India: Learning to Live with a Big Hole in My Heart

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During Pushkar visits in the past, we have lost uncles, grandparents and dear friends. We have floated candles in the sacred Pushkar Lake, we have set free flowers and photos onto the special water and we have purchased sacred fodder at the lake to feed the hungry cattle that roam the streets and alleys. All of these moments and actions were our way of healing our hearts and telling the world these were important people. All those rituals seemed fitting. All those rituals seemed to match the moment. But now, I am faced with loss that seems so big I can’t even begin to memorialize it, not even in such a holy place and not even with time to contemplate the occasion.



Damn I wish I didn’t have anything to say on the topic of grief for this trip. I wish there had not been so much loss and I sure as hell wish I were not having to determine a way to pay my respects.



A few months ago I lost my Granny. She was that woman, after my mother, who helped raise me, nurtured me, taught me, encouraged me, role modeled for me and was a force in my entire life. She not only gave me confidence and love, she gave me those things that bonded us through biology...my genes. I see little bits in me that are totally Granny. I will never be the strong, compassionate, no nonsense woman she role modeled for me, but I do continue to try to do right by her and what she gave me.



So, here I sit in Pushkar thinking I need to have my own little memorial moment for Granny and the pressure is palatable. How do I leave a spiritual mark that says Granny was here, Granny was loved and Granny continues to influence us all? Asking a lot of a vacation to India, huh?



I thought of Granny’s qualities, those things that brought everyone to Shamrock Farms and those things that made us all wince in pain at the thought of living on without her. Granny brought us comfort, she nurtured us, she fed us, she was compassionate to everyone. She was intuitive and gave us sage advice sometimes with only a look or a nod. She relaxed us when we were anxious. She was sturdy when life had storms. She survived when the rest of us wanted to quit. Granny gave even when there was certainly not an abundance of resources. She was optimistic and full of gratitude when we were riddled with skepticism. Granny was in it for the long haul and made us all feel safe along the journey.



Granny’s demeanor and my affection for her reminds me of why I love camels. I know it sounds like a stretch and I know it seems like I work hard to bring it all back to camels, but stay with me on this one. If you have ever just existed with a camel and within minutes, or even seconds, noticed your blood pressure decrease, you know what it was like to be with my Granny.



Being in Pushkar, I am constantly reminded of the struggles all pastoralists face and my heart is heavy to think of how the camel population in India is quickly decreasing. The beings that provide resources, comfort and exemplify history are in danger of no longer being around. There is nothing we could do to keep Granny with us any longer than her almost 94 years on Earth, but there is something we can do to help the camels of Rajasthan survive, continue to exist and even prosper alongside their caregivers, the Raika.



I decided to memorialize Granny by buying a young female camel that could return from Pushkar to her village and live her life out as a future mother, milk provider and herd member. I have high hopes for this beautiful, spunky baby as I expect her to live on in honor of a very important lady from Kansas.



Say hello to Baby June. In my time with her I felt amused, safe, calm and hopeful, exactly what Granny deserves.

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Comments

[Lou Ann Thomas]

Beautiful and fitting tribute
Valerie, This is such a beautiful tribute to your Granny! I know she must be beaming and so very proud of you, as she always was. I love that Baby June will be able to live her life free and hopefully in good grace. Well done, Granny's Granddaughter!!!