How the Nigerians stole the gold: the West African University Games

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In its third year of existence, the University of Ghana swim team is far from serious. But considering the extremely low percentage of Ghanaians who even know how to swim, our group of 15 aspiring swimmers is pretty impressive.

In preparation for the West African University Games, we practiced twice a day, commuting to international school pools in the back of Joel’s chipped red pick-up, and eating together afterwards in the Sarbah Dining Hall, which provides free meals for athletes. Our coach, Mobutu, liked to wear European-looking speedos on the deck and fortunately only showed up to morning practice (in the evenings we coached ourselves). His biggest, and most inappropriate, words of advice were for us all to have sex the night before the competition, because that would “make the women more aggressive and the men more smooth” (what?!)

Needless to say, aside from the matching blue and yellow track suits and U of G baseball caps that the athletic office gave us, we were not exactly prepared for the races to come. Or we might have been had not the Nigerian schools paid national Olympic team swimmers to compete on their behalf. Before the buses from Lagos arrived, I had expected we would take all the gold medals. Then I saw the bulging-veined G.I. Joe-looking Nigerians sauntering in with their professional body length racing suits and chemically-enhanced muscles. We were screwed!

The competition lasted four days, with eight events per day. No visitors were allowed in so the whole thing seemed pretty fast and low-key, except they did use a gun to start the races. I was really impressed at the formal organization of it all-- there was even a Clerk of the Course!

Everything happened fast. We arrived at the high school that was hosting us, changed into our crisp black Speedos and jumped in the pool for a 10-minute warm-up. I was still breathing hard as the officials lined us up on plastic chairs and took our names. 100 meter backstroke was never my favorite event at home, but I soon discovered it was the Nigerians’ weak point. Unknowingly, I was milliseconds away from the gold, touching in as a close third. That was good enough for me—these women were beasts!—and apparently for everyone else, too, because the crowds of swimmers and coaches showered me with applause, handshakes, and smiles. Some of the national G.I. Joe-looking guys pulled me over to pose with them for pictures. It was weird to be in the spotlight for swimming, since I am such a little fish at home.

Back at the Sports Directorate parking lot, we had a team photo shoot in the back of Joel’s pick-up. The way they were all into the sexy poses reminded me of American friends, and I realized how long it has been since I’ve made distinctions between Ghana and home.

The best part of the day was coming up the stairs in my blue track suit, my ID badge still swinging around my neck, and being greeted by a hall full of Ghanaian girls jumping, screaming, hugging, and kissing me with the news of my success.

“We will eat Eto!” Janet shouted, which is a special birthday celebration dish of mashed yams topped with boiled eggs and fried plantains. “Tomorrow you will bring home the gold!” And the way I was feeling, I believed it.

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Photos

Team Love
Posin in Joel's pick-up, our very official team transportation

Pure Wata!
Me & Austin chillax after our great success!

Comments

[junia]

congratulations
hahahah tay - you made me laugh out loud.. now if you'd had sex.. maybe you could've gotten the gold. just keeedingg

[austin]

tay u should have adhered to mobutu's recommendation sex b4 swimming probably the gold would have been yours.....................hahahahahaha