles?No problem.
Kassiks in hand,
we started our trek. Within just a few minutes a van pulls over and rolls down the window.
“Where you walking tuh?” The driver asked amused. She was all smiles and had a hearty vibrant face which mildly resembled a Rastafarian Queen Latifa.
“We are walking to the International Bizarre!” I said.
“We need to walk off all of that food we have been eating!” Jhene added.
“Its 20 miles!” She said, “That’s a long way!”
“Oh, we need it.” I responded. I assumed like any tourist trap, cab drivers would say anything to lure you into their shop, restaurant, or in this case, cab.
“Alright,” she said as she shook her head, laughed and drove off.
Soon after she passed, another cab stopped coming from the other direction. We gave him the same spill.
“You come to the Bahamas and what you tell your friends?” He inquired,
“You just to say you looked at the industrial area?”
“We want to see the real Freeport,” Jhene reiterated.
He drove off confused and frustrated.
I started to wonder why they were so adamant. On the cruise ship I was
quite astounded by the mean weight of the people on board, thus I assumed that the people in the cabs were used to the foreigners who didn’t walk, didn’t bike, and didn’t climb Flat Top Peak two or three times a week. But, for christ’s sake, it was only three miles folks!
So we continued on and decided to have a little fun with it. When the next cab stopped by I told him we were looking for the native koala bears.
“For...what?!” He laughed.
“Koala bears.” I reassured him with a straight face. “We were told we could find them here.”
He gave us a hard look, laughed uncomfortably and drove away.
We were the reason why Americans get such a bad rap.
We continued to walk. The road was desolate and fewer cars passed. No one was stopping anymore. We walked by abandoned shipyards, closed construction sites, scrap metal yards, fenced in water storage containers, and loading yards. For an industrial place, there was little movement. The Queen’s Highway was a ghost town.
We decided to cut through a side street that appeared to lead to the Sunrise Highway. This “highway”
Posing infront of our ship
Can't keep that girl off the poles! was just as much a highway as an endless country road to nowhere. It went as far as we could see with no traffic lights, stop signs, or intersecting streets whatsoever. There were no trees, uncultivated fields on both sides, and occasionally another abandoned building. In the 30 minutes we spent walking down this barren, heat stricken side street only a few cars passed. There were no cabs and we did not dare stop the cars that passed because they looked as if they stopped they would not start again.
By the time we walked into the gas station we were getting odd looks. We were obviously off the tourist tack as locals seemed puzzled by our arrival on foot. We were the only caucasians.
“Whey yuh come from?” the lady asked us from behind the glass-enclosed counter. She stared at us with either worry or extreme confusion splashed across her face.
“We just walked from the cruise ship.” Jhene said. “We are trying to get to the International Bizzar.”
“Yuh walk de wronge way” She told us. It seems we should have stayed on the Queens Highway. She called us a cab to bring us
Our Cruise Ship
At the port in Nassau the rest of the way. “I tell ‘im to pick yuh up here.” She said.
“Thank you.” We said and then purchased our frozen fruit bars and waters. It was time to cool down and hydrate as we waited in the gas station parking lot.
Our cab driver thoroughly enjoyed our story of how we got to the gas station. When he dropped us off at the International Bazaar, it looked like the abandoned set of a low budget film. There were deteriorating decorations made of plaster, murals of faded paint and empty corridors. There were areas marked as representing the Mideast section, French section, Oriental section, Scandinavian and the South American section, but a majority of the shops were closed and the occasional one that was open was selling the same gifts and trinkets we saw at the stands right off the cruise ship.
After about 15 minutes we were ready to leave. The parking lots were empty. Since there were no tourists in the International Bizarre there were also no busses that looked like they were going to the cruise ship. We walked out to the park-like area that stood as an island amid the
parking lot. There was a pavilion with local older men playing cards, dogs laid basking in the sun, younger men relaxed in the shade at a picnic table. We inquired with them about the best way to get back and a man offered to take us in his cab. Twenty dollars later we were back at the ship.
Lesson learned: Just take the $4 bus ride to town or don’t get of the ship.
On Board Entertainment: Karaoke That night there was a duet karaoke contest in the karaoke lounge. I was on a mission: Find a male who knew and was willing to sing Phantom of the Opera.
I approached two younger men at the central bar drinking whiskey and water. They smiled at me blankly.
I saw a family with two boys about my age dressed in blazers. They looked cultured. Though one was a singer. They were from Mexico and we could not come up with a duet in english we both knew.
At dinner, I even asked the one male at our table. He was there with his sister. Before we had even introduced ourselves on the first
night, I requested the photographer get a photo of the two of us and told him we were on our honeymoon. Upon my request he laughed and said he was not a singer.
I did not end up finding a partner beforehand, but everyone I had approached ended up at the karaoke bar that night, including a majority of our table, the two men from the bar, and the entire Mexican family. There were no entries, so the duet contest was canceled. I did however manage to talk the male host into doing the duet with me. It was a good time.
Nassau, Bahamas The next day we ported in Nassau. We went to Senior Frogs and met up with the two guys from the bar. We played trivia and got free shots and sung Karaoke. We sat on thonged bar stools, swings and benches for photos. Jhene and I walked around the shops to get a few needed items. The streets were littered with the same trinkets we saw in Freeport.
The sun was out and we were ready to get in some water. We took a walk along the shore in search
of a public beach. After a few blocks we found a small plot of sand that opened up into Junkanoo Beach. The two boys came with us and one of them did not have swim trunks so I let him borrow my skirt as swim wear. It worked well. We spent the afternoon in the cool and clear water.
The cruise overall was a new experience. In the end it was not as relaxing as I had hoped and in all honestly I was appalled by the amount waste that was generated from the uneaten food to the paper and ink from unpurchased photos. Most of the passengers were from an overindulgent lifestyle I was not accustomed to or regularly exposed to. I am glad for the experience, but I doubt I will partake in another. Unless maybe it is 21+ or had a really cool theme.
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Bette Morrison
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Your trip sounds amazing.