Nun 1 Jeremy a big 0

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There I was patiently waiting to talk with the Director of Escuela Valladares (Valladares Elementary School). My goal was to discuss the environmental education guide that I am developing for all the teachers and to ask her permission to give the teachers some surveys about what material I should include in the guides.

There was no reason for me to be nervous, none at all. I’ve dealt with many a principal and never really had any problems before. This aside, I noticed that my heart was racing, I was sweating, and I was fidgeting as I waited outside her office. Why damn it? Why? Oh yeah, it all came to me. The Director is a nun. Not your sweet quiet type either. I am talking about the type that instils a sense of fear just by looking at you. I crossed her path a few months ago during the Festival of Water that I helped coordinate. Her school didn’t win and she was one of the ones who complained about the lack of coordination and the lack of food for the students - she was about as pissed at me as a nun can get. Nuns can breathe fire you know? From that moment on, she’s been cold, but professional around me. I have slowly tried to bring out the old King charm on her, but the King charm isn’t worth much in Ecuador and has little effect on a nun. Ever try to charm a nun? I mean come on, they have God on their side and see right through you. It’s as if God is whispering in their ear ¨this one’s ok¨ or ¨uh oh, he’s full of shit.¨

I never went to a catholic school growing up, but I now believe every nun story that friends have told me. I am convinced that they possess superhuman powers. The nun in Blues Brothers is spot on.

Anyhow, I rehearsed in my head numerous times what I wanted to say and how I should say it. I figured that if I was concise, to the point, and determined, that my three pronged attack would work. Finally she motioned me to come into her room - oh she waited though, waited for confident ole me to liquefy before her gaze. She gave me just enough time outside her office to ponder whether I should even be there - whether I was even worthy to speak. So, I shuffled into her office, with my head down like a 10 year-old school boy just caught sneaking into the girl’s restroom. She had me right where she wanted me. The Maginot Line I had been fortifying in my head was useless against her.

I stumbled through my presentation, she casually smiled and nodded - even murmured an ¨interesante.¨ I could tell though, that she wanted to correct every grammar mistake I was making, every gringo twang I made. Finally, she agreed to give the surveys and I agreed to return in two days to pick them up. What was I thinking? I agreed to torture myself again? She tricked me, as only a nun could. I was going to return to sit outside her office and repeat the whole process again in just two days. She had me man - I didn’t even see it coming. That’s why nuns are so tough - it is a disciplined attack - look you in the eyes with nods of understanding - making you feel more relaxed - then they systematically pick apart your soul.

I walked out of there feeling remorse for stuff I did when I was 5 - how did she do that? We didn’t even talk about me. That night, I did the only thing I could think of to regain my soul, to pull it back from the grips of the nun; I drank a nice cold beer, spouted a few obscenities at the OSU Buckeyes, and went to bed.

Wish me luck in two days.

Oh, and if you were wondering - the volcano near us is no threat as of now. Apparently it made international news a few days ago. It did have a minor eruption, but it does that all the time.

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Comments

[chris]

nun proof
jeremy, wear the Communism T-shirt I got ya. Religion has no place in Communist countries, only the good of the fatherland! This will cancel out her nun powers, thus leveling the field. If not the ole penis through the zipper trick is a good fallback plan, just dodge the ruler, and you're all set.