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Published: February 21st 2012
Maria on the Four Wheeler
Before I punchisized the fence.
Sometime around my freshman year of high school I was riding a four wheeler in the Scammalhorn Twin’s backyard and I saw a fence where there had never been a fence. I tried to turn the four wheeler but it just caught the tip of the handlebar and flipped me - hard enough that I rolled onto my wheels again. This was the last time I was on a four wheeler… until I rode one again last weekend. I was trucking along when I noticed, waaaaaaaaaaaay too late to stop myself, that I was about to smash into a thin (turns out electric) fence. Having learned my lesson that if you try and avoid fences they flip you over, I went ahead and marked “punch through electric fence at 40 miles an hour” off my bucket list. It was just as BA as it sounds. A bit of wire got caught up in the wheel but I got it out, right after discovering that it had current running through it. If my children have mutant powers I imagine it’ll be because of this and the electro-techno shower from the blue house.
I’ve always wanted to be more into camping. I
Maria, La Reina of Carnaval
She was chosen mostly on her ability to dance the Bernie.
have a grudge against it because of all the camping trips of my youth which mostly consisted of me sleeping in a cramped camper with my equally irritated siblings and getting yelled at for using too much milk in my cereal. True campers only wet the bottom pieces of cereal I discovered. Anyways, I’ve always pretended to be the outdoor type, going so far as growing a beard on occasion and taking lumber splitting courses. BLOOP! I’m off it. Why would anyone want to sleep in a tent on the lumpy bug filled ground when they could be sleeping in a bed? Tents are as hot as that lawn set we gave Al’s parents, bugs are everywhere, other campers are obnoxiously drunk and loud, you have to carry your tent/sleeping bags, the bathrooms are disgusting and it’s not even that cheap anymore. I came home with about 200 bug bites, 25 ticks and a strong desire to stop pretending to be something I’m not. Carly, Colin, when (if) you come don’t bring a tent, I’ll give you mine for free. Does this make me less of a man? Maybe, but if being itchy as hell, uncomfortable, hot and dirty is
Before our guide got thrown and Maria got kicked in the foot by another horse.
manly, show me to the feminine hygiene aisle.
Carnaval is here, and living close to but not IN Barranquilla I’ve never really understood about pre-Carnaval. It is basically a month of events that lead up to the real Carnaval weekend. We have parades through the street, comparsa contests
(where transvestites put baby dolls on my lap and their arm around me and don’t leave for like 20 minutes – another bucket list check off: “Become a tranny magnet”), events at school, coronations, etc. This year the kid’s queen of Carnaval was a student in Maria’s class so we attended more than I’m guessing we normally would. Anyways, because we had done so many pre-events, and because we don’t really have any friends to go with, we opted out of Carnaval this year. Next year Dr. Michael Naismith Karlin and Co. will be here with us so we may stay.
We celebrated Maria’s birthday in high style although we aren’t quite finished celebrating yet, we still have a weekend getaway at the Decamaron Baru
planned early next month. We went to a friend’s finca/farm for the weekend which is where we were blasting through fences and riding horses between playing with
He's asleep here, but he's deadly when he's awake.
a chicken killing baby Rottweiler, eating steak, playing Catan and swimming in the pool. It was easily one of the better weekends here. Our guide while horseback riding got thrown from his horse. I had to chase down the horse, grab the reins and return it to him as he dusted himself off. I felt like the Lone Ranger or someone cooler who rides horses who I can’t think of right now.
Kittens love wonton soup. Kittens can’t digest wonton soup. Kitten puke is disgusting.
The trip home to the Midwest was great. I normally don’t really enjoy going home because I’m sans car and staying on couches. I still didn’t have a car but my sister graciously drove us around and my accommodations got an enormous upgrade staying with Jeni; Giant TV’s, a precocious niece, a very welcoming dreamy bf, and two pit bulls that changed my outlook on pit bulls forever. We were very comfortable and were reminded why everyone in the US is so fat as we slept long hours and ate gluttonously. Maria got a little sick and was stunned that people in the US have to pay for healthcare. Silly Canadian, free healthcare’s
Doug beating/licking MoMo's ass
Ah, love between brothers; the younger one getting a beat down.
for dummies. You have to show ID now to buy Sudafed. Thanks meth heads. They had no idea how to process my passport, it took forever. I saw a lot of family this trip, but consequently missed a lot of friends, apologies. Kansas City is much too spread out and the people I know should all move into a cul-du-sac for my convenience.
One hilarious expression I heard recently, no idea how widely used this is: “see the devil in his balls” meaning “get really scared/shocked.” When we surprised the old man, he looked like he saw the devil in his balls. Please use this phrase correctly and extensively in your personal lives. You’re welcome.
A pet peeve I have is when people say “stay true to who you are” not because it’s bad advice, just because it’s usually espoused by people who are dickish a-holes. Song
: I don’t want love – The Antlers Movie:
I really liked the Dragon Tattoo movie, especially b/c I saw it with Bob who has a long history of being loud in movie theaters and now he’s the guy asking people to be quiet. Attack the Block and Another Earth were both awesome, Melancholia
When you pick up a baby kitten by the scruff of their neck they will often teardrop or pull in their feet and tuck their tail so they may be carried easier by the mom.
made sadder than an MU fan next Saturday.
I’m teaching God Loves, Man Kills which is awesome. Internet Awesomeness:
Mostly for Matt
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. ~ Stephen Colbert
It's better to keep grief inside. Grief inside works like bees or ants, building curious and perfect structures, complicating you. Grief outside means you want something from someone, and chances are good you won't get it. ~ Hilary Thayer Hamann
If you vote against Obama because he can’t get stuff done, it’s kinda like saying “this guy can’t cure cancer, I’m gonna vote for cancer.” ~ Alex Baze
Baby Ave's is making a cameo appearance in the final picture. She loves St. Paddy's more than she loves pugs.
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