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Published: November 7th 2009
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Once upon a time, in a magical fairy land far, far away, there existed a witch doctor. This doctor could cure all ills, and was very knowledgeable. He discovered the existence of many magical herbs that helped to cure many people. One of these so called herbs was called "Ma Huang." (In America, it's called, "Ephedra") It was a very magically delicious formula, known to the locals as it cured asthma, flu, the common cold, wheezing, and edema. You see, it was understood that if you had the beginnings of a cold, it would run into your body quickly and kick out the cold. "Get out!" it would say, and the cold would listen. If you already were in the midst of a cold, it would go deeper into your body and make you sweat a mighty thunder until the pathogen was gone. Everyone knew NEVER EVER to take it for more than 3 days because longer would make it toxic in your body. Two days was best, really. You take it, then wrap yourself in a blanket and sweat out the pathogen. Then you promptly stop taking it.
Five or six thousand years later, it made it's way over
Chickens come with the chicken head
I forgot to take a picture of the yolk inside!
But there was a full one!
I tried to make chicken soup to feel better. no dice. to a big village called, "America" where smart people gone mad called, "scientists" discovered that it made you sweat, hence, you would lose water weight. They made it a weight loss formula. People ignored the warnings of the Chinese herbalists and took the new pill for weeks or months to help them lose weight. Athletes started using it as a performance enhancer, and idiots used it as a recreational stimulant or "energy booster." When people started to die of the symptoms then the government decided that it should be banned from the big village and sent it away forever.
Then one day, I, our beloved character in this story, traveled to China. I got sick!!!
I fell asleep at a friend's house where many people were smoking cigarettes. As history dictates, I got a cold from that. Unfortunately, it got worse and worse. I had taken herbs and gotten acupuncture, but it didn't help.
One of my friends - Maiyan - called to see how I was, and I said I was pretty weak. She offered to come over and cook for me, but I said I had no appetite. That is when we knew I was REALLY sick!
So she came over and cooked a little chicken soup. The chicken came full with the head (pictured to the left) and there was an EGG in the middle!! The chicken was ovulating!
Maiyan said that we should go to her doctor, a village doctor that she knows and trusts, and that he would sort me out. I was getting worse by the minute, and when we got there, the doc took my temperature (I had one), and felt my throat, looked at my tonsils, and did all the other intake things. He wondered if I wanted an IV of fluids? Maiyan said that I would like it, it would make me feel better, so I acquiesced.
The doctor ordered a new herbal formula (scoffing at my old one that I showed him) and gave me a proper formula which included Chai, Hu, Jing Jie, Ge Gen, and what? MA HUANG! I cheered inwardly (I had no energy externally) when I heard that. The pharmacy made it for me, and I layed down in a bed where they started giving me 500 mL of Sodium Chloride and Glucose.
I had started getting the chills, and was really
cranky from the feeling of being uncomfortable in my body. I walked slowly, and hunched over like an old lady. Everything was sore and hurt, and the chills were getting worse and worse. I had blankets covering me, and still, my teeth chattered, and I had goose-bumps all over me. I asked for a heat lamp on me, but that wasn't enough, and soon I had two. I shed a few tears from the pain and awfulness of it all. The doctor kept checking on me, and in his limited English he said, "Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry!" So many times that Maiyan finally asked me, "Are you worried?" I said No, I wasn't. I mean, I felt like shit, but I wasn't worried. He was worried, I guess, because he kept coming back and repeating not to be.
Soon the formula with ma huang came my way. I grabbed the bottle and chugged down 250 mL of Chinese herbs. Let me explain how this Ma Huang felt. Remember, that I am now in pain and achy and COLD. So here is my account of Ma Huang, which in the future can be referred to as "Ma Hero."
Where are my herbs?
IV is good, but I wanted Ma Huang! Remember Superman with his red cape and blue tights? It was like Superman came flying through the war zone that was now my body, and flew at the speed of light straight to the core of my body. Wrapped it in heat until it infused me with brilliant warmth. It radiated heat out of every pore of my body until at last, I stopped shivering and nodded off to sleep. It was like Ma Huang wanted to cuddle, and who was I to say no? and so I fell asleep, with Ma Huang wrapped around me. I woke up (with the two heat lamps and blankets still on me) and Maiyan was still beside me, and most of the pain had stopped. I was sweating a bit from the Ma Huang. I knew I was on the mend when I whispered, "Maiyan... I'm hungry." I felt like 10:30 at night was too late to eat so I said no to her offers to go get me food. The doctor rubbed my temples and the back of my head (GB20). When it was 11pm, and the IVs were complete, the doctor drove Maiyan and me home.
Maiyan had the same
Don't let the pictures fool you.
I felt great. Just great. (sarcasm) sickness a few days before, and Omer got sick after me (but he had acute bronchitis). Was that Swine Flu? Truthfully, I was given the remedy for it, and it worked. But I didn't take the test to know for sure that I did really have that particular virus. The next day I was fine. I went to school, ate lunch, cooked dinner, etc. I was so happy to have my appetite back!
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Mat
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I love China
China is awesome. They'll give you swine flu and get rid of it in the same day. Damn, they're quick!