Chapter 1: The Belly of the Beast

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6:30pm - Khao San Rd., Bangkok - Four-Sons Village Guesthouse and Restraurant

Second day in and I'm sitting in a guesthouse bar satiating my only remaining drives: beer, cigarettes, and food. I checked into one of the busier inns near Khao San for some god-forsaken reason. It's full of muscle-shirted, masturbatory, dickheads. There was an interesting enough story to it though, I only picked it because I had to piss so bad and it was the closest thing I could find-hilarity ensued.

I stopped at the counter and asked for a room. The front desk worker dismissed me pretty quickly after determining that everyone in line behind me would be faster customers to deal with. It was only my second day here so even the minor language barrier was tenfold harder for me to work though- I hadn't learned the accents yet. Trying to be polite I took a seat but it wasn't long before I was back at the counter shuffling my feet and trying to hold back the deluge in my pants. --Note to self: if your hands shake when adding hot peppers to your meal, do yourself and your bum a favor and pick something else to eat-- Sorry, back to the story. After some debate, I get my room and key, and thank god because time was running out and there wasn't a public toilet in sight. I looked down at the key, lucky me, it's on the opposite side of the building and on the top floor.

I rushed to my room, or what I'd assumed would be my room, and pulled out my key. Good Lord in heaven, the levy was about to break. The way I fumbled with the key reminded me of those movies when you see someone panicking and they drop the key to whatever they're trying to unlock and you think, "Yeah right, like that would ever happen." Well...it does. And let me tell you it's the worst feeling ever watching that thing hit the ground. After a 30 second eternity it became painfully clear that I had the wrong key and I was faced with the decision to down my water and let loose right there in the bottle or to try and find the room this key actually belonged to.

I grit my teeth and went for option #2, I'm not sure why I did, my foresight must have been clouded from the adrenaline and sheer panic. This became even more clear as I blindly tried to force my key into the nearest door (not mine, or the one the key belonged to). I'm not sure what my reasoning was for thinking ti would work, the room was obviously occupied. The do not disturb sign was on the doorknob and I could hear people talking inside. Door #2 was an obvious failure and I rushed across the hotel again with the most awkward looking gait Thailand has probably ever borne witness to.

Finally I found the room the key belonged to, "A305". I whipped out the key and with the utmost care so I didn't drop it again I threw open the door. I walked in and looked around. The room was very obviously occupied. There were clothes everywhere (women's), backpacks strewn about, and the tv was still on. I'm lucky it was unoccupied at that moment because damnit, I had a job to do!

I stormed through the bathroom and forgot to even put the toilet seat up (which I ended up covering in my own piss) and let loose a pee that felt as though Poseidon himself came bursting forth from my loins. Several minutes later I finished and shook myself off as I let out a sigh of relief. Reality quickly sank in when I realized where I was, the actual tenants for this room could be back at any second and I was in no mood to explain myself. Forgetting to even clean up the mess I made, I ran out of the room and locked the door behind me. I went down to the front desk and got the key to my actual room and everything was okay.

Khao San was actually kind of a turn off to me. So much so that it initially made me question my decision to come to Thailand in the first place. Morons and scammers and about every other personality archetype that deters me were running rampant. However here I sit, faith renewed, at a bar next to a pretty blonde European girl. I'm drunk, I'm happy, and this place ain't half bad. I picked this place because they were playing a Jack Johnson playlist and it reminded me of my high school days a bit. It was a nice change from the bumping dance beats resonating out of all the other bars in the area. The music inevitably changed to some "My Heart Will Go On" house-mix interpretation but I will forgive. I think I'll stay here for a few days and see what else these side streets have to offer...

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Comments

[deleted_46288]

'Muscle-shirted, masturbatory, dickheads'...yup, Thailand has plenty of them....
Great blog.....keep them coming....oh and welcome to TravelBlog by the way :) Nick TravelBlog Moderator