A rough guide to South America and the funniest moments of the trip

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The Rules of South America/Points of Interest

Road Rules

- If a road isn't dirt/mud/gravel and doesn't have at least a 200m sheer drop it isn't a proper road.
- Always overtake on blind corners.
- Always implement a departure/entry tax on any location possible.
- Nothing ever runs on time - there is always some delay/someone to pick up/something to drop off/an unexpected river crossing.
- Red lights mean go. Do not use seatbelts.
- Always walk down the middle of the road, why bother with the footpath?
- A bus is never full, you can always squeeze another person on...or 19.

Other Rules

- Nothing other than sweet white bread may be consumed for breakfast.
- You only have proper teeth if they are gold-capped or non-existent.
- All Bolivians must be as wide as they are tall.
- Never put rubbish in the bin. Always through it on the ground or out the car window.
- You must play the same outdated English songs on repeat at all times. ie. Lady in Red, Like a Rolling Stone, I Want to Know What Love Is, Land Down Under, Our House (in the middle of the street...).
- At all times all people must be protesting or celebrating something - and you must use fireworks.
- One must always carry ones own toilet paper. And never flush it down the toilet. And pay to go to the toilet.
- There is absolutely no change in Argentina, sometimes shops won't even sell you something if you don't have the correct money. Rumour has it that the currency is controlled by the mafia...
- For Gringoes (white people/tourists): if you can't speak Spanish yell loudly at people in English and hope they eventually understand, or walk everywhere to avoid catching public transport.



Funniest Moments of the Trip

- Probably hard to go past Renee's sandboarding moment.
- My initial attempts at Spanish. Apparently it's funny when I get nervous trying to speak it. I said 'de nada' (you're welcome) to somebody one day and did some sort of nervous head wobble, so, henceforth, every time someone says de nada or you're welcome, everyone has to wobble there head. And make fun of me everytime someone mentions ice cream. I got a bit flustered when the ice cream man told me to select three flavours, instead of my usual two (always chocolate and lemon). Instead, I went with 'chocolate, lemon....and....chocolate!'
- The various names we've all picked up throughout the trip, thanks to everyone's inability to pronounce or spell our names. Susie's (Susan Bell) has had Susan Cblt; Renee's had Henee and Cookie; Evans' best was Femily; and my two favourites were Grigio and (something which sounded suspiciously like) Bitch-head.
- Andrew coming home one morning, slightly worse for wear...trying to climb up to the top bunk to go to bed and declaring he couldn't even be bothered taking his shoes off. Evans offered to help him, to which he replied, 'I can do it, Femily,' and threw his shoes at her.
- Susie attempting to slap someone on the bum and missing completely, putting her hand through a glass window pane...fortunately the window came off second best!
- A 'friend' at the hostel in La Paz wetting his bed after a night out then announcing to the whole hostel that, 'I've fooking pissed meself!'
- 'Tampons! Buenos Tardes!' Buying tampons in a chemist in La Paz, Renee pointed out to Susie which ones they were and the overeager shop assistant rushed over yelling, 'tampons!' before realising that probably wasn't an appropriate greeting and quickly adding 'Beunos Tardes' (good afternoon).
- Evans' brawl in Uyuni. We tried to check into a hostel after making a reservation on the internet. The woman attempted to charge us far more than we were quoted and wouldn't subtract our deposit, so we told her we'd go elsewhere, to which she replied that we had to stay or she'd call the police. We tried to leave but she locked the door and then started pushing Evans back into the hostel. When Evans pushed her back the woman grabbed her around the throat (no mean feat given she was about half the size of Evans). This continued for a while, but fortunately ended up in the woman backing down after we'd tried to calm her, only after she'd thrown Evans' belongings all over the floor.
- Getting harrassed on various occasions by people selling things/trying to offer assistance. Trying to get off a bus one day we were blocked by a group of people yelling, 'Gringoes! Gringoes!' And then they all pounced on us and we couldn't get off the bus.
- An impromptu group sing-a-long to 'Hey True Blue' in our hostel in Salta. Got some interesting reactions.
- Evans trying to warm herself up with a candle in Salta and, instead, setting her hair on fire.
- Evans picking up a 20 year old...I won't disclose her age, except to say there's more than a decade between them and it certainly breaks the 'half you age + 7 rule!'
- Brigid being offered a 3-some on a night out in Salta...I won't repeat the pick-up line, I'm still blushing just thinking about it.
- Renee's gentleman friend of one night in Rio - name unknown - henceforth known as Mr. Straw Hat.
- Rod's fine work on the d-floors of Rio: quickest feet in the west! And many other dance moments...especially some fine pelvic thrusting (you'd be proud, Pownell, we've got it on video - reminiscent of you at your finest).
- Susie's fantastic fake English accent which comes out at all sorts of random times.


Various robbery tactics we avoided in South America

- People spit on you and then while you're either wiping the spit off or getting very upset at that person, someone else robs you.
- Someone throws a baby at you and while you catch it they rob you.
- (Not sure if this one's true or not, but I hope it is!!) A dwarf is smuggled into a bus and steals everyone's valuables when they put their bags up on the shelves above the seats.

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Comments

[susie]

nice wind up
yo madame.. nice wrap up to the trip!!