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Published: March 23rd 2006
Leigh
Indicating her feelings about hanoi...I hate Hanoi. Ok, maybe hate is a strong word that should only be used to describe my feelings towards brussel sprouts. I think meeting Hanoi was like that first date that gets off on a bad foot. All day we've been going from one maddening situation to another. It's like a comedy of errors. Will be glad to get out of here tonight and be on the night train to Sapa, although I'm sure that getting ripped off by moto drivers, cracking a tooth and accidently going to a 'rub and tug' place for a massage will one day seem hilarious.
My disdain for this place could be partly because I'm tired, partly because I'm sick of cities and partly because Hanoi is a shit hole.
I have barely slept - the 13hr night bus was a killer - and it is cold and miserable at the moment. I've spoken with 3 different girls here who back me up and all say that they hate Hanoi, but to be fair I spoke to 1 couple who like it. Lets face it though, I shouldn't be complaining too much since it's still better than being at home, working and
Jim
Indicating his feelings about hanoi... doing the same ol' same ol' each day, right?
OUR CRAPPY DAY IN HANOI
Well I'm just going to vent anyway. Ready... here it comes.
ARRIVING, BREAKFAST AND BAD TOILETS
It started when we arrived in Hanoi about 6:30am and a crazy moto ride through the cold jolted me from my sleepiness. We got to the office, where we could shower, leave our bags etc, arranged our night train to Sapa and were slightly harrassed by a member of the office staff to join some tours in there. It really was too early in the morning for that rubbish so we got out of it by making a runner for the door to go hunt some breakfast.
For this excursion we teamed with a dutch girl from the bus and consulted her Lonely Planet - or Useless Planet as Jim calls it - and it was pretty useless. We wandered around in the misty rain until we found a place that was opening, waited for the chairs to come out and ordered brekkie. I used their bathroom which wins The Rankest Toilet in the World Award (so far) even though the tiled,
Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum
Yep the doors were firmly shut. These guys must have the most boring job in the world. What would the answer be to "Hi honey, what did you do at work today?" female version of a 'trough' last night on the way here was a strong contender.
SIDE NOTE ON TOILETS
Although I have become resigned to the toilets sometimes being, shall we say, less than desirable it was still decidedly unpleasant and I won't even begin to try and describe the putrid smell. I had to go through the kitchen on my way and I averted my eyes - after seeing the state of the bathroom I didn't even want to know! Brekkie wasn't half bad though and I started to feel better. After a bit of internet we grabbed a shower - a lot of bus companies and affiliated guesthouses allow you to do this for free - but we stopped short of getting a room for a nap. We decided to get out and about and enjoy the day in Hanoi.
We should have napped. But we didn't. While we did a quick bit of research on the net we had read good things about Cha Ca Restuarant. Its on Cha Ca St, is called Cha Ca and serves only Cha Ca - which is a fish dish. They bring you out a pot of coals,
Mausoleum
Even from a distance I could tell something was wrong... a frying pan on it with grilled fish in it and a bunch of veges, herbs and peanuts on the side and a fish sauce to add to it and cook yourself. It sounded real good and if a restuarant can get by with only 1 dish you'd reckon it'd be excellent. The fact that it is in the Useless Planet perhaps should have served as a warning. I honestly don't know why I ever bother to consult it, except that sometimes any guidance - no matter how crap - can be better than none at all.
As you've probably gathered, we didn't really enjoy it. It's way overpriced at 70,000d each (around $US10 for 2 - ouch! Thats about 1/3 of our combined daily budget) and actually quite bland. The service was terse at best and, in fact, this description is being very generous. Oh, and there was a small rock in Jim's meal and he cracked a tooth chomping unknowingly on it. The fact it cost a small fortune (compared to most in Vietnam, that is) and received rave reviews was what made it worse. I think expectations are the worst thing to have as they can set you up for dissapointment a lot of the time. If it only cost a little and we'd never heard of it we might not have really enjoyed it but wouldn't have cared. Funny, isn't it?
MOTO MADNESS
After lunch we decided to get a moto to the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum to see his embalmed body. We told the moto guy where we wanted to go, he told us to take a moto each and Jim haggled against the ridiculous price he and his friend were asking, finally agreeing on the fare. I got on 1 bike and Jim on the other. They talked in Vietnamese between themselves (but I recognised the words "Ho Chi Minh" a lot) and then off we went.
In 5 minutes we were there and they dropped us across the way from the mausoleum. Jim handed over the smallest notes we had although it wasn't the correct change, the driver snatched it and tried to take off but Jim was quick, grabbing the handle on the back of the seat and picking up the back of the bike so that the back wheel spun and went nowhere. It was actually quite funny and I couldn't help laugh at that. Jim requested his change in a jovial way but they refused and gave us that rubbish " No change" response that we've come to know and love so well. They weren't giving us our change or the note back so we could break it.
Now, it's not that the amount was huge (it would buy 2 large bottles of water) but this type of scenario just gets a little old day in, day out, and by this stage I'm thinking: I'm really bloody sick of moto drivers.
We laughed a mirthless laugh in exasperation and gave up while they drove off full of self satisfaction. We crossed the road and headed to the mausoleum. If we thought we were a little peeved then, well just wait for it. The Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum was closed. Yep, CLOSED. Of course, every local knows that it shuts at 11am - I guess Ho Chi Minh likes an afternoon rest away from the public - and we would have known it as well and the Lonely Planet would actually have come in handy, had we looked a little closer at the very fine print there.
Suddenly the conversation our drivers had had as we were first setting off became clear. See, at the time it sounded like:
Driver 1: "Blah, blah, blah, blah. blah Ho Chi Minh, blah, blah."
Driver 2: "Blah, blah, Ho Chi Minh blah?"
D1: "Blah, blah, blah Ho Chi Minh, Blah, blah."
D2: "Blah, blah, blah. blah-"
D1: "Blah, blah, blah, blah Ho Chi Minh, Blah, blah, blah Ho Chi Minh."
D2: "Blah, blah, blah..."
D1: "Blah, blah, blah? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, Ho Chi Minh blah, blah, blah, blah!"
"Blah, blah, blah Ho Chi Minh blah, blah, blah?"
"Blah blah. Blah, blah, blah? Blah, blah, blah, blah."
"Blah, blah Ho Chi Minh blah, blah."
"Ho Chi Minh blah!"
Then they turned to us and said "Ok."
We thought they might be discussing the best route to take there. What they were really saying was probably more along the lines of:
"They say they want to go to Ho Chi Minh, lets go."
"But Ho Chi Minh is shut."
"Who cares if Ho Chi Minh is shut?"
"Well, maybe we should tell them-"
"Look, they said they want to go to Ho Chi Minh, lets take them to Ho Chi Minh."
"Yeah, guess we could..."
"Sure. Why not? They're stupid tourists. They want to go to Ho Chi Minh now and they probably don't even have the right change!"
"Won't they be mad if Ho Chi Minh is closed but we didn't tell them?"
"Yeah, probably. So what? We'll just ride off and we'll never see them again."
"You're right. Ho Chi Minh it is then."
"Ho Chi Minh it is!"
Then they turned to us and said "Ok."
MY MASSAGE...
Next, since we unexpectedly had more free time than we'd thought we'd have, I decided to go for a massage to try and iron out some kinks that formed after the long bus rides. We decided to go back to the office and ask where might be good. I was completely off moto drivers so we used our map to try and find our way. Unfortunately the map was inaccurate, and this coupled with the fact that the 'blocks' are chaotic with roads going off on all angles and that these streets change names every couple of 'blocks' (not an exaggeration) meant we got completely and fantastically lost.
While stopping to buy water - getting really lost is thirsty work - the old lady there noticed me stretching and rubbing my lower back. She enquired about it and I explained I had a sore back and was going to find a massage. She recommended a place just up the road and pointed us in the direction of it. I was very grateful, but not for long...
Either there were 2 places nearby and I went to the wrong one or she was totally having me on! Do NOT go to Friends Club, at least not if your a girl. I went for the hour massage and Jim decided on the sauna and steam bath. I was shown to the massage room by a guy and a minute or 2 later this vietnamese girl comes in, storms straight back out, has a screaming match with the guy, comes back in - seeming under protest - slams the door, rolls her eyes at me, then looks at me with a furious expression, grunts and motions abruptly with her hands for me to strip and lay on the bed.
She's wearing a satin mini skirt, satin singlet and suddenly I realise this is a rub and tug place and, feeling more than a little uncomfortable, want to leave. For some reason I don't leave and instead quickly comply. What follows is the worst massage of my life and I wish I'd never listened to that old lady in the first place (and I'm usually a great believer that any massage - even a bad one - is better than nothing). She alternated between pounding me in a hap hazard, violent manner and lethargicly flopping her hands about. She did the back then the front (me feeling a bit awkward) then looked at the clock and swung her arms absently, as if she didn't know what to do next. It had been 30 minutes of discomfort and annoyance for both of us. I guess this was about the time that the 'massage' usually ends and the 'happy ending begins'.
So now she grunts at me again, motions that its over and I get up, completely relieved. She sits and glares at me while I dress, occassionally sighing impatiently and continuing her general demeanor that tells me that my very presence is a huge pain in the ass for her. I'm guessing that the argument with her boss had been over the fact that I was a female, she couldn't give a happy ending and get a tip and probably she added "come on, we both know I can't do real massage!" To which her boss had most likely replied that the white woman is paying and thats all that matters.
Unbeknownst to me, while this is going on Jim has not been having the lovely, relaxing time I'm imagining. Later, when I find this out it gives me great comfort and I must admit is the only thing that makes me feel slightly better. When I go to the foyer he's actually already left but I'm told he's coming back. I find out later that he got the feeling it was a gay sauna, walked in, saw the "No Ladies" sign, saw a steaming room full of sweating, naked, middle aged asian guys, freaked out, went pale and screamed like a terrified Homer Simpson,fast tracking it straight out of there.
Anyhow, I take a seat in the foyer and the guy tells me I owe 60,000d, being the price for an hour massage. I tell him I don't have any cash on me (true at that time) and that I'll have to wait for Jim to get back, adding that I didn't get an hour, only 30minutes, so I wouldn't be paying the full amount. He told me I could go back in but I declined saying that it wasn't good at all and she was extremely rude. I sit down to wait for Jim and my uncomfortable feelings give way to anger. I begin to silently fume. Jim arrives, I briefly update him and then I offer the guy behind the counter 30,000d (which was more than fair in my opinion). He starts demanding 60,000, I refuse, he demands 60,000 again and again until my reasonable frame of mind completely disintergrates, my days frustration overflows and I lose it on him, shake with rage, yell at him like I've never yelled at anyone before, slam the 30,000 down and slam the door on my way out. I never make a scene usually and that is the first - and hopefully the last - time I freak out on the trip. After I got out of there I felt much, much more tense than before I went in. Finally we find the office where our bags are being stored, shower again, grab dinner which was tasty and the ONLY good thing to happen all day, next to the fact the we're heading for the hills.
So, that brings us up to date. If you're still with me, thanks for being there til the end of this horrible whinging session. You might have hated this entry but, hey, I sure feel better! It's the only truly rotten day I've had since landing in Asia so I've had a pretty good run and feel as grateful to be here as anyone could. I am still equally grateful to be getting out of Hanoi in an hour, so I'm gonna go. Til next time, good night all.
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Claire
non-member comment
poor bums
Sorry to hear that guys! I had a similar experience in Pakistan with the massage. The German Consul Secretary had a Thai fiance who gave Henning and I massages which were simply painful and didn't help at all. Last year they found out that she was prostituting herself and she got sent back to Thailand. I just got back from Mexico, man, I could go back to the beach! Six weeks more and I'll be back there.