New lonley planet additions - Santa Marta, Colombia

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ORIENTATION
The city is laid out in a simple grid system and streets can be identified by the intensity of the smell of urine. Unique cracks in the pavement filled with rotting food or human faeces provide a more detailed indicator of your location. If you need to get to the market, follow the trail of rubbish along the ground and as the smell of septicemia itensifies you know you are getting close.

PEOPLE AND CULTURE
Santa Marta prides itself on posessing more prostitutes per capita than the rest of South America. The silicon assisted beauties ply their trade over bannisters and bars. Stiletto heels click on the pavement and breasts announce their arrival long before the rest of their body.

Pouting ladyboys in tight midriffs and denim skirts blow kisses from the curb. Their muscular shoulders, shapely legs and flat stomachs are all too alluring for many a backpacker to resist.

ACCOMMODATION
One of the most popular backpacker destinations is a quaint hotel that features a strong emphasis on drug use and illegal activities. The roof is decorated in its original facade and if you are lucky, during the night pieces of the ceiling will crumble and fall into your mouth while you are asleep. Beds are made in the minimalist fashion with an ill-fitting bottom sheet over a sweat stained mattress. No top sheet or blankets are provided as guests are lovingly enveloped in the stifling tropical heat. Mosquitos and other biting insects come free of charge with the room. Should you need to wash, a dirty brown copper pipe is conveniently located over the toilet in your room and can be stood under for cool refreshing showers.

FOOD
Salmonella pizza and ecoli kebabs are the local speciality. Chefs can be seen preparing their pizzas by gutting fish on the street. Rat nibbled empanadas are a lovely alternative to the seafood menu and can be bought from many roadside vendors.

SIGHTS
The particularly stunning esplanade features a fabulous rubbish strewn beach, highlighted by overweight people in small bikinis. The tepid bath temperature water is a reassuring brown colour and the industrial plant at the northern end of the beach provides a pleasant addition to the seascape.

ACTIVITIES
Nearby Taganga beach offers a popular getaway for travellers looking for an idyllic escape. Menus in hebrew and hordes of Israelis lend a distinctly middle eastern flavour and its fun to be pushed around and treated like the lowest donkey in Bethlahem. For the musically minded, latin pop mucic blares from beach bars with an intensity that ensures sign language is the only form of communication. Great for those who are wasted from too much Jungle Green or Colombian Snow. (Readily available from the guy with the t-shirt advertising as such).

GETTING THERE AND AWAY
The cosy collectivos are the best way to get around. Hop aboard the souped up minivan and get up close and personal with 30 locals. There is always room for one more and nothing more enjoyable than spending a 5 hour journey straddling a box full of chickens with your face pressed into the sweaty armpit of an unwashed market goer.

Be sure to have your money ready for the driver who will demand payment at least 3 times and call you a liar for not paying in the first place and forcing you to pay agian. And again.

HIGHLIGHT
Drinking overpriced rum from a bottle in a bar that is raided by the military at 2am.

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Photos

Sunset at Santa Marta
The only time it looks good is when the sun is blinding you

Fancy a fish milkshake?
Gutted fish on offer for breakfast...Santa Marta

Comments

[Shella]

News
Hey Babe, Was just talking to Kymmie her and Peter are getting married on 29 February 2008. Woooohoooooooooo