Conspiracy: Yes, There Is One

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The message you are about to read is top secret. Do not share this with the general public. Do not let anyone see you reading this. Do not share this file with the FBI. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.

You are holding in your hands a secret. A terrible secret. A secret so grim, so warped in its bearing, that I can scarcely bring myself to tell you of its existence. It's a secret I have stumbled across, quite by accident, quite to my own detriment. In short, I have discovered the world's conspiracy to destroy Leeza.

Over the last two weeks, I have survived near amputation of my foot, a second bout of food poisoning, rejection by all my peers, and this morning, AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. The first one you know about, the second and third you don't need to know about, the fourth you do:

I have a Saturday morning ritual. Weekends are very hard for me, because I have to get up at 6 am to teach eight classes for eight hours straight. It's sort of a drain. So I like(d) to come in to KFC in the morning and gear up with some very unhealthy, but oh-so-inspiring foodstuffs, including coffee and a sausage patty.

This morning I did the same as I always do. I sat down in the corner of KFC to enjoy my fresh food and be stared at by the local population. And oh, that patty came fresh alright. It came LEMONY FRESH.

There is an episode of Spongebob Squarepants where he and Mr. Krabbs conspire to give a false health inspector a disgusting sandwich. They later discover that the health inspector was indeed legit, by which time they have nearly killed the guy off through a variety of means. The crabby patty itself was doused with every nasty chemical and toxin in the restaurant, garbage, dirty socks, etc.

That's pretty much how my patty arrived this morning. It was a Crappy Patty. It arrived less piping hot than it should have been. When I opened the wrapper, I smelled the cleansing agent right away; thinking it was coming from elsewhere in the store, I took a bite of the sandwich. Realizing that it didn't taste the way it normally did (and I made the mistake of swallowing it), I then disected the sandwich only to discover it was swimming in oily, soapy lemon-scented bubbles which made me feel unwell for the next four hours. My body still aches, and I'm not sure what the potential ramifications of this are.

I don't know how this happened--if it was deliberate or accidental; if it happened on the KFC premises, or sometime in the factory; if the Patty has other contaminants on it or not. I would assume it was an anti-foreign attempt on my life, but that's just a guess. I did not possess the language skills to rectify the situation, so instead I just took the patty around to show everyone at work.

*On the positive side of life, I have been able to walk on my mangled foot for the last three days, and I now have a Chinese name. You say "Yenza" and it means "bird". This message will now self-destruct.

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Photos

This is Made of Poison
The lemony-fresh perpetrator.

Comments

[Alan]

Krabby Patty
Years ago McDonalds was advertising a new cheddar chaeese and mushroom burger. It was one of their first specialty burgers. Boy did it ever look good on the advertisements and in the posters on the windows. So I went to the drive through and got one. My first clue should have been the musty smell on the 5 minute drive home. So I get home, mind you I'm really hungry, and I tear open the bag and what do I see? I see a badly moldy bun containing a cold gray hamburger, a gray mushroom sauce (not mushrooms like in the ads) and a orange-ish gray runny cheese sauce (not the ever so slightly toasted cheese slice from the ad). I threw the whole bag out, including the fries. So I had saltine crackers and pickles for dinner that night.

[Global Drifter]

...With Double Crap.
Good thing you weren't stupid enough to take a bite of it, the way I was. I guess these things are inevitable with fast food chains. I'm sorry, I have to go throw up now.